5 Reasons You’re Sadistic For Going To Disney World In The Summer

by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on June 11, 2012

in Disney World,Farts and Other Stuff,Kiddos,Observations

I may be a Florida Native living in Orlando with annual passes to Disney World, but you won’t catch me willingly setting foot anywhere near those theme parks during the summer.

Do you like the smell of a sweaty tourist on a corn dog and jumbo Coke bender? I sure as crap don’t.

After tweeting this, I got so many responses back saying how right I am (duh) and a few saying they like the heat (you crazy):

This is the face of a Florida-born child who has been outside, under cover, for 2 hours. Friggin torture right there. Not torture for her, but torture for her mother (me) who had to deal with a squirmy, sweaty, tired, OVERLY DONE toddler.

You people who choose to torture yourself and your families in the 90º+ heat, 100001% humidity, and near-park-closing crowds are sadistic. And not in the fun, Christian Grey-means-well-and-won’t-hurt-me kind, but in the kill-me-dead-and-dying-from-the-torturous-heat-and-crowds kind.

These are just 5 of the reasons I think you’re insane in the membrane for planning a trip to Disney World in June, July, or August. I have umpteen million more reasons, and just one of them is enough for me not to go, but you can make your own decision on whether coming to the armpit of Hell in the summer is a good idea.

1. Crowds
Theme parks will actually close their gates when they reach full capacity. Theme park officials won’t release attendance numbers to let us know what exactly that means, but think along the lines of “Sardine Cans.” If you think they’re not going to pack the parks full of thousands of other tourists because it’s hard to even walk a straight line, you’re wrong. They squeeze (literally) every body legally possible into those theme parks until the walkways are lined with sleeping babies in the arms of exhausted grandmas sitting on putzed-out rented Jazzy scooters.

2. Sweat
Boob sweat. Thigh sweat. Ankle sweat. Butt sweat. Chin sweat. Crotch sweat. Hair sweat. Lip sweat. Neck sweat. Stomach sweat. Eyelid sweat. In-between-toes sweat. Wrist sweat. More crotch sweat. More boob sweat.

3. Rain
It’s nearly guaranteed to rain at some point during the day. Some people may say that the afternoon rainstorms are a good thing because that means that the theme parks are flushed out of the wimps and left with the hardcore visitors. But do you know what comes after afternoon rains? The ground sweats. No, seriously. You can actually see the asphalt and concrete and ponds sweating off the humidity. You’re already soaked to the bone (no matter how many trash bags and yellow ponchos you layered on during the rain), and now the ground’s dirty sweat is creeping up your wet socks.

4. Lines
Do your kids like waiting in line at the grocery store? How about at the post office? Do yourself this favor before you plan a trip to Disney World in the summertime:

  1. Give Little Johnny his own bag of Cotton Candy.
  2. Let him watch the first 20 minutes of Toy Story 3.
  3. Skip his afternoon nap.
  4. Turn on the heat full-blast.
  5. Spray him down with a water bottle.
  6. Take him with you into the post office on a Friday afternoon.

How does he act? Because that’s exactly what will happen during minutes 2-179 as you wait in line for Toy Story Mania. Now, do that at least 10 more times that day, because that’s exactly what will happen on just the first day of your week-long visit to Disney World.

5. Heat
You don’t know “heat” until you’ve done the following, all in the name of your kids’ “happiness”:

  1. Step out of an over-crowded air-conditioned souvenir shop onto a black asphalt walkway at 2pm on a sunny day in July.
  2. Stand there until the 3:00 parade.
  3. Keep standing.
  4. …and keep standing.
  5. Guard that precious spot of real estate because there are literally manfights over square feet of parade route viewing.
  6. Don’t even think about sliding over to get under an awning to shade your baking body.
  7. Your kid needs that space in the sun to see the parade, dammit, so keep standing!
  8. Wonder how everyone else get the memo that you had to spend an hour waiting around for the parade that will most likely be canceled because the notorious afternoon Central Florida storms are rolling through.
  9. REPEAT FOR THE NIGHTTIME LIGHT PARADE AND FIREWORKS.

My advice? Plan a trip when there is no holiday, no vacation time, and when they kids are in school.

Yes, that’s me, Mrs. “Retired” Teacher whose kids both had perfect attendance this school year who doesn’t believe in taking kids out of school for a “Mental Health Day.” When you’re planning a once-in-a-lifetime, or even a once-in-a-1/2-decade, trip to Disney World, TAKE YOUR KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL. Just a few days. Travel Wednesday after school, miss school Thursday and Friday, then travel home on Monday. Don’t do it over a holiday weekend; do it the week before or the week after a holiday weekend.

You and your saved sanity will thank me.

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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

1 ErinInFL June 11, 2012 at 1:32 pm

LOLOL!! I could have written this. We save our trips for the fall, winter and spring, for the most part. We get MORE than our money’s worth out of annual passes just by going at those times.
An Awesome post on ErinInFL´s blog … A Legacy And The Beauty Of Facebook

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2 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] June 11, 2012 at 10:23 pm

We tell people this all the time: “There’s a reason the Florida Resident Seasonal Annual Passes have block-out days. You don’t want to go when they tell you that you can’t go.”
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Shopping? Click It And Forget It!

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3 cindy w June 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

My kids are going to a year-round school (or rather, Catie will be starting kindergarten at one in July). One of the biggest selling points to me was, “Off-season vacations!” Airfares, crowds, weather, all of it.

I’m thinking I might take them both to Disney World sometime in the winter. Believe me, if I do, I will be letting you know.
An Awesome post on cindy w´s blog … single parenting suckage

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4 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] June 11, 2012 at 10:25 pm

You should come, but if I were to be 100% honest (and I am), I’d tell you to either come w/o Lucy or wait until she’s older. Bringing a toddler or a baby is a lot of work and planning. But of course, it’s up to you! And I’ll totally help you plan it if you’re coming!
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Shopping? Click It And Forget It!

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5 Jana A (@jana0926) June 11, 2012 at 6:18 pm

BEST ADVICE EVER! We always went in October. During the week. And it was FABulous!
An Awesome post on Jana A (@jana0926)´s blog … Life Changes in Split Seconds

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6 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] June 11, 2012 at 10:26 pm

YUP! One of the best times to come!
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Shopping? Click It And Forget It!

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7 habanerogal June 11, 2012 at 7:08 pm

My parents took us there is June and more than 25 years later I can still feel the sweat. I took my kids in December 2 weeks before Xmas BEST decision ever !

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8 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] June 11, 2012 at 10:27 pm

The time between the Monday after Thanksgiving until the Thursday before the week of Christmas is THE BEST time to come! Decorations are up, the weather is cooler, and NO ONE is there.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Shopping? Click It And Forget It!

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9 Corey Feldman June 12, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Also a former teacher. I have a different perspective on mental health days now.
An Awesome post on Corey Feldman´s blog … Update on depression and Egret series

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10 Val Payne June 13, 2012 at 5:26 am

I’m sending this post to my mom. I’ve lived in the Pacific Northwest since moving here the day after high school graduation and have acclimated nicely. My husband is from here. Our children are PNW children – the five year old wears shorts in 54* weather if it’s sunny out. Yet my mother still tries to convince me to visit her in Orlando every summer with the promise of a fun time at Disney World. No, DW in July is hell. We’ll visit on Feb 9 or sometime around then. It’ll still be too hot for my PNW family….

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11 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] June 13, 2012 at 8:10 pm

It’s way too hot for me; I can’t imagine how much you thinbloods would live.
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12 Heather Steele June 14, 2012 at 7:49 am

I totally feel you on the heat and humidity here in Texas. We’re planning a summer stay-cation to an indoor water park just to avoid the sweltering, whining, drippy mess. We are looking to visit Orlando in the early spring though – any suggestions on good dates for the park around March?
An Awesome post on Heather Steele´s blog … Yep – That’s a Sheet Next To The Milk

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13 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] June 14, 2012 at 10:23 am

I’m all for calling our summer inside a “staycation” to give it meaning.

March is hard b/c it’s Spring Break, and if Easter is in March, no WAY you should come. If Easter is in April, come near the end of March.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … How I Got Dirty Books To Be New York Times Bestsellers

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14 Otaqueen October 10, 2012 at 12:51 pm

We’re from California’s Central Valley/San Francisco and weathering our third year in the PNW (Seattle). After three months in Tokyo, my son and I decided to make our annual pilgrimage to “Halloween Time” in Anaheim. I could not believe how crowded it was.

I know that I’m an irresponsible mom, but, what the heck, Anaheim? Halloween Time is traditionally one of the best times to visit Disneyland because of the relatively light crowds and pleasant, fall-in-Southern-California weather.

I get that, with the new Cars Land having just opened up, there were bound to be more crowds than usual, but still. I was definitely a bit stabby there toward the end, but then we got to see the “Frankenweenie” exhibit with all the gorgeous models and props, and it was worth it. But, still.

My husband’s currently saving up vacation days for a family trip to WDW this early Christmas time. We haven’t been since my now eight-year-old was eight weeks old. We can’t wait.

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15 Brenda April 17, 2013 at 1:33 pm

A thousand years ago (It feels like now) we used to trek our way during the 2 week Christmas holiday as the park wasn’t busy. Wow what a decade has done. Then two decades and you wouldn’t catch me there if my life depended on it. Literally wouldn’t. I try to go during the Food and Wine festival and have found that not only do I enjoy it more now than when I was trying to lug 6 young children since I now have 6 older children. They enjoy it too. I turn them loose (They are teenagers and older) and I go where I want and they go where they want until meal time. We join for the rides we all like, I go to shows and exhibits, they continue on rides that don’t do anything for me. Of course we all hit the thrill rides. Will the Rocking Roller Coaster or Tower of Terror ever get old? NO! I’m lucky now. My middle child is an exec for Disney and God Bless them, I get in free. Save your money until your children are old enough to enjoy it AND remember it. If you need a diaper bag, they are too young………on this you can trust.

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16 Michelle August 31, 2013 at 1:41 am

See I went last year in August and honestly, yea it was hot, but it really wasn’t that busy. The only days I really found overly busy was on Saturday and Sunday. That is the Weekend, which means more people(locals included) would be there before they either leave or it is their first day there…. I did like the rain because it gave me a chance to sit down and relax for a while… I don’t know if it was me but when it is sunny I felt the need to keep going… With the rain it gave me a reason to sit down and relax for a few min and reflect. No i did not like the sweat but what do you expect from summer and as for lines, well not all places had lines that bad. I have an app that shows line times and the line time no matter what time of the year is almost 2 hours if not more for Toy Story Mania… I understand this is more for locals but I think you just have to know what day of the week to go, not just boy cot it the entire summer… :)

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17 disney florida December 6, 2013 at 12:24 pm

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18 stu August 23, 2014 at 12:21 pm

You had me until “perfect attendance for both kids”….. clearly you are the expert on Sadism.

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