Birth & Death Today

Birth: My best friend from childhood had her son early this morning.

Death: My pregnant cousin, due with her 2nd child in 6 weeks, was found dead tonight. Her son is 6 days older than my daughter.

Emotions.

Sweet mother of Jeebus, I get sucked in.

To watching true crap on TV.

Please, mother of Jeebus, tell me WHY I spent 5 minutes of my precious time watching the drivel that is spewed on morning television for housewives to gobble up like delicious Dibs, caramel macchiatos (google spelling), and Mr. Clean Scrubbing Bubbles.

I used to be a Today Show watcher, though I grew up in a GMA household (hi, Ma!). But then I woke up and realized that shiny pretentious head of Matt Laurer’s and the holier-than-though attitude Ann Curry exudes wasn’t worth my treasured TV time.

And then they did it. They added a FOURTH HOUR OF DRIVEL. Unless you’re in to window box herb gardening OR want to lose 25 pounds “the easy way” by imagining yourself as the size 4 model exhibiting the quick-and-easy exercises “even YOU can do at home” OR want to listen to Rick Springfield stumble his way through his newest “hit,” watch something else.

Like a made-for-TV movie starring Merideth Baxter-Birney on Lifetime Movies. Or the sixth hour re-run of SportsCenter. You’ll feel better about yourself.

But today. Today they hit an all-time low.

They geniuses at NBC added Kathie Lee to the FOURTH hour of the Today Show.

Yes, that Botoxed, pulled-back, cheated-on face appeared this morning chatting it up with Hoda Kotb.

And yet, I watched 5 whole minutes of that blather.

And all I got was a blog post.

All it takes is a little ass kissing, begging, pleading, and promising, and you, too, can be a cool kid on Alltop!

I’d like to thank the little people - XBox4NappyRash for telling me NOT to email Alltop (which I ignored and emailed anyway, the bastard) and Sarcastic Mom for encouraging me to be as helarious as I could be (which will never measure up to the greatness that is Lotus) and SEND that email.

Most important, of course, I’d like to thanks the people at Alltop for taking me not-so-seriously and putting me up in the Humor section. I guess I have to make sure I’m hilarious as usual.

In case you’re wondering what it takes to be cool like me, follow these steps:

1. Admit to yourself that you are cool and you need to share your coolness on Alltop.

2. Search for hours to find out how to let Alltop know who you are. Or, just click on “About us” on their site.

3. Write a very uncool blog post about Alltop. Like mine.

4. Don’t listen to self-admitted idiot men like XBox4NappyRash and send Alltop a “for your consideration” email. Like I did.

5. Sit back and wait for your coolness to be validated by the self-admitted cool people who are Alltop.

6. Now ignore your screaming children begging for your attention as you watch the new traffic roll in. I’m ready… Bring it on.

Hello, new readers! I love you all as much as I love a new pair of underwear - soft and taught for the first few wearings, but then wear out after the stain gets too gross.

Welcome! Now leave a comment, bitches. The 6th grade picture of me thanks you.

I’ve seen a crapload of whiney bitches around bloggy world the past week.

What the fudge?

If you don’t want to read about people voicing their opinions on sex offenders (see: Miss Britt) or see pictures of kiddie poo (see: Sarcastic Mom) or about raising 6 kids in a tiny house (see: Mom2My6Pack) DON’T READ.

Take your little mousypoo and click on icanhascheezburger to enlighten your world with happy, friendly pictures of kitty cats.

I’m getting a little defensive over my friends and people I don’t know against shiteous crapasses who decide it’s OK to blast people on THEIR OWN FRIGGIN BLOGS.

If you don’t like it DON’T READ IT.

These crapasses are the same people who think it’s OK to stop loving people from marrying just because they’re gay. They’re the same idiots who think it’s OK to put a Bible in every hotel room but not a Koran or Torah. They are the same idiots who think Bushy is doing a great job over there getting those “terrorists.”

Yes, blogging is an open forum for everyone to participate, but to go into another person’s blog and blast them for their own personal thoughts, sucks ass.

Happy Monday!

What is this “Alltop?”

Why is there Alltop?

Who is Alltop?

Why should I care to be in Alltop?

I wanna be cool kid!

But that automatically makes me an uncool kid.

Damn.

I don’t wanna kiss ass, Mr. XBox4NappyRash.

But some of my best bloggy friends are in the cool club (see: Secret Agent Mama, XBox4NappyRash).

This will probably move me to the bottom of the “considerations” list if I was even on it.

If I don’t make it to Alltop, I’m making my own uncool club where no one’s invited. Not even me.

Here’s a bit about A Whole Lot of Nothing for your consideration:

Come to AWLN, where every day is a party in my pants.

You’d like its freshness – can you smell it?

You’d like its awkwardness – like you laugh behind the backs of people who stumble.

You’d like its sarcasm – like you’d like a fresh bowl of crap.

Kite Flying

First Time Flying Kites

High Kites

Calm Before the Storm

Candy Geometry

Candy Heaven

I think I’ve posted this pic before, but it’s perfect for today’s PH.

Mmmmm…. Beer….

In the last week, I’ve attended 2 4yo birthday parties.

2

In one week.

Both served pizza. Both served “juice” boxes. Both had crapass cake. Both had cheap “decorations.”

I’m no Colin Cowie, but I do know I don’t want the stock toddler birthday party for my kids. I’m considering not even having a birthday party for The Boss in July for her 4th.

But since she’s been to all these other enjoyable parties, she’ll want her friends gathered together with their moms ignoring them as the kid shoves 1245 grams of sugar down their throats.

So now, what’s a lazy mama to do?

And why am I thinking about this in April?

Suggestions? Ideas?

Anyone wanna hire Colin Cowie for me?

I’ve heard Avitable throws a HELL of a party. But he might scare the kids. And their moms.

That might be fun.

Went shopping today.

With a 3 yo and a 2 yo.

Shopping for myself. In a lovely lady lumps big girl’s store.

Pretty successful considering.

Considering I had a 3 yo and a 2 yo with me.

Considering my shoulders are 5 yards wide.

Considering my fundage level is low.

And I look pretty damn cute in my new summer clothes.

Thursday 13 + 7

Continuing…

41. Stupid people really annoy me. Not people who don’t have the ability to learn, but the people who refuse to learn. Take, for example, family members who feed their babies an entire piece of chocolate cake. I’m no mother-of-the-year, but for Jeebus-sake, read a book and know you don’t feed babies chocolate.

42. I hate apathetic people. Get a backbone and take a side or have an opinion.

43. I wish I knew how to understand Spanish. It’d be nice to speak it, but I at least wanna know what the Spanish-speaking people at Wal-Mart are saying behind my back.

44. I wear a size 16. At Lane Bryant. Sometimes.

45. I like wearing silly shoes, but I need more confidence and money to wear them more.

46. I have NO concept of why baby and child beauty pageants exist. Wait - I do have a concept. Moms who enter their kids into the pageants are living vicariously through their children.

47. I’m not religious. I believe myself to be spiritual at times, but not religious. I’ve never been to a church of a regular basis, so when people discuss the Bible, I don’t get 95% of what they’re saying. I need to learn more not for the faith aspect, but for the history.

48. I have two nasty dogs. Well, 1 nasty dog and 1 who has to live with the nasty dog. Nasty as in she drinks her own pee. I’ll stop there.

49. Someday soon, I will get my fat-ass to do the splits.

50. I love being in water and swimming.

51. I was a lifeguard at a Girl Scout camp when I was 16. Every day I was terrified that I’d have to save someone. Luckily I didn’t.

52. I’ve never lost a swimming race. Especially against my sister’s one arm swimming technique.

53. I hate money. But only when I don’t have any.

54. I was intensely moved by seeing Spring Awakening on Broadway in February. If I could, I’d pay for all of my readers to go see it.

55. I have recently come to terms with myself and my body. I REFUSE to let my body stop me from doing anything.

56. I have my dream home pictured in my head, but it changes every time I watch House Hunters.

57. Forget #55. I wish I had nicer boobs. Not necessarily bigger but a nicer shape.

58. I love sauce. Marinara sauce, cheese sauce, honey mustard sauce, Ranch sauce, BBQ sauce, etc. WPAT & XBox - say no more…

59. I have a pointy nose. So does my mom. So does my sister.

60. “Crazy eyes” scare me.