My imaginary IM bloggy friend, Amanda at Shamlessly Sassy, has demanded I answer her pressing question.

I sit here tired, weaning off meds (cause my friggin Dr. office won’t call me back), and busy beyond belief. (But I’m kind of glad to post tonight b/c my mom is here in town and won’t be reading my blog for a few days, so hopefully she won’t go back in the archives and find this.)

I wasn’t even planning on posting tonight. THAT’S how tired I am.

But NOOOOOO. Miss Sassy is stalking me, demanding/pleading/begging me to write about peni. The peen. The man stick. The love stick.

I am giving in. I will answer:

“New question: What do you think about penises? Have you ever been randomly flashed by a stranger? If there was a new handy computer tool called a penis, would you use it?” 

THINK about them? I try not to. I’m gay. My husband knows.

Randomly flashed? No, thank GOD.

New handy computer tool? Does it count as a computer if it runs on batteries? If so, then yes, I use it.

Happy now, Miss Sassy?

How about questions for YOU since you FORCED me to answer tonight - How much do you weigh? How much did you weigh when you graduated high school?

Personal enough for you?

Thursday Thirteen: 13-1 answers to your deepest darkest weeniest questions

On a serious note, your questions were really weeny.  If you have better questions for me, I’ll answer more next week if more are asked. Jeez, peeps. Grow a pair and ask!

Bronson Said: I won’t get to see my Mom this weekend, but want to send her something, something not flowers, got any ideas or guidelines?
Easy answer: Porn. That or chocolate. Either would make a good mom happy.

Amanda (Shamelessly Sassy) Said: What is the best Christmas gift you have ever received?
1st place: TiVo. Changed my life for.ev.er. Mama LOVES some DVR.
2nd place: $1000 cash. Only happened once, but every year, I wish and I wish and I wish.

Tara R Said: what would you do if your mom moved into your house… I’m gonna need some ideas since my mom moved in last week!
I’d allow her to clean.

if you had to move somewhere else where would it be?
Canada. Probably Vancouver. May be a reality if Obama or Clinton doesn’t make it into office.

what do you hope your girls grow up to be?
Gay. Boys are icky.

Angie’s Favourite Sister Said: Have you ever tried to kill your baby sister? If so, how and why?
CLEARLY, YOUR perception of “kill” and my perception of “kill” are a bit different. You may have THOUGHT I was trying to kill you by dunking your head under water repeatedly while laughing at you trying to catch your breath. But I blame you for hanging around me when you, as the younger sister, needed to get your own damn friends, and then you wouldn’t have those horrible laughable memories.

Sister-In-Lay Said: So waht are you going to get for your AWESOME sister in law for her up coming 29th b-day?
I wasn’t aware I had a Sister-In-Lay. But I’m getting my sister-in-law a whole wad of nothing. How about a hug? Eh? Hug?

Xbox4NappyRash Said: What could I say to you to make you send me cash buck money?
Is “cash buck” like a butt load? The Euro-to-classy-American lingo didn’t quite make it, so I’ll assume you mean butt load of money. I guess if you told me you have a guarantee pill to make me lose 25 75 pounds without the side effects of alli, I’d send a cash buck.

Little Miss Sunshine State Said: When your cutie-patootie girls get bigger will you let Hockeyman put them on a Pee-Wee hockey team?
I want Anna to start tomorrow.

Or will you say Noooooooo and make them take ballet instead? Because Geez, they’re GIRLS and all.
They can do hockey and ballet together if they want. I guess you can call that figure skating, but don’t tell Patrick that.

I’m not one to usually remember funny quips said around Messy House, but this was, by far, the best advice I could pass along.

A naked Claire Kong, aka Trouble, was found digging for black gold. As her mother, I of course, tell her, “Stop digging in your butt!”

An inquisitive Anna, The Boss, Banana, asked, “Why you telling Caa to not dig in her butt?”

Mommy Dearest says, “Cause it’s not nice to dig in your butt.”

Anna Banana responds, “You don’t digg in your butt or else you get a hole in your butt.”

Sounds like good advice to me.

Continuing on… This should be short ’cause I have to pee, and I’m too lazy to get up to go.

MommyTime asked, “What the most ridiculous thing you did in your teens?  in your 20s?  Pictures not necessary but of course an added bonus…”
Most ridiculous thing I did. Hmmm. I’m not sure if you mean ridiculous “stupid” or ridiculous “silly.” Here are some options:
- In my teens, I broke up with my long-time boyfriend over the phone during a commercial break in BH 90120. I still feel bad. Not that I feel bad “regret” feel bad. Just was dumb.
- In 9th grade I had my hair cut to resemble a mushroom and wore a pink lace dress.
- During high school, I always had a boyfriend. ALWAYS. I needed attention. That’s pretty ridiculous.
- In my 20s, I went to a friend’s wedding and got falling-down drunk in front of old high school “friends” and puked in one of their cars.

K8Spade noted, “Oh, and p.s, I’m subscribed to you, so you better get your ass in gear and give me somethin to work with. I gotta pull the baby out of the dog crate again.”
Back off, bitch. I’m working here. And the comment about the baby in the dog crate? I think I love you.

Deb - Mom of 3 Girls noted, “I’m always up for cute kid pictures…  :)”
Awww… shucks. I don’t want to turn off my 5s of men readers (Bronson - I see you) by posting frivolous pictures of my adorable girls. So I combined cute kids with pooping. All mens like pooping.

Shamelessly Sassy asked, “What is your favorite mistake?”
Claire aka Trouble - I know, I know. Kids are not mistakes. But we weren’t planning on getting pregnant with her for 6 more months, but at least she was planned for some time. But Claire being Claire, she did it on her own terms. I was on the pill AND breast-feeding, and I STILL got knocked up. She’s very willful. Yeah - we’ll go with willful. Jebus and Oprah, help me.

Colleen asked 57 questions - here are 3, “Attempt to solve the world’s largest riddle: Why in God’s name does the older kid have to play with whatever the younger kid is playing with, even if it means abandoning a pricey electronics toy for a bowl and a wooden spoon?”
We, parents, are stupid. We think our kids have to have the best of the best to make it to the top of their class and have the highest IQ therefore thinking we need to buy expensive electronics instead of letting them discover and imagine. Wow - that was a rant on myself. Bad mommy. I’m giving them sticks and tape to play with tomorrow instead of a $2400 computer.
“If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?”
Dubai to the Burj al Arab with someone else paying.
“Of all the trips you’ve taken in your life, which was your favorite?”
I can’t pick a favorite, but one I remember is a trip to North Carolina in high school w/ my family. I just remember being really relaxed in the mountains. And for some reason, I read Helter Skelter about Charles Manson. I was a weird kid.

Tara R asked, “what do you want for mother’s day?”
Peterbrooke Malted Milk Balls.
Huh-huh. I said milk balls. Huh-huh. I said balls.

Earlier this week, my mind went blank for the 157th 1st time this week, so I asked my tens of readers for questions for me to answer. Here are the almost honest answers:

1.  VDog asked, “Do you really think you’re a yuppie??”
a: No. A yuppie is considered to have money. I don’t have any. Well, not enough.

2. Cyndi asked, “How about your own spin on “Half-Nekkid Thursday”…..like “Half-Nekkid EVERYDAY”???”
a: What the heck is “Half-Nekkid Thursday”? If it means I have to be 1/2 naked, then I don’t believe in it. It should be outlawed. If it means any of my Laminated List mens or womens are 1/2 naked, then YES! Absolutely! I think it should be a law inacted! Much more important than universal healthcare or equal rights!

3. Light asked, “What made you start this blog?  Any blog tips?”
a: I started this blog after being inspired by (my now friend) Dawn at Because I Said So. I know I’ll never be the blogger amongst bloggers she’s become, and that’s not my intention, but I liked having a forum for attention connecting with people.
I don’t have blog tips except make it pretty or interesting-looking. And be funny. And write with proper-ish grammar.

How many licks does it take to get the center of tootsie roll pop?
I’ve always heard three. I’ll go with that.

Did you watch Big Brother?  Your thoughts on the finale?
Did I watch BB??? That’s like asking Dick Cheney if he’s the devil! Of course - I am a BB whore! Short of buying the online 24/7 feed, I watch EVERY friggin show. Finale? Sucks major shitballs. Adam is a creepo, but better than Natalie winning.

4.  Hockeyman asked, “How about why Hockeyman is the greatest person in the world after you get past all the people who actually do something aside from planting on the couch to watch sports on TV?”
I married you. If that doesn’t serve your purpose on feeling like the greatest man in the world, you need some serious medical intervention. You hit the marriage jackpot, sucka.

5. Angie’s Favorite Sister asked, “How about a post about how excited you are to be an aunt for the first time?  Geeze…  Can a pregnant girl get a little love around here?”
I’m crazy-excited to be an aunt!!! The kibosh was put on me to stay quiet for so long about you being knocked up, I forgot I could talk about it. Send me some friggin belly pics, and I’ll put them up.

6. Jess asked, “Maybe you could write about how to really get into the blogger world and have blogger friends because I just can’t seem to get with it or, I’m doing it all wrong?”
#1 advice - comment comment comment on other’s blogs. #2 advice - reply to your commentors. #3 advice - chat on IM with people you find interesting. #4 advice - LEAVE YOUR LINK IN YOUR COMMENTS! I couldn’t link back to your blog b/c the address you left in your comments wasn’t valid. I’m not really one for advice b/c I only have 10s of loyal readers whom I LOVE.

7. PG asked, “What’s better and why… Monkeys or Giraffes?”
Very simple answer: monkeys. Looking past the fact that monkeys eat their own poo and pick their buttholes, monkeys are funny. Or maybe that’s why they are funny.
Monkeys are cute. I can call my kids a monkey for being silly. Who calls their kid a giraffe? “That was so long-necked of you, Johnny! You really stretched out there to get that leaf off the tree, you little giraffe!” Doesn’t happen.

8. Little Miss Sunshine State asked, “How about a little LOVE STORY? How and why did you and Hockeyman meet and fall in love?”
He was cute. I was cute. He was horny. I was horny. We were 18. We worked together. We hooked up. He saved me. I saved him.

9. justmylife asked, “What did you eat at Chik-fil-A?”
Spicy Chicken Wrap w/ fries dipped in mayo and ketchup with unsweet tea

10. Carolyn B. asked, “You could try one of the blog projects out there, like http://www.x365.org/”
I can’t stick with anything that requires me to be responsible to anyone else. Except raise kids, and the jury’s still out on that.

11. Dark room asked, “I love your template! One of my favorite colour combinations.”
Not a question, but I always take compliments from exotics who over-use “u” in words. I love Canadians and Europeans! You guys are so cute; I just want to put you in my pocket and dance! Thanks!

12. Kim asked, “a picture of your workstation at home. a picture of your favorite flip flops.”
Ha - workstation? I sit on a recliner with my wiener next to me and my compy on my lap. Next to me is piles o’paperwork and toys and old drink cups.

Don’t mind the kids’ legs on the couch. She’s been given vodka to sleeeeeeep…..

Flip flops - I haven’t been able to wear traditional flip flops since I broke my foot in a very tragic, mentally-scaring incident a year and a half ago. All of my flip flops have to have an arch. But these are my favorites.

Pile from which the shoes were picked:

13. XBox4NappyRash asked, “Tell us how much you have in the bank.”
I’m so sorry you weren’t more specific on that question. I really would have told you, but since I have about 5 bank accounts under 3 names, I’m not so sure to which bank account you are referring. So, so sorry. Try being more specific next time, loser.

Since it’s Thursday Thirteen, I’m limited to only 13 questions today. I don’t follow rules.

Have a question you need answered? Keep asking - I’ll answer all of my fan’s deepest, darkest inquiries in the next day or five.

Bronson & Steph - quit lurking. I know you’re there. Stalkers.

I’ve decided to take a more conscious outlook on what I eat. NOT a diet, cause I’ll fail. NOT a “change of lifestyle” unless it means marrying a woman.

Just to be more conscious of what I eat and how much sugar goes into my back fat.

Speaking of back fat, it’s what made me start to realize what I’m inhaling eating.

When your back fat roll meets your boob under-crease, it’s a problem.

Sexy.

Like Lotus, I’m naming mine. But they’re staying anonymous. And there will be NO pictures. Please. Stop begging.

I’m not talking drastic measures like cutting out Kraft (KRAFT) Mayo and bread (cut out bread and i’m a crazier crazy person.

I’m just saying I’ll get the Iced Skinny Vanilla Latte instead of the Iced White Chocolate Mocha. Instead of the T6 combo of 2 Baja Steak Chalupas and soft chicken taco at Taco Bell, I’ll get the 3 soft chicken taco combo. I may still get the Mtn Dew, but I’ll really try to get the iced tea. At least it’s brewed there and not some crapass iced tea syrup drink. I’m southern. I likes my iced tea BREWED.

So, now that I’ve had my ONE, NOT TWO, Giada’s brownie topped with Nutella, chocolate chips, and hazelnuts, I’m drinking some water to wash it down.

See, it’s starting already.

Imagine two “healthy-sized” ladies in the same full-size bed. One pregnant.

Below was the summary of our sleeping situation in Charlotte (thanks to Picnik in Flickr).

Apparently, I snore.

This is my first Flashback Friday, so I don’t know what to link to or what meme to credit, so if you know, lemme know. I do know Mamma Loves… is a participant. That’s about it. I suck. Maybe it’s not even a real meme. If not, I’ll take this post out of the “meme” category. Can I do that? Guess I’ll find out.

I sure am writing a lot of crap to get to the Flashback. I decided to use the Laminated List post for two three reasons:
a) Hello? Hot men.
b) Jim Halpert - I just finished watching The Office, and if the mucky mucks at NBC decide to break up Jam/Pim, I will seriously boycott. BOY. FUCKING. COTT. Jam/Pim make me happy. I live vicariously through their witty romantic flirty banter. The writers are SO good on that show that they don’t overwhelm their loyal readers with blahblahblah about sissy girlie crap and their relationship.
3) I had a lot of Bloggies posting their own Laminated Lists, so if you’re reading this, DO ONE. I don’t believe in tagging, just threat of shame.

I digress - The Laminated List post:

********************************************

In case you live in the dark didn’t watch Friends, a Laminated List is the top 5 people that, if they showed up on your doorstep, you could *ahem* GET WITH and your spouse/spousal equivalent would have to step out of the way. Because this is MY list and MY blog, I’m expanding my Laminated List to 10.

Do you think any of them have a thing for overweight, married moms? If so, I’m ready and waiting. Give me a call.

Agree? Disagree? Who’s on your list? Let me know. Just don’t take one of mine away. My list is laminated, though I do reserve the right to add to the list at any time.

In NO particular order (I wouldn’t want to make any of them jealous):

David Beckham: Down-right perfection with a British accent. And this Mama better back off.

John Cusak: I know there are lotsa lay-days with this crush like her and her (thanks for finding that pic for me), but bitches, back off my Lloyd.

Justin Timberlake: Did you just hear that? He just said, “Come over here and jump my bones, Angie,” with his eyes.

Jimmy Fallon: Wit is SO cute. I wanna do him.

Tom Cruise: Proof that crazy can be pretty.

Taye Diggs: Oh, Mama. Just look. Take a few seconds to take him in. I’ll leave you to your private thoughts.

Jon Bon Jovi: He can Lay His Hands On Me any time. That was cheesy. Now he might not come over. Damn. And to think I had a chance.

Victoria Beckham: Yes, a woman. And she comes with my David. After seeing her 1 hour show last summer, I fell in love.

John Krasinski/Jim Halpert: I *heart* cute nerds.

Nate Berkus: Cuteness goes a LONG way, especially for a gay man. Wait, is he gay? If I’m gay, too, does that mean… Cause I can go whatever way he wants.

Thursday 13 + 7

Continuing…

61. There’s always something else I should be doing. Always. Like now, I should be preparing orders for tomorrow’s shipment or folding laundry or doing dishes or sleeping.

62. My nickname in High School was Fro. See: The Hair

63. Is it me, or is the fact that a size 8 is considered “plus size” highly irrational?

64. I have bad skin. Like 14-year-old boy bad. Not the kind that scars my face for life, but it’s always been a problem. No, Proactiv didn’t help. No, spending $145 on Arbonne didn’t help. No, Neutrogena didn’t help. I’m now on a special antibiotic and zit cream to help. I’t snot It’s not really helping.

65. I got my husband to start a blog, but he’s not “blogging.” Argh. Why don’t people listen to me?

66. How AWESOME would it be if pot were legal?

67. I don’t get this new wave of “rock music” like Fall Out Boy, Good Charlotte, etc. I guess I’m now old.

68. I want to watch more movies, but that takes time and uninterrupted focus. See: blogging.

69. Perfumes and smells give me headaches. I’m getting older.

70. Most organized religions confuse me.

71. I love the way my girls smell, sans shitty diapers.

72. We owe $80k more on our house than for what we can sell it. See: Real Estate Bubble BURST

73. I just got a tax bill that will scare you out of your skivvies. Please, for the love of Oprah & the IRS, shop in my store.

74. I’m trying to become a better photographer like Secret Agent Mama. See: #61

75. I want desperately to donate to a charity, but there are SO many from which to choose. If I donate to one, the others get jealous. They all need my spare $12.

76. I’m lucky I didn’t get pregnant before I got married. But who isn’t, right Sluts? HIGH-FIVE!

77. I’ll consider myself lucky if I don’t get pregnant during the next 15 years of my fertile womanhood. That, and I’ll sue the urologist who performed HockeyMan’s vascectomy.

78. I’m addicted to sugar. I guess that’s better than heroin.

79. Apparently I’m a horrible snorer. Apparently I kept my mom, dad, and sister up for 2 nights before they bought me Breathe Right strips and a throat spray and it helped on night 3. Apparently HockeyMan sleeps right through the nightly nose symphony while he’s off in Ambienland.

80. I suffer from sporadic bouts of explosive diarrhea. Sexy, right?

Sweet mother of Jeebus, I get sucked in.

To watching true crap on TV.

Please, mother of Jeebus, tell me WHY I spent 5 minutes of my precious time watching the drivel that is spewed on morning television for housewives to gobble up like delicious Dibs, caramel macchiatos (google spelling), and Mr. Clean Scrubbing Bubbles.

I used to be a Today Show watcher, though I grew up in a GMA household (hi, Ma!). But then I woke up and realized that shiny pretentious head of Matt Laurer’s and the holier-than-though attitude Ann Curry exudes wasn’t worth my treasured TV time.

And then they did it. They added a FOURTH HOUR OF DRIVEL. Unless you’re in to window box herb gardening OR want to lose 25 pounds “the easy way” by imagining yourself as the size 4 model exhibiting the quick-and-easy exercises “even YOU can do at home” OR want to listen to Rick Springfield stumble his way through his newest “hit,” watch something else.

Like a made-for-TV movie starring Merideth Baxter-Birney on Lifetime Movies. Or the sixth hour re-run of SportsCenter. You’ll feel better about yourself.

But today. Today they hit an all-time low.

They geniuses at NBC added Kathie Lee to the FOURTH hour of the Today Show.

Yes, that Botoxed, pulled-back, cheated-on face appeared this morning chatting it up with Hoda Kotb.

And yet, I watched 5 whole minutes of that blather.

And all I got was a blog post.