I have a love for egg salad that is unmatched by any other mayonnaise-based salad.
It was recently discovered that I am not alone in my passion for a correctly prepared egg salad. While riding shotgun on our beach road trip this past weekend, I was involved in a lively Twitter discussion on the proper ingredients for making egg salad. Clearly, I am worried about major world issues.
The great and powerful Asian Invasion, Jim (aka Busy Dad), compiled a Twitter list with us egg salad lovers. But we are an exclusive club. At our core, we believe a proper egg salad is prepared WITHOUT celery.
Because celery in a mayo-based salad is the Devil’s work.
I’m sure the Beast that is Busy Dad will have his own high-tech, high-flare, highly-edited video post with his own egg salad recipe, but I’m super lazy and self-important, so I’m presenting my own quick and dirty egg salad preparation instructions.
2 peeled, hard-boiled eggs, straight off of the grocery store shelf
less than a tablespoon of KRAFT REAL MAYO
a healthy dose of plain yellow mustard squirts
1-1/2 spoonfuls of Mt. Olive sweet pickle relish with pickle juice
salt & fresh-ground pepper because you’re fancy
Chop the shit out of the hard-boiled eggs you bought and didn’t boil yourself. You deserve to buy your hard-boiled eggs because you have more important things to do on the internet today. If you’re fancy and have an egg slicer that makes perfect white and yellow egg squares, use it on those store-bought, hard-boiled peeled eggs.
Don’t even think about using any other mayonnaise than KRAFT REAL MAYO. Using any other brand will ruin your batch. And if you even THINK about using that Light or Fat Free shit, you’re no friend of mine. The other condiment brands you use is entirely your choice. Except if you have Hunt’s Ketchup in your fridge. I mean, really. Who the hell even buys Hunt’s Ketchup? No friend of mine.
Toss those chopped-as-shit boiled eggs into a bowl and stop to take a picture of your magic.
Add in less KRAFT REAL MAYO than I show here. I clearly used too much as you will see below from the photos of the final product.
P.S. Me saying I used too much mayo is something I thought would never ever never come out of my brain. BOOM. I admit my mistakes.
Squirt in your yellow mustard to taste. I likes me some vinegar, so I likes me a lot of mustard. Spoon in your 1-1/2 spoonfuls of undrained sweet relish. Don’t skimp on the sweet pickle juice. It’s not like you’re drinking it straight from the jar, because that would be disgusting. The sweet pickle juice is my secret ingredient. Top it off with your desired amount of heart -attack salt and fancy pepper.
NOTE: If you add in celery to this mix, stop reading this right the fuck now. You don’t deserve to see my words. You are dead to me. You are a travesty to mankind. I am disappointed in your life choices.
Spoon that mess onto your honey wheat bread. As you can see, it’s a runny mess of KRAFT REAL MAYO and boiled egg goodness.
Finally, NOM ON THAT BITCH LIKE IT’S YOUR LAST MEAL.