I may be a Florida Native living in Orlando with annual passes to Disney World, but you won’t catch me willingly setting foot anywhere near those theme parks during the summer.
Do you like the smell of a sweaty tourist on a corn dog and jumbo Coke bender? I sure as crap don’t.
After tweeting this, I got so many responses back saying how right I am (duh) and a few saying they like the heat (you crazy):
You people who go to Disney World (by choice) during June, July, & August are crazy. Insane. Dare I say SADISTIC. It’s stupid-hot & crowded.
— Angie (@alotofnothing) June 11, 2012
This is the face of a Florida-born child who has been outside, under cover, for 2 hours. Friggin torture right there. Not torture for her, but torture for her mother (me) who had to deal with a squirmy, sweaty, tired, OVERLY DONE toddler.
You people who choose to torture yourself and your families in the 90º+ heat, 100001% humidity, and near-park-closing crowds are sadistic. And not in the fun, Christian Grey-means-well-and-won’t-hurt-me kind, but in the kill-me-dead-and-dying-from-the-torturous-heat-and-crowds kind.
These are just 5 of the reasons I think you’re insane in the membrane for planning a trip to Disney World in June, July, or August. I have umpteen million more reasons, and just one of them is enough for me not to go, but you can make your own decision on whether coming to the armpit of Hell in the summer is a good idea.
Theme parks will actually close their gates when they reach full capacity. Theme park officials won’t release attendance numbers to let us know what exactly that means, but think along the lines of “Sardine Cans.” If you think they’re not going to pack the parks full of thousands of other tourists because it’s hard to even walk a straight line, you’re wrong. They squeeze (literally) every body legally possible into those theme parks until the walkways are lined with sleeping babies in the arms of exhausted grandmas sitting on putzed-out rented Jazzy scooters.
Boob sweat. Thigh sweat. Ankle sweat. Butt sweat. Chin sweat. Crotch sweat. Hair sweat. Lip sweat. Neck sweat. Stomach sweat. Eyelid sweat. In-between-toes sweat. Wrist sweat. More crotch sweat. More boob sweat.
It’s nearly guaranteed to rain at some point during the day. Some people may say that the afternoon rainstorms are a good thing because that means that the theme parks are flushed out of the wimps and left with the hardcore visitors. But do you know what comes after afternoon rains? The ground sweats. No, seriously. You can actually see the asphalt and concrete and ponds sweating off the humidity. You’re already soaked to the bone (no matter how many trash bags and yellow ponchos you layered on during the rain), and now the ground’s dirty sweat is creeping up your wet socks.
Do your kids like waiting in line at the grocery store? How about at the post office? Do yourself this favor before you plan a trip to Disney World in the summertime:
- Give Little Johnny his own bag of Cotton Candy.
- Let him watch the first 20 minutes of Toy Story 3.
- Skip his afternoon nap.
- Turn on the heat full-blast.
- Spray him down with a water bottle.
- Take him with you into the post office on a Friday afternoon.
How does he act? Because that’s exactly what will happen during minutes 2-179 as you wait in line for Toy Story Mania. Now, do that at least 10 more times that day, because that’s exactly what will happen on just the first day of your week-long visit to Disney World.
You don’t know “heat” until you’ve done the following, all in the name of your kids’ “happiness”:
- Step out of an over-crowded air-conditioned souvenir shop onto a black asphalt walkway at 2pm on a sunny day in July.
- Stand there until the 3:00 parade.
- Keep standing.
- …and keep standing.
- Guard that precious spot of real estate because there are literally manfights over square feet of parade route viewing.
- Don’t even think about sliding over to get under an awning to shade your baking body.
- Your kid needs that space in the sun to see the parade, dammit, so keep standing!
- Wonder how everyone else get the memo that you had to spend an hour waiting around for the parade that will most likely be canceled because the notorious afternoon Central Florida storms are rolling through.
- REPEAT FOR THE NIGHTTIME LIGHT PARADE AND FIREWORKS.
My advice? Plan a trip when there is no holiday, no vacation time, and when they kids are in school.
Yes, that’s me, Mrs. “Retired” Teacher whose kids both had perfect attendance this school year who doesn’t believe in taking kids out of school for a “Mental Health Day.” When you’re planning a once-in-a-lifetime, or even a once-in-a-1/2-decade, trip to Disney World, TAKE YOUR KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL. Just a few days. Travel Wednesday after school, miss school Thursday and Friday, then travel home on Monday. Don’t do it over a holiday weekend; do it the week before or the week after a holiday weekend.
You and your saved sanity will thank me.