50 Shades Of Grey Is Ruining My Life: Tales Of A Real BDSM Housewife

by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on July 16, 2012

in And Then Some,Guest Posts

I don’t often hand over the keys to my precious blog kingdom, but if it’s for the good of humanity, I allow it.

With all of the recent chitter-chatter of Fifty Shades of Grey and BDSM and smutty smut smut, a friend of mine wanted to say her peace.

WHY? Because she lives the BDSM lifestyle.

I had no clue. (And really, why would I?)

Also, how cool is that that I know someone who’s into all of the kinky shit? And she wants to talk about it here on my piddly blog? Very cool.

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50 Shades of Grey is ruining my life.

I know some of you are reading that statement and shaking their heads. You’re probably asking, “Why would she say that? That book has made my sex life better!” I say YAY FOR GREAT SEX!, but it still doesn’t change the fact that it is ruining my life.

I am a submissive woman in a D/S relationship. It is a 24/7 relationship. That means that I am submissive 100% of the time. It is not just a bedroom game for us.

First on the list of why it is ruining my life: Sir
Sir is what I call my love. I call him Sir because it is a name that shows my respect for him and it shows him how important he is in my life. When people would ask me about it I would just dismissively say, “Oh, it’s a nickname,” then go on about my day. Now people ask more questions on why his nickname is Sir.

Second on the ruining my life list: The Contract
I have rules that I must follow or I will be punished for my disobedience. These are not rules that Sir makes up off the top of his head. These are rules that were discussed at length before we chose together what would be best for our relationship. There was no him handing me a contact for me to sign without taking into consideration our life together. My rules are in place to keep me healthy and happy. If I feel that I am being treated unfairly, we discuss it.

Third: The Red Room of Pain
Yes, some people have a dungeon for where they perform all their acts, but we don’t. We have a typical bedroom, except that there is a wall of paddles hanging up.

Fourth: Every suburban housewife is now a BDSM expert.
I live this life every single day, and I don’t know everything. I am still learning and growing as a submissive, and I will continue to do so until my last breath.

Fifth: The Dom is the one in control.
This one is laugh-out-loud funny. I am the one in complete control. I have my safe words; if I use them, it must stop. If whatever we are doing doesn’t stop, then it is abuse. A good Dominant will know to stop before you even get to your word.

Sixth: Sex! Sex! Sex! and even more Sex!
We are parents of two small children. We are exhausted some nights, and we just crawl into bed and go to sleep. Shocking!

I can go on and on about that dreadful book, but these are just a few reasons while that horrid book is ruining my life.

If you have questions please ask me in the comment section, and I will answer whatever I can.

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When she sent me the above post to share here, I had some questions for her on just how she feels she’s been negatively affected personally by people reading the books. She summed it up with this: “A lot of people think that I can change Sir the way she (Ana) changed him (Christian) then we can be ‘normal.’”

I totally get why she feels like her lifestyle is being judged and “ruining her life.” Now that people know more about the lifestyle, fiction or not, more judgment from Judgy McJudgersons is projected on people like her.

Personally, the books opened my mind to other people’s “normal,” allowing me to be more accepting of my friend’s choices. I know that my opinion of her lifestyle is of no consequence to how she lives her life, but I hope my limited education of BDSM gives her some solace in knowing I think she’s totally amazing for having the balls to live the way she wants.

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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Glitter Dunn July 16, 2012 at 11:07 am

Some of my dungeon-employed friends say that the book doesn’t do enough to explore the complexities of that type of relationship and it’s essentially sending all of these readers in unarmed because they aren’t bothering to educate themselves beyond the book.

Also I’ve heard that “the way she practically orgasms every time a penis is near her” isn’t how female lady parts work.
An Awesome post on Glitter Dunn´s blog … Solitary Refinement

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2 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] July 16, 2012 at 12:06 pm

There’s a lot about the functioning of lady parts that isn’t 100% accurate. Like being able to DO IT 3-4 times a day? Yeah. Not likely unless you want to end up with a urinary tract infection and/or shredded bits.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Official Smut Peddler #SmutBookClub

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3 jana A (@jana0926) July 16, 2012 at 11:25 am

I read the books knowing that this is how your guest lives her life. I was very shocked when she first told me (because it’s outside my frame of reference), but also very curious so once I realized more of the intricacies, I realized it can be a healthy relationship that I never would have understood.

I’m sorry it’s effecting her life. That makes me very sad. As far as the books, they had some good smut, but the lack of research into the actual lifestyle and the assumption that C was a dom was b/c he was “fifty shades of fucked up” was kinda bad form. And let’s not talk about the editing :)

I’m glad your guest spoke. I’ve been waiting to hear her words on the subject.

xoxo
An Awesome post on jana A (@jana0926)´s blog … Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Smells of Summer

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4 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] July 16, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Exactly what I said, too. Without the books (putting aside the atrocious writing style and incorrect details), I would have thought differently if she’d told me before I read them. Not that I would have judged; just that I wouldn’t have known to feel OK with her doing what she does.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Official Smut Peddler #SmutBookClub

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5 Molly July 16, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Maybe your friend should write a REAL version of 50 Shades… or at least a version that reflects the realities of the BDSM relationship she knows.

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6 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] July 16, 2012 at 10:45 pm

YEAH BUDDY.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Official Smut Peddler #SmutBookClub

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7 barefeetmom July 16, 2012 at 10:49 pm

I’m really curious about your friend’s day to day life. How did D/s come up? What are some of the rules? How did having children change the rules? Is there any area of their lifelife that she’s the dominate or takes the lead? I could go o
n & on. Lol.

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8 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] July 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Same here!
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Official Smut Peddler #SmutBookClub

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9 cindy w July 16, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Ok, so, I know the person who wrote this and I adore her, and I have no judgment about what other people want to do with their lives. I guess my only question – and OMG I hope this doesn’t come across as offensive or judgy, because it’s honestly just based on curiosity more than anything else. But, if this is a 100% lifestyle for you, and it’s not just something you do in the bedroom, how do your kids understand your relationship?

I mean, obviously they aren’t exposed to the sex part, just like my kids aren’t exposed to my sex life. I just wonder about the regular day-to-day dom-sub relationship, and if they’re aware of these roles that you have, or what their comprehension (if any) is of that dynamic.

Not trying to be all, “Think of the chiiiiiiildren!!” Because, well, no. They’re your kids & you know what’s best. So, like I said, not judging. Just wondering how it works.
An Awesome post on cindy w´s blog … First day of kindergarten

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10 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] July 17, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I had the same thought and question.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Official Smut Peddler #SmutBookClub

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11 Celeste December 6, 2012 at 2:46 am

Some couples are really strict on some things when it somes to kids. my husband and i tone it down alot infront of the kids. mine are older so theyre picking up on some things. I dont call him sir because thats what i want my kids to call him yes sir no sir yes mam no mam etc. some women call their husbands or parteners sir in public but i personally think its puts me on the level of my children or a stranger and we said from the beginning we would have an equal relationship. In the bedroom on the other hand its always master. i agree the book didnt have much correct info but it was meant for fun in the bedroom not as a BDSM how to guide.

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13 Kelly C July 16, 2012 at 11:08 pm

I actually have the same question as Cindy. She put it so well! Thank you, Cindy. I’m not being judgey either…just totally curious.

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14 meme December 21, 2012 at 8:42 pm

To me submission is simple.. you do as your partner wants. I don’t think you need anything other than your mind and paying attention. It took me a while to understand this because I want my partner to be more dominant he is a natural leader. But ended up me learning to submit I love my partner and would do anything to aid him. We have a normal relationship no bdsm yet baby steps. But I have a better understanding myself. Then read the book.. I was disappointed…

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15 Lele January 17, 2013 at 3:05 pm

Things that annoy me:

Christian is not a dom bc he is 50 shades of fucked up, throught his submission and Domination he was able to get controll over him slef.

The relationship that your friends has is just that a RELATIONSHIP and what christian want in the begianning was was just extented play. it grew into something more and it is at that point that they disscuss and change the rules. ( if you read all three books you will see that Ana still does have things she can and not do, just not a contract)

Ana did not in any way, shape, or form fix/change Christian. Chriatian changed Christian, he wanted her more than he wanted to remain broken and unfilled. Your friend does not seem to have a problem with Her Sir and there for there is no reason to fix/change anything about Her Sir.

As I reader and fan of 50 shades I would have loved to see/read more about C’s other “relationships” before Ana, because I think they would have done more to explore that world.

I think that it is stupid to assume that all realtionships are the same, and this includes BDSM relationships. Ana and C’s (who are fictional btw) relationship is their own, just as Your friend and her Sir’s relationship are their own.

I am vent in your comment section, I know but some of these things really grind my gears. and I am trully sorry that your friend is having a hard time due to the incresed popularity of all things BDSM-like. I wish her and Her Sir a long and happy life together and hopfully a new fad will come along and distract most of these people.

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16 Sky August 19, 2013 at 5:11 pm

I really couldn’t get past the horrible writing to read much into their vanilla sex. I did see some abusive things in Christian. I don’t know of any woman who would tolerate a man doing this to them in real life. In real life, he’s be arrested for stalking. Yes, I know it’s fiction but women had already opened that big can of worms when they started looking for a real ‘Grey’. So, I will say that a real Grey wouldn’t be put up with by any woman, IMO. Besides, this piece of crap book didn’t suspend disbelief when I read about her perils of hair brushing on page 1. Zzzzz. Anastasia, to me, was a simple headed twit who had no idea what she was getting into. I didn’t read books 2 and 3 because I hated the repetitiveness of the first one. I sampled the 2nd and 3rd book. Just, no. Ana isn’t educated enough to be in a BDSM relationship. If you could call what Christian does as BDSM.
If James wanted a book to mimic real life, then she definitely needed to keep it consistent. Ana’s a virgin, yet can orgasm at the drop of a hat or Grey’s eyelids, whatever. Her orgasms go on and on and there are so many. Yeah, right. She goes down on him like Jenna Jameson her first go around. Again, yeah, right.
Poor research. Even poorer writing skills. I’m all for women branching out and trying new things but I’ve heard of some women going out to buy rope for the bondage part. It sounds great but without knowledge on how to properly tie someone up without damaging nerves is asinine to even try it. I say, seek a professional. Read this for some mind numbing fun but leave the real BDSM to the people who know how to live it. Don’t try to mimic Grey’s and Steele’s sex life. I think mine’s far more interesting anyway. If this is your steamy fix and it helped your sex life, ok. But it really makes me think these people didn’t have much of a sex life to begin with. I’m not saying all are like that but there must be a few.
That is, if you can get past the juvenile writing. I hope this book fades into obscurity and is never heard from again. Leave writing to the people who actually know how to put together a solid story. I just hope James never writes again. Even if it’s lasted longer, maybe it will be another ‘Gangnam Style.’ In quick. Out even quicker.

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17 James November 19, 2013 at 4:54 pm

It pains me that the most inaccurate and poorly researched book on this topic seems to get the most interest and accolade. I am of cause talking about 50 shades of ****.

I found that it just tended to reinforce negative steroetypes in a Finbar Saunders type of nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more way.
Why it has received so much attention is beyond me.

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