I’m an ass,

I wrote a post last week about the suckiness of Orlando, but I’ve had a change of heart in just a week.

Why?

Cause Mama got a FREE mini vaca!!!! WOOT WOOT!

Seems the MiL got a new timeshare at one of the ritziest places in all of the universes Orlando, and we got to come along for the ride. Saweeet!

We were planning on only visiting during the day. Then we decided at the last minute to stay one night.

Then Mama walked in the place.

And Mama decided to stay the WHOLE DAMN WEEKEND.

Holy SHIZ! Talk about resort living in luxury!

MiL got a two-bedroom suite w/ 2 balconies, full kitchen (totally went to waste, much like my own kitchen), two full fancy pants bathrooms, two king-size beds, and one whirlpool tub big enough to fit the five of us. And two of us ain’t what you’d consider “small persons.”

You can start your jealousy now. Cause I’m jealous of myself, and I was there.

Now I’m trying to figure out how to scam each of the timeshares around Orlando into letting us stay a night or two. If anyone has pointers on how to:

a) get access to the many resort pools in Orlando
OR
2) get a free night or two in any of the many resorts in Orlando

please contact me ASAP. I’m running short on nice weather around here. It’s about to turn hellish - as in, 95 degree heat with 99% humidity.

GINORMOUS (will someone tell spell-check this is a word) Bath Tub
GIRLS GONE WILD!

Swinging in the Pool

Girls in the Pool - If you’d like to start donating to this kid’s future orthodontic care, I’ll kiss you. On the lips.

Monkey See…

Water Baby

This pic is SOOC (”untouched by Photoshop” for those not INK (”in the know” for those OOTL (”out of the loop” for those not in my head))) For serious - BEAUTIFUL day.

Commence jealousy, sucka.

Trouble is Born

This is my first Flashback Friday, so I don’t know what to link to or what meme to credit, so if you know, lemme know. I do know Mamma Loves… is a participant. That’s about it. I suck. Maybe it’s not even a real meme. If not, I’ll take this post out of the “meme” category. Can I do that? Guess I’ll find out.

I sure am writing a lot of crap to get to the Flashback. I decided to use the Laminated List post for two three reasons:
a) Hello? Hot men.
b) Jim Halpert - I just finished watching The Office, and if the mucky mucks at NBC decide to break up Jam/Pim, I will seriously boycott. BOY. FUCKING. COTT. Jam/Pim make me happy. I live vicariously through their witty romantic flirty banter. The writers are SO good on that show that they don’t overwhelm their loyal readers with blahblahblah about sissy girlie crap and their relationship.
3) I had a lot of Bloggies posting their own Laminated Lists, so if you’re reading this, DO ONE. I don’t believe in tagging, just threat of shame.

I digress - The Laminated List post:

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In case you live in the dark didn’t watch Friends, a Laminated List is the top 5 people that, if they showed up on your doorstep, you could *ahem* GET WITH and your spouse/spousal equivalent would have to step out of the way. Because this is MY list and MY blog, I’m expanding my Laminated List to 10.

Do you think any of them have a thing for overweight, married moms? If so, I’m ready and waiting. Give me a call.

Agree? Disagree? Who’s on your list? Let me know. Just don’t take one of mine away. My list is laminated, though I do reserve the right to add to the list at any time.

In NO particular order (I wouldn’t want to make any of them jealous):

David Beckham: Down-right perfection with a British accent. And this Mama better back off.

John Cusak: I know there are lotsa lay-days with this crush like her and her (thanks for finding that pic for me), but bitches, back off my Lloyd.

Justin Timberlake: Did you just hear that? He just said, “Come over here and jump my bones, Angie,” with his eyes.

Jimmy Fallon: Wit is SO cute. I wanna do him.

Tom Cruise: Proof that crazy can be pretty.

Taye Diggs: Oh, Mama. Just look. Take a few seconds to take him in. I’ll leave you to your private thoughts.

Jon Bon Jovi: He can Lay His Hands On Me any time. That was cheesy. Now he might not come over. Damn. And to think I had a chance.

Victoria Beckham: Yes, a woman. And she comes with my David. After seeing her 1 hour show last summer, I fell in love.

John Krasinski/Jim Halpert: I *heart* cute nerds.

Nate Berkus: Cuteness goes a LONG way, especially for a gay man. Wait, is he gay? If I’m gay, too, does that mean… Cause I can go whatever way he wants.

Thursday 13 + 7

Continuing…

61. There’s always something else I should be doing. Always. Like now, I should be preparing orders for tomorrow’s shipment or folding laundry or doing dishes or sleeping.

62. My nickname in High School was Fro. See: The Hair

63. Is it me, or is the fact that a size 8 is considered “plus size” highly irrational?

64. I have bad skin. Like 14-year-old boy bad. Not the kind that scars my face for life, but it’s always been a problem. No, Proactiv didn’t help. No, spending $145 on Arbonne didn’t help. No, Neutrogena didn’t help. I’m now on a special antibiotic and zit cream to help. I’t snot It’s not really helping.

65. I got my husband to start a blog, but he’s not “blogging.” Argh. Why don’t people listen to me?

66. How AWESOME would it be if pot were legal?

67. I don’t get this new wave of “rock music” like Fall Out Boy, Good Charlotte, etc. I guess I’m now old.

68. I want to watch more movies, but that takes time and uninterrupted focus. See: blogging.

69. Perfumes and smells give me headaches. I’m getting older.

70. Most organized religions confuse me.

71. I love the way my girls smell, sans shitty diapers.

72. We owe $80k more on our house than for what we can sell it. See: Real Estate Bubble BURST

73. I just got a tax bill that will scare you out of your skivvies. Please, for the love of Oprah & the IRS, shop in my store.

74. I’m trying to become a better photographer like Secret Agent Mama. See: #61

75. I want desperately to donate to a charity, but there are SO many from which to choose. If I donate to one, the others get jealous. They all need my spare $12.

76. I’m lucky I didn’t get pregnant before I got married. But who isn’t, right Sluts? HIGH-FIVE!

77. I’ll consider myself lucky if I don’t get pregnant during the next 15 years of my fertile womanhood. That, and I’ll sue the urologist who performed HockeyMan’s vascectomy.

78. I’m addicted to sugar. I guess that’s better than heroin.

79. Apparently I’m a horrible snorer. Apparently I kept my mom, dad, and sister up for 2 nights before they bought me Breathe Right strips and a throat spray and it helped on night 3. Apparently HockeyMan sleeps right through the nightly nose symphony while he’s off in Ambienland.

80. I suffer from sporadic bouts of explosive diarrhea. Sexy, right?

Baby Bathing Suit

Front Back?????

Size 22 Medium
Medium? Is that necessary?

In doing extensive research on the subject of the once-fashionable jean shorts for my sister post to the too-short shorts, I discovered the term “Jorts.” Call me a girl on this one, but I’d like to compliment the creator of the term. You, my man, are da man.

Why, you ask, am I discussing the travesty fashion of the jean shorts?

It seems, my dear tens of readers, two of my cousins believe them to be acceptable attire in mixed company. For serious.

There are still people wearing the short jean. The Jort.

Who are these people and why do they still sport the Jort?

Two of these people are my cousin and my cousin’s husband. And they DEFEND their right to wear the jean short. They are PROUD of their jean shorts. They wear them in mixed company at times of sorrow, at times of joy, and at times of togetherness.

Anytime, my friend, is not the right time for the jean short.

They may convince themselves of the convenience or comfort or stylish looks of the Jort, but they need a visit from the Fashion Fairy and a healthy serving of knuckle sandwich.

Most Jorts wearers also don a Mullet (the hairdo, not the fish) as seen in the pictures available here. (My cousins may be the exception to the rule.)

Also perplexing is the propensity to TUCK in the printed t-shirt IN TO the Jorts all-pulled-together by a braided belt loosely knotted and flipped around (as cousin #1 exhibits).

The Jorts fashion is limited to the proud and true 50 States as I’ve never witnessed any other non-AmeriCAN in all of my 19 days of overseas travel donning the Jorts. If any of you exotics have spotted the Jorts in your local pub, be sure to snap a pic for posterity.

Even though I am a Florida native, I am NOT a Florida (UF) fan. (GO NOLES!) So imagine my elation when I discovered that UF fans actually LIKE wearing jean shorts and do it on purpose. How apropos that the the lowest of the low Floridiots would WANT to wear Jorts.

Lastly, I am inspired by the blog, Stuff White People Like, and I am going out of a limb and proclaim that black people DO NOT WEAR JORTS. None. Not one. This is a white boy phenomenon. I am challenging you, my tens of readers, to link to me a photo of a black man wearing Jorts.

Disclaimer: Jorts do not fall in the same definition as hip hop baggy man capris normally worn by young black men. Jorts are mainly stone- or acid-washed denim adorned with a belt and tucked-in shirt. I’m talking JORTS here, peeps.

Find me a black man in Jorts and you got yourself a $10 gift certificate to my store. (Limited to 2 gift certs in case I’m totally wrong in this.)

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UPDATE:

Angela @ goinpopless is the 1st to submit a black man in Jorts:

Anyone else? 1 more gift certificate left!

Orlando sucks only because I can’t find the scenery below in MY backyard.

My backyard is full of mud, clay, dead grass, and ONE friggin tree. ONE. Our yard is so small, we need a goat instead of a lawnmower, but the goat would probably starve.

I was just up in Charlotte, NC, for the first time for a family tragedy. But out of the tragedy, I found some of the most beautiful nature in my cousin’s backyard.

Seriously? This stuff is is within 1 MILE of her house. I am SO FRIGGIN’ jealous of the HILLS and CREEKS and REAL BOULDERS and GREEN GRASS and TREES. Orlando SUCKS.

In my section of razed land and scrub trees and dirt, this stuff is unimaginable.

I’m considering moving - I even found this house. The price is INSANE. Mama likes. UH LOT.

Does anyone want to buy an overpriced house with no yard in Orlando? (Can you say, “real estate bubble?”) If so, I’ll sell so I can move.

Friggin Orlando.

I’m a little late today, but the service was held this morning. This was one of the HUNDREDS of flowers sent to honor my cousin, Christy.

I can’t tell all of you blog friends thank you enough for your support. I’m sorry I’m not back to being the most hilarious blog on the internets, but I’ll be back home tomorrow bringing on the funny.

I’ve spent the last 3 days sharing a hotel room with my parents and a bed with my sister. Here’s what you have to look forward to:

Jean shorts
Snoring
Gay/Not Gay family
Money sucks

Like “art imitates life,” so shall “blog imitate life.”

As you know, I’m normally the most hilarious blog on the internets to read, but as it’s been a very difficult few days and will continue on through the weekend, I feel that you, my loyal tens of readers, will stick around and help me through. And throw some hilarity my way. It’s OK to be funny in your comments. Please. I need it.

To everyone who’s thought about my family and given your condolences over the past 2 days, I am TRULY grateful. Your kind words and thoughts really have helped me through this. It’s amazing how the “imaginary friends” I have out in Blog World have helped. Again, thank you.

There really isn’t an update on how or why my cousin died. We do know that it wasn’t any “normal” condition or reason for an otherwise healthy pregnant woman (like an aneurysm or heart attack), but she was healthy and had just been to the doctor a few days earlier for a checkup. It may take up to 2 months to get a real answer or not even get an definitive answer at all which is very frustrating.

We do know her 3yo son was home with her, and he thought Mommy was sleeping. He told his dad, “Mommy just won’t wake up.” She had been dead for a few hours by the time her husband found her at home.

Christy and Josie (the baby) will be cremated together and their ashes scattered at the beach in S. Carolina.

My sister and I are helping as well as a team of other family and friends around their house. Today, Jackie and I had to return the baby’s crib linens which we were happy to do, yet so surreal. Luckily the customer service rep didn’t ask questions.

One thing I’ve learned from this is to make sure your kids, if they are old enough, learn how to dial 911 and WHY to dial 911. A few weeks ago, I started teaching my 3yo to dial emergency if she can’t get me up or if I am hurt. This may or may not have saved Christy, but it can’t hurt to teach your children the basics.

So, for the Haiku, I’ll do my best to let you know a little piece of Christy.

Pure True Yellow Life
Gabriel and Josephine
Loving Passionate

Trying to think
of the best way to describe
a person I knew

Together family
was when we chatted children
enough to know PURE

I’m not a good haiku-er, but I thought I’d try. Thinking back on Christy and what we lost has really made me think more about my core trueness. She was the most true person I know. Never pretentious. Always caring. She cared for our family deeply. Thinking back I can’t think of a single time that she said a negative word about anyone. Really. It’s hard to do for other people I know (myself included), but for her, pure and true.

Again, thanks for reading and helping me through. I tried to bring the funny back yesterday, but that flopped. I’ll try, try again in a few days. For now, it’s helping to live in the moment of grief.

It’s not all doom and gloom here - we are a very sarcastic, funny family, so we’re keeping it light. But with the funeral Saturday, sadness is hanging over us all.

Your kind, uplifting, funny words mean so much.

~Angie

I gotsta bring up the funny cause the next few days are going to suck. I wish I had more info about my cousin (see yesterday’s post), but when I know more, I’ll share.

So, to bring in the funny, here’s the 13 best nicknames for my sister, Jackie. Yeah, she’ll LOVE that I’m using her for blog fodder, but she wont’ see this for at least a few days until we get back in town.

1. Bitch Bitch Bitch Determined

2. Jack

3. Jackass

3. Wacky Jackie

4. Yacky

5. Jackoff

6. Mama to Wally (soon to be born)

7. Bitch (different from #1)

8. Bitchy

9. Headstrong

10. Jack-o-lantern

11. One-who-cannot-spell-her-middle-name

12. One-armed swimmer

13. My sister

I love ya, sis!