I need a new man in my life.

A man to laugh with me. A man to dine with me. A man to tell me when when my shirt just isn’t right with my jeans.

A man to watch Real Housewives and Project Runway with me. A man to make me pee my pants laughing which isn’t hard to do.

I need a gay man.

I once had a gay man for a few months. It was nice. He actually discovered he was gay during the 3 months we spent at Disney’s College Program way back in 1997. Disney has a way of bringing out the gay. I saw it happen to many “straight” boys that summer.

But we lost touch before there was the wide world of the internet’s social media.

I’ve kept my eyes pealed for years for a good gay man to catch my fancy. But that straight guy I keep around has been like a chastity belt on my reciprocating gaydar.

I don’t get out of the house much, and when I am, those kids who call me Mama aren’t usually allowed in to the gay bars where I could pick up my gay boyfriend.

So I beg of you, dear internets, gays, straights, and in-betweens. Where do I find my gay boyfriend? Are there any out there looking for a chubby 30-something wife and mother to be his rhymes-with-Gag-Jag?

Mama needs her a gay.

Note: I would also expand my acceptance to take on a lesbian, but I have to disclaim that I’m somewhat of a gay myself, so it might end up a romance.

I’m a people person. Meaning, I like people. MY people. I don’t really much care for those other people who are douchbag turdburglars.

I’m good to my friends. I like to make sure they’re happy as long as it doesn’t inconvenience me.

I want my friends to be happy. I’d like to be a matchmaker, but I don’t know many single people.

An internet friend/real friend just moved out on his own for the first time in his adult life as the start of his divorce. He doesn’t have children, and most people who read his blog didn’t even realize he was married when he announced his divorce.

Avitable is a man who needs a woman.

He may hole up in his house scheming his takeover of all things rude, crude, and generally inappropriate, but he needs a woman with whom to share that solitude.

He’s a manly girlie man with a rock heart of jello.

He’ll stick up for you and support you until his dying breath unless you touch his massive comic book collection.

He’ll take you to any of the best restaurants within a 20 mile radius of his house, but only if the other days of the week you cook for him or order in. He’s notsomuch a talent in the kitchen.

He’ll let you talk about your vag issues and even offer advice as he has a man pussy of his own.

This honorary girl is the bear man for you if you’re looking for a lover of the finer things in life: Star Wars, bad TV, and comic books.

Come on ladies. Your man is ready for you to do his laundry.

Submit your Lover Resume below.

It’s pretty much the second best feeling ever to become an aunt. I can imagine only becoming a grandmother could succeed it, but for now, and the next 20+ years, I won’t know that feeling. (I better not. *shifts strict mom eyes to little girls*)

Today, Valentine’s Day, I became an aunt to my first niece. Unfortunately, my sister-in-law lives 9 hours away, so visiting Ellie will have to wait until we take a road trip next month up to visit.

But, right here in my city, my childhood best friend had her baby yesterday. Austin was born at 9 lbs, 7 ounces with NO MEDS and NO ASSISTANCE other than major pushing & grunting & I’m sure major cursing. I’ll be snugging up on him this week which reminds me that I haven’t held a newborn baby since my nephew, Nolan, was born in Oct 08. That is FAR too long for my ovaries to NOT be next to an infant.

OK, so what if they both look like little aliens straight out of Mars Attacks!. Just you wait until they’re a week old and are almost the cutest kids on the internet. THEN you’ll be oooing and awwwing.