1st Degree Murder And Sleeping With Dane Cook

by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on December 17, 2011

in All About Me,Married Life

There’s a good chance I could have been in jail right now.

I typically go to bed after 11:30pm, most times by 12. My brain shuts down around 10:30, so any choice I make after 10:30 should count as temporary insanity.

That time between 10:30 and whenever I fall asleep is when my worst choices are made: brownie eating, impulse buying, mouthing off to people on Twitter, skipping showers.

I’d like for this post to be used in my defense if I’m ever on the stand.

Last night was no different from any typical evening at MessyHouse. Patrick went to bed at 10, and I was up late “working” and watching Ice Road Truckers: Deadliest Roads. Even though I object to the shows featuring the IRT on non-ice roads, it’s still fun to see how many times the truck wheels can hang over a 1000-foot drop in South America to sure death if that pebble gives way.

By the time I made it to bed and watched a few minutes of Letterman, Patrick was fast asleep into his Ambien stupor. As per normal, he was snoring, but not loudly. The point when I start closing my eyes “just for the commercials” is when I turn off the TV, roll to my right, and gently nudge Patrick over to his side of our bed.

First, gently.

No response.

Next, forcefully nudging with a “roll over” whisper.

No response.

Then, jabbing in the ribs with a stern, “turn over.”

Slight response.

I think, maybe I can fall asleep, even with his pattern of throaty, nasal gargles.

Willing myself to sleep.

Really willing myself to sleep.

I roll over onto my left, how I normally pass into Dreamland, and in adjusting the cover, a waft of stale fart creeps into my face. I am displeased.

Louder snoring.

I roll back over, shove Patrick in the shoulder, raising my voice to say, “ROLL OVER ONTO YOUR PILLOW.”


Reaching up to to his unshaven face, I aim to turn his head to his right, hopefully stopping the rhythmic nasal chorus.

In that moment, I realize I can plug his nose and cover his mouth with one hand. In that second, it occurs to me that I could stop the snoring and fall asleep, all with one decision. It’s either smother him in his sleep or hope that creepy House Elf, Wilson, sits on his face and drops a deuce in his mouth.

Either option seems fine to me in that moment, because mama needs to get to her beauty sleep.

Luckily for Sane, Awake Me, I decided against 1st degree murder, physically rolled Patrick over onto his stomach, got out of bed, popped my Klonopin magic sleepy pills, and fell into a deep sleep of Dreamland where Dane Cook awaited my arrival into his bed.

And that’s how I discovered I have a “thing” for Dane Cook.

I’m blaming Patrick and the Klonopin.

image credit Dane Cook

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Amy December 18, 2011 at 8:35 am

Dane Cook? Time to figure out where your tiny bet of self-loathing is hiding in your psyche… 🙂
An Awesome post on Amy´s blog … 40 Year-Old Me Meets 20 Year-Old Me


2 Allison Zapata December 18, 2011 at 11:00 am

SO effing good. HAAAAA!
An Awesome post on Allison Zapata´s blog … Elf On The…Crapper?


3 cwa427@gmail.com December 19, 2011 at 11:31 am

I have a crazy hard time falling asleep at night, the anxiety keeps the ol wheels spinning on and on and on in my head. I started popping 2 benedryl at about 6:30 and by 9:00 Im blissfully asleep. The benedryl stops the gears just as well as a xanax does and I don’t have the worry about the rx, and one less thing to worry about is always appreciated.


4 Ally December 20, 2011 at 12:23 am

Glad you decided against the murder, but I’m thinking it was a tough decision with the snoring going on, and my personal favorite – not being on his side of the bed! 🙂
An Awesome post on Ally´s blog … Monday Listicles – Inside The Actor’s Studio Edition


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