Like a bad episode of Celebrity Rehab, drama on Twitter when it doesn’t involved me SUCKS ME IN. I can’t look away. I must find out who comes out the other side as the crazy person.

This time, it’s Kevin Smith (THAT Kevin Smith) versus the Twitter PR rep for Southwest Airlines.

VS

It’s epic.

It’s social media at its best.

It’s social media at its worst.

It’s one for the internet history books.

__________________________________________________

Here’s what the Team Kevin Smith twitterers imagined the Southwest PR rep wrote in her journal about her night of drama:

Sometime before February 13th
OH
EM
GEE

You will NOT believe the awesome job I just got. All of my 6 years of college totally paid off and I got the job I really super wanted. I’m gonna be the lead twitterer for a major airline!!!1!! I’m super duper excited to work with an awes0me company like Southwest Airlines!

I’ll get to stay home and Twitter all day long. Super awesome. All I have to do is tell people who whine about their tickets to call the Southwest 1-800 number and wait on hold for 45 minutes. It’s super duper easy cheesy.

** I can’t believe how lucky I am. **

Saturday, February 13th ~ 9pm est
OH
EM
GEE

You will NOT believe that I have to actually sit on twitter on Valentine’s Day Eve instead of go out with my fiancee. I mean, he planned an awesome dinner at Olive Garden, but noooooo… I have to be on the stupid computer answering stupid customer questions just to tell them to call the stupid 1-800 number. GAH. I wanna go OUUUUUUT….

** I can’t believe how much this sucks. **

Saturday, February 13th ~ 10pm est
OH
EM
GEE

You would NOT believe that I have to respond to some fat guy on twitter who got kicked off a plane. I mean, he’s fat. He needs at least two seats. What’s his deal? Doesn’t EVERYbody know fat people need two seats? So what if he could put down the armrest like our policy claims is the difference between fat (two seats) or not fat (one seat). He deserves to be kicked off.

GAH. What a whiner.

** I can’t believe people are so stoopid. **

Saturday, February 13th ~ 10:03pm est
OH
FUCK

You would NOT believe how many twitteres are harrassing ME. Like it’s MY fault that guy got kicked off the plane. Whatevs. He got his $100 voucher. What else does he expect? A cookie? (ha! a cookie for a fat guy. LOLZ)

** I can’t believe people like this guy. **

Saturday, February 13th ~ 10:30pm est
OH
SWEET
JEEBUS

You would not believe how many times my boss has called my cell. I’m SO not answering that. I mean, this is all gonna go away overnight, right? It’s not like people are going to talk about this in the morning, right? I already tried to DM him to give him another $100, but he’s not even following me. Like, everyone should follow me, I mean SouthwestAir. We’re like the best airline in the world.

** I can’t believe I have to do this dumb job on a Saturday night when I could be making out with my fiancee at the Olive Garden. **

Saturday, February 13th ~ 11:00pm est
SHIT

You would not believe that I got fired. Even after I wrote that super awesome post on the Southwest blog about how it’s totally not our fault that that fat guy got kicked off, they fired me. I even titled it something super duper cute ’cause he’s all “Silent Bob” and he’s not so silent. I mean, that’s a gem.  And it’s totally not our fault he couldn’t fly on our plane just cause he could put down his armrests but was still fat.

** I can’t believe the internet hates me. **

__________________________________________________

Dedicated to Sarah in MI

I’m no different that you. I judge people, too.

Especially the famous.

They’re rich and famous. They can take it. When I’m rich and famous, you can totally judge me because I’ll be all rich and famous and judging you back as being my minion. sothere

Lately, I’ve been spending my spare time judging the famous couples at award shows and on Twitter. You know, because I have spare time. not Also, I know these people personally from reading Perez Hilton & TMZ. not

Katy Perry & Russell Brand
She’s kitschy. He’s dirty. Together, I love them. They got together because he professed his love for her on the MTV VMAs last year. I mean, c’mon. That’s super sweet.
She seems to have grounded him from the hookers his playboy lifestyle. They’re moving into wedding blissdom a little too quickly for my taste, but they haven’t yet picked up my voicemail to listen to my opinion.

Pink & Carey Hart
She’s awesomely creatively talented. He’s getting-a-divorce-worthingly cute.
They got married. They broke up. They broke my heart. They got back together. They make me smile, especially from watching them twitter back and forth. They totally looove one another. I looove them together.

Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban
He’s adorable. She’s plasticized.
I’m not a country fan, but I’ve always liked him. I liked her for AGES, especially after the Big D from Tom. But since she’s gone and wrecked her face with at least 5 pounds of silicone, I just feel sorry for Keith.

Beyoncé & Jay-Z
Who doesn’t love Beyoncé? She’s talented, beautiful, and super duper sweet in my head. Jay-Z is talented, handsome, and super duper… something.
Just something about them together that I love. Though, they are losing major points with me because they don’t talk about one another. It’s like they have a phantom marriage to phantom people, only EVERYONE IN THE DAMN WORLD knows they’re married. It’s just weird.

Celine Dion & René Angélil
Still gross.