I’ve decided to take a more conscious outlook on what I eat. NOT a diet, cause I’ll fail. NOT a “change of lifestyle” unless it means marrying a woman.

Just to be more conscious of what I eat and how much sugar goes into my back fat.

Speaking of back fat, it’s what made me start to realize what I’m inhaling eating.

When your back fat roll meets your boob under-crease, it’s a problem.

Sexy.

Like Lotus, I’m naming mine. But they’re staying anonymous. And there will be NO pictures. Please. Stop begging.

I’m not talking drastic measures like cutting out Kraft (KRAFT) Mayo and bread (cut out bread and i’m a crazier crazy person.

I’m just saying I’ll get the Iced Skinny Vanilla Latte instead of the Iced White Chocolate Mocha. Instead of the T6 combo of 2 Baja Steak Chalupas and soft chicken taco at Taco Bell, I’ll get the 3 soft chicken taco combo. I may still get the Mtn Dew, but I’ll really try to get the iced tea. At least it’s brewed there and not some crapass iced tea syrup drink. I’m southern. I likes my iced tea BREWED.

So, now that I’ve had my ONE, NOT TWO, Giada’s brownie topped with Nutella, chocolate chips, and hazelnuts, I’m drinking some water to wash it down.

See, it’s starting already.

Went shopping today.

With a 3 yo and a 2 yo.

Shopping for myself. In a lovely lady lumps big girl’s store.

Pretty successful considering.

Considering I had a 3 yo and a 2 yo with me.

Considering my shoulders are 5 yards wide.

Considering my fundage level is low.

And I look pretty damn cute in my new summer clothes.

I’ve admitted before, I have lovely lady lumps and I don’t mean my boobies. I mean the cheesy lumps on my arse and my thighs. Being that I am a plumpalicious girl, I am standing up and protecting my fellow larger ladies and the rest of the world.

How? By calling a moratorium on shorts that are wider than they are long.

Unless you are in the top .01% of the ladies in the U.S., YOUR SHORTS SHOULD BE LONGER THAN THEY ARE WIDE. If this ratio is on the negative side, DON’T SQUEEZE YOUR FAT ASS INTO THE SHORTS.

Just because some clothing store makes the clothes and you can pull up the screaming zipper, DO NOT buy the shorts.

Oh, sweet Jesus and Oprah. Here is my evidence from Old Navy:

Allowing Old Navy (and others) to sell shorts at a 4 1/2″ inseam in a size 6 or up should be criminal. Allowing us larger ladies think it is OK to leave the house, much less purchase, any shorts less than a 5″ inseam (and still you gotsta have some NICE legs to pull those off) is a travesty.

And who are they joking with this picture of the shorts with a space between the legs? No woman who is a size 14 or up has any space between her thighs. You nasty nasty marketing picture-taking people at Old Navy are trying to make us think that those shorts (with pleats btw) will allow our crotches to breathe.

Sorry, ladies, but wearing these shorts will only allow your ass to have a snack on some denim.

So, please. For the love of Jesus and Oprah. Stand UP and show your lovely legs! Just wear your shorts a little longer.

Because of the number of fellow lay-dayz (HOLLA!) who want to join me and JackAss JackOff Jacquisha my only favorite sister in our old age, I’m accepting some suggestions for our future life. Good ideas can join us. Bad idea, find someone else to bother.

So far, here are some great suggestions for our future agoraphobic life:

Alcohol, and LOTS of it, suggested by MammaLoves.

BonBons - Hello? Why didn’t I think of that the first time around? VDog, you’re in.

HOUSECOAT! Wear it, and you’re in, Mommy Always Wins.

Bitching, or as Senora Patron said, a “bunch of vindictive women picking on unsuspecting and naive menfolk.”

So now I’ve decided to create a commune. Women and gay men only. You are MORE than welcomed to join as long as you have ideas on how to make our community a better place. Or, if you want to clean our house, you can come along.

When we’re old and gray and HockyMan has left and gone to Hoky Hockey Heaven and FratBoy has gone to Frat Heaven, my sister and I have decided our future together.

I lurve my sister.

We will be agoraphobic.

We will be hoarders.

We will watch We/Oxygen/Lifetime/TLC and shitty reality TV 24/7.

We will eat constantly.

We will have a gaggle of Chihuahuas and dress them up.

We will decorate with Chihuahua art.

We will not allow anyone into our C.H.A.O.S.

If you can live with that, you can join us.

On our first day in Manhattan, I think I ate 8000 calories in just dinner, dessert, and 2nd dessert.

Union Square Cafe ~ 7:30pm

I don’t drink beer, but HockeyMan does. It’s just a good pic.

Potato-less Gnocchi - Who knew? Mine

Serious Scallops Mine

Polenta with Goodness Ours

Banana Goodness Mine

Bull & Bear at the Waldorf=Astoria ~ 11:00pm

Real Waldorf Salad at the Waldorf=Astoria Mine

Onion Soup HockeyMan

Almond Creme Brule at Bull & Bear Mine

Key Lime Sandwich HockeyMan

Uhhhhhh….. How much for apps and dessert????
Our receipt at Bull & Bear at Waldforf=Astoria.

I’m thinking of going into a new career - food photog as long as I get to eat the food after.

Wordless Wednesday

Fellow bloggers Busy Dad, Chicken Fried Therapy, Bliss in Bloom have set the challenge to take chances and write about it. I didn’t think I had anything to write about until I thought. And it hurt. To think.

Today, I finally decided to step up my game, and I made an appointment to get acupuncture. I’m really excited to finally get things all in line and chi flowing and ohmmmmmmmm….. Something’s gotta get fixed inside this body of mine cause it just ain’t working right.

Last night, we drove all the way (25 minutes) to Bennigan’s for the delicioso dessert I mentioned a few days ago. We had a nice dinner, the girls were good, and we had some major laughs (check back Wednesday for the picture).

And wouldn’tchaknowit.

Friggin place ran out of BANANAS. How the crap do you run out of bananas when you’re a restaurant advertising a delicious banana dessert? Argh.

But everything happens for a reason, right?

In the 3 seconds it takes me to kick and scream and whine complain to HockeyMan, I think to myself, “Self, you didn’t really need those extra 500 calories and 30 grams of fat you would have eaten had bananas been in plentiful supply. Self, God is telling you that you don’t need to keep eating crap food even if it is delicious and you drove out of your way to eat it. Self, why don’t you chock this up to fate that today is the day to stop eating dessert.”

But, no. Fate would have it that we would be sat in a booth at the front window of Bennigan’s with no other customer seated in our section (maybe that was because we have 2 noisy toddlers in tow). And fate handed us a treat.

As we were staring out the window across the street whining discussing the lack of bananas and how we’ll have to come back another day, the beacon shone itself.

Hot Now

Yes, my dear blog friends, the bright orange Krispy Kreme sign flicked on just as we looked out the window.

How can I make that up? You can’t control fate. You can only give in and eat a Hot Now glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut or two.

Deeelish.

If you know me, you know I love a list and sweets. So why not combine the two into a list of my favorite restaurant desserts? Keep in mind, these are restaurant desserts. The homemade stuff doesn’t count. Why? Because my mom’s Pecan Pie can’t compare to any other dessert on earth. It just doesn’t compare.

In order:

1. Bahama Breeze: Bananas Supreme - “Sliced bananas and vanilla ice cream on warm banana-nut bread, with hot, homemade butterscotch brandy sauce.” Lord. Help me now. I do not. Will not. Don’t even ASK me to share this with you. I’ve heard about other desserts at BB, but I’ve never tasted them. This is THE best. Ever.

2. ESPN Zone: Mighty Duck Hockey Puck - The thickest, most delicious brownie ever. Sadly, it is no longer offered at the restaurant. It’s been about 7-8 years since I’ve had it, and I think of it often. It will be falling from the #2 spot soon. Sadly.

3. Bennigan’s: BANANAS FOSTER XANGO - “Creamy original and banana cheesecake layered with rich caramel, wrapped in a flaky pastry. Served warm with vanilla ice cream, banana slices and topped with caramel, Bananas Foster sauce and whipped cream.” This, my friends, is the reason for this post tonight. HockeyMan ordered this delectable dessert tonight whilst I protested, and we discovered a new reason to drive out of our way to Bennigan’s. Go there NOW and eat this low fat dessert.

4. Smokey Bones Barbeque: Bag of Donuts - Fresh to Order Hot Cinnamon Sugar Donuts - If you have resisted this in the past, resist no more. They recently added to their strawberry dip (yes, dip) a chocolate sauce dip. Oh, Lordy, Lordy. Dip them both and eat. Ahhhhhh….

5. Maguire’s Irish Pub: Lucky Chocolate Brownie Pie A La Mode - Baked daily, topped with ice cream. The. Best. Brownie. EVER. Trust me - I’m a professional brownie eater. If you’re ever in the panhandle of Florida, you MUST visit Maguire’s for the best food and desserts.

6. Olive Garden: Chocolate Lasagna - This dessert is only around from time-to-time, and thank goodness for that. I can only take it once every few years and in small doses. It is SO incredibly rich and thick, but SO gooooood.

OK, so I have two favorite brownies, but one is retired. I LURVES a brownie.

What are your favorite RESTAURANT desserts? (I need ideas.)

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

No matter what crap I hear about how many calories, fat grams, and grams of sugar/salt is included in my Turkey Day dinner, I will eat until I have to unbutton my jeans, lay on the couch, and moan in my comfortingly blobness.

I plan on eating every thing and anything I can find.

Yes, I will be a glutton and stuff my fat face until my butt pops another cheese curdle.

Yes, I plan on eating 3 helpings of mashed potatoes.

Yes, I plan on eating pecan pie AND pumpkin pie. No, not 1/2 slices - WHOLE slices.

No, I will not think about what I heard today about that friggin “loser” weight loss show warning me about what I’m eating for Turkey Day.

F you, you skinny bitches. I’m eating until I can’t eat any more. And I will be happy.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm