Because Celery In Egg Salad Is The Devil’s Work: A Proper Egg Salad Recipe

by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on December 13, 2011

in All About Me,Farts and Other Stuff,I like to eat

I have a love for egg salad that is unmatched by any other mayonnaise-based salad.

It was recently discovered that I am not alone in my passion for a correctly prepared egg salad. While riding shotgun on our beach road trip this past weekend, I was involved in a lively Twitter discussion on the proper ingredients for making egg salad. Clearly, I am worried about major world issues.

The great and powerful Asian Invasion, Jim (aka Busy Dad), compiled a Twitter list with us egg salad lovers. But we are an exclusive club. At our core, we believe a proper egg salad is prepared WITHOUT celery.

Because celery in a mayo-based salad is the Devil’s work.

I’m sure the Beast that is Busy Dad will have his own high-tech, high-flare, highly-edited video post with his own egg salad recipe, but I’m super lazy and self-important, so I’m presenting my own quick and dirty egg salad preparation instructions.

Ingredients

2 peeled, hard-boiled eggs, straight off of the grocery store shelf
less than a tablespoon of KRAFT REAL MAYO
a healthy dose of plain yellow mustard squirts
1-1/2 spoonfuls of Mt. Olive sweet pickle relish with pickle juice
salt & fresh-ground pepper because you’re fancy

Chop the shit out of the hard-boiled eggs you bought and didn’t boil yourself. You deserve to buy your hard-boiled eggs because you have more important things to do on the internet today. If you’re fancy and have an egg slicer that makes perfect white and yellow egg squares, use it on those store-bought, hard-boiled peeled eggs.

Don’t even think about using any other mayonnaise than KRAFT REAL MAYO. Using any other brand will ruin your batch. And if you even THINK about using that Light or Fat Free shit, you’re no friend of mine. The other condiment brands you use is entirely your choice. Except if you have Hunt’s Ketchup in your fridge. I mean, really. Who the hell even buys Hunt’s Ketchup? No friend of mine.

Toss those chopped-as-shit boiled eggs into a bowl and stop to take a picture of your magic.

Add in less KRAFT REAL MAYO than I show here. I clearly used too much as you will see below from the photos of the final product.

P.S. Me saying I used too much mayo is something I thought would never ever never come out of my brain. BOOM. I admit my mistakes.

Squirt in your yellow mustard to taste. I likes me some vinegar, so I likes me a lot of mustard. Spoon in your 1-1/2 spoonfuls of undrained sweet relish. Don’t skimp on the sweet pickle juice. It’s not like you’re drinking it straight from the jar, because that would be disgusting. The sweet pickle juice is my secret ingredient. Top it off with your desired amount of heart -attack salt and fancy pepper.

NOTE: If you add in celery to this mix, stop reading this right the fuck now. You don’t deserve to see my words. You are dead to me. You are a travesty to mankind. I am disappointed in your life choices.

Spoon that mess onto your honey wheat bread. As you can see, it’s a runny mess of KRAFT REAL MAYO and boiled egg goodness.

Finally, NOM ON THAT BITCH LIKE IT’S YOUR LAST MEAL.

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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

1 BusyDad December 13, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Solidarity, sister. Celery can suck an overcooked egg. I’m not a mustard guy, but I think our mutual hatred of celery and love of mayo will keep us united.

Manifesto!
An Awesome post on BusyDad´s blog … May the Force be Merry

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2 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] December 13, 2011 at 10:33 pm

The mustard thing is a matter of taste, and we clearly have taste. You and I are still all good.

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3 avasmommy December 13, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Amen.
It’s called egg salad, not celery salad.

Also? Crumbled bacon added to egg salad is killer.
An Awesome post on avasmommy´s blog … When Words Are Too Much Work

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4 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] December 13, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Yes, please.

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5 Kris December 16, 2011 at 12:34 pm

No crumbled bacon. Full on bacon slices.

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6 Kim December 13, 2011 at 1:20 pm

I wholeheartedly agree with everything in this post, except I can only ever use Hellman’s mayonnaise, cause I promised my Granny.

So what are your thoughts on pimiento cheese?

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7 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] December 13, 2011 at 10:35 pm

You just had to blame it on your Granny.

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8 Christine December 13, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I don’t even like egg salad and I want to eat that sandwich. Love your blog.
An Awesome post on Christine´s blog … Peppermint Bark

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9 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] December 13, 2011 at 10:36 pm

You would like MY egg salad.

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10 hello haha narf December 13, 2011 at 2:04 pm

what cha got against hellmann’s mayo? LOVE that stuff.
not a fan of celery in egg salad. then again, i don’t like relish in it either. you are throwing me outta this place, aren’t you?
An Awesome post on hello haha narf´s blog … Flashback Via Text

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11 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] December 13, 2011 at 10:37 pm

You’re allowed to come back, but only because you’re pretty.

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12 Stacie D December 13, 2011 at 2:13 pm

OK I’m laughing now… I needed that.

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13 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] December 13, 2011 at 10:37 pm

My job is done.

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14 Jessica December 13, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Let’s establish that we love each other and go way back. It’s gonna be important in a minute…

HELLMANS
HUNTS
DILL RELISH.

Smooches.
An Awesome post on Jessica´s blog … Safety first.

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15 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] December 13, 2011 at 10:37 pm

I’m not happy with your choices.

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16 Nanette December 13, 2011 at 9:13 pm

I also like bacon in my egg salad. Mmm!

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17 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] December 13, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Must try next time. Because YUM.

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18 Neeroc December 13, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Oh dude. I think it’s a good thing there’s about a 0% chance we’ll ever eat together. I’m a huge fan of dry, dry, dry egg salad. That mayo-y goo up there? eeesh.

Also – what the heck do you people have against buttering your bread?
An Awesome post on Neeroc´s blog … Party like a four year old!

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19 Adria December 14, 2011 at 2:14 am

WAIT. People put celery in egg salad??!?! Must be northerners, huh? This Okie girl has never seen such a thing.

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20 Adria December 14, 2011 at 2:17 am

Ok, just read the post again. (My mind was too distracted by the freakin’ celery revelation the first time.) They sell pre-hard-boiled eggs?

Also, must try the bacon thing.

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21 ardha December 14, 2011 at 10:44 am

I wholeheartedly agree with everything in this post, except I can only ever use Hellman’s mayonnaise, cause I promised my Granny.

So what are your thoughts on pimiento cheese?

Reply

22 ardha December 14, 2011 at 10:47 am

I am from Indonesia a good article and very helpful I am very interested in online business … merry christmas

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23 Ally December 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm

I pretty much think celery itself is the Devil’s work, so I’m there with you for the egg salad. And I just realized it’s been a LONG time since I’ve had egg salad – YUM!
An Awesome post on Ally´s blog … Marrying A Celebrity

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24 Lori December 16, 2011 at 11:45 am

The way you decorated the mayo made me lolz.
An Awesome post on Lori´s blog … How would you spend the money?

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25 Spunky December 16, 2011 at 11:33 pm

I LUV your recipe for egg salad! Especially the way it’s prepared! I know I always chop the fuck out of my eggs when I make it! And anyone who puts celery in ANYTHING should be shot! Probably the most disgusting thing ever grown on this planet. Also, the fat free and light shit? What the hell? We all gotta die from something, and I will do it with a nice, tasty sandwich in my mouth! Great website!

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26 MjS December 15, 2013 at 1:02 pm

Really…..why do you have to curse so much???

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