I’m an ass,

I wrote a post last week about the suckiness of Orlando, but I’ve had a change of heart in just a week.

Why?

Cause Mama got a FREE mini vaca!!!! WOOT WOOT!

Seems the MiL got a new timeshare at one of the ritziest places in all of the universes Orlando, and we got to come along for the ride. Saweeet!

We were planning on only visiting during the day. Then we decided at the last minute to stay one night.

Then Mama walked in the place.

And Mama decided to stay the WHOLE DAMN WEEKEND.

Holy SHIZ! Talk about resort living in luxury!

MiL got a two-bedroom suite w/ 2 balconies, full kitchen (totally went to waste, much like my own kitchen), two full fancy pants bathrooms, two king-size beds, and one whirlpool tub big enough to fit the five of us. And two of us ain’t what you’d consider “small persons.”

You can start your jealousy now. Cause I’m jealous of myself, and I was there.

Now I’m trying to figure out how to scam each of the timeshares around Orlando into letting us stay a night or two. If anyone has pointers on how to:

a) get access to the many resort pools in Orlando
OR
2) get a free night or two in any of the many resorts in Orlando

please contact me ASAP. I’m running short on nice weather around here. It’s about to turn hellish - as in, 95 degree heat with 99% humidity.

GINORMOUS (will someone tell spell-check this is a word) Bath Tub
GIRLS GONE WILD!

Swinging in the Pool

Girls in the Pool - If you’d like to start donating to this kid’s future orthodontic care, I’ll kiss you. On the lips.

Monkey See…

Water Baby

This pic is SOOC (”untouched by Photoshop” for those not INK (”in the know” for those OOTL (”out of the loop” for those not in my head))) For serious - BEAUTIFUL day.

Commence jealousy, sucka.

In doing extensive research on the subject of the once-fashionable jean shorts for my sister post to the too-short shorts, I discovered the term “Jorts.” Call me a girl on this one, but I’d like to compliment the creator of the term. You, my man, are da man.

Why, you ask, am I discussing the travesty fashion of the jean shorts?

It seems, my dear tens of readers, two of my cousins believe them to be acceptable attire in mixed company. For serious.

There are still people wearing the short jean. The Jort.

Who are these people and why do they still sport the Jort?

Two of these people are my cousin and my cousin’s husband. And they DEFEND their right to wear the jean short. They are PROUD of their jean shorts. They wear them in mixed company at times of sorrow, at times of joy, and at times of togetherness.

Anytime, my friend, is not the right time for the jean short.

They may convince themselves of the convenience or comfort or stylish looks of the Jort, but they need a visit from the Fashion Fairy and a healthy serving of knuckle sandwich.

Most Jorts wearers also don a Mullet (the hairdo, not the fish) as seen in the pictures available here. (My cousins may be the exception to the rule.)

Also perplexing is the propensity to TUCK in the printed t-shirt IN TO the Jorts all-pulled-together by a braided belt loosely knotted and flipped around (as cousin #1 exhibits).

The Jorts fashion is limited to the proud and true 50 States as I’ve never witnessed any other non-AmeriCAN in all of my 19 days of overseas travel donning the Jorts. If any of you exotics have spotted the Jorts in your local pub, be sure to snap a pic for posterity.

Even though I am a Florida native, I am NOT a Florida (UF) fan. (GO NOLES!) So imagine my elation when I discovered that UF fans actually LIKE wearing jean shorts and do it on purpose. How apropos that the the lowest of the low Floridiots would WANT to wear Jorts.

Lastly, I am inspired by the blog, Stuff White People Like, and I am going out of a limb and proclaim that black people DO NOT WEAR JORTS. None. Not one. This is a white boy phenomenon. I am challenging you, my tens of readers, to link to me a photo of a black man wearing Jorts.

Disclaimer: Jorts do not fall in the same definition as hip hop baggy man capris normally worn by young black men. Jorts are mainly stone- or acid-washed denim adorned with a belt and tucked-in shirt. I’m talking JORTS here, peeps.

Find me a black man in Jorts and you got yourself a $10 gift certificate to my store. (Limited to 2 gift certs in case I’m totally wrong in this.)

************************************

UPDATE:

Angela @ goinpopless is the 1st to submit a black man in Jorts:

Anyone else? 1 more gift certificate left!

Like I said yesterday, I could have a post a day about Floridiots.

Save the beer, spare the child.

I’m a native Floridian. Not born here, but moved to the state when I was 2, so I count as a native. Because I’m a native, I get to comment on the idiots, or Floridiots, around me. There’s never a shortage, and I could write a post a day about the loons in this state.

My first entry into the category of Floridiots is apropos for today, Super Tuesday, in many ways. Last Tuesday, Jan 29th, was our election day here in the hot as hell Sunshine state. If you’re at any way a Florida citizen, you should have been aware that our dumbass legislators decided on our behalf that they would move up our primaries despite the protest by the Democratic and Republican National Committees. It’s been all over the news that our vote doesn’t really count for this round. The point is, our vote was LAST Tuesday.

And that’s where the Floridiots raise their hands and expose themselves. According to OrlandoSentinel.com, hundreds of people have called their local elections office “wanting to know where they can vote today.” Ummm… Exsqueeze me? Just because it’s Super Tuesday, does not mean it’s YOUR day to vote. These Floridiots should not be allowed to vote.

Just for shits & giggles, this give you an idea of Florida and where I live. We live so close to this place, we hear the cars racing at night and can see the glow of the lights.

And, yes, his name is Raybo.