My imaginary IM bloggy friend, Amanda at Shamlessly Sassy, has demanded I answer her pressing question.

I sit here tired, weaning off meds (cause my friggin Dr. office won’t call me back), and busy beyond belief. (But I’m kind of glad to post tonight b/c my mom is here in town and won’t be reading my blog for a few days, so hopefully she won’t go back in the archives and find this.)

I wasn’t even planning on posting tonight. THAT’S how tired I am.

But NOOOOOO. Miss Sassy is stalking me, demanding/pleading/begging me to write about peni. The peen. The man stick. The love stick.

I am giving in. I will answer:

“New question: What do you think about penises? Have you ever been randomly flashed by a stranger? If there was a new handy computer tool called a penis, would you use it?” 

THINK about them? I try not to. I’m gay. My husband knows.

Randomly flashed? No, thank GOD.

New handy computer tool? Does it count as a computer if it runs on batteries? If so, then yes, I use it.

Happy now, Miss Sassy?

How about questions for YOU since you FORCED me to answer tonight - How much do you weigh? How much did you weigh when you graduated high school?

Personal enough for you?

I’ve decided to take a more conscious outlook on what I eat. NOT a diet, cause I’ll fail. NOT a “change of lifestyle” unless it means marrying a woman.

Just to be more conscious of what I eat and how much sugar goes into my back fat.

Speaking of back fat, it’s what made me start to realize what I’m inhaling eating.

When your back fat roll meets your boob under-crease, it’s a problem.

Sexy.

Like Lotus, I’m naming mine. But they’re staying anonymous. And there will be NO pictures. Please. Stop begging.

I’m not talking drastic measures like cutting out Kraft (KRAFT) Mayo and bread (cut out bread and i’m a crazier crazy person.

I’m just saying I’ll get the Iced Skinny Vanilla Latte instead of the Iced White Chocolate Mocha. Instead of the T6 combo of 2 Baja Steak Chalupas and soft chicken taco at Taco Bell, I’ll get the 3 soft chicken taco combo. I may still get the Mtn Dew, but I’ll really try to get the iced tea. At least it’s brewed there and not some crapass iced tea syrup drink. I’m southern. I likes my iced tea BREWED.

So, now that I’ve had my ONE, NOT TWO, Giada’s brownie topped with Nutella, chocolate chips, and hazelnuts, I’m drinking some water to wash it down.

See, it’s starting already.

Imagine two “healthy-sized” ladies in the same full-size bed. One pregnant.

Below was the summary of our sleeping situation in Charlotte (thanks to Picnik in Flickr).

Apparently, I snore.

Thursday 13 + 7

Continuing…

61. There’s always something else I should be doing. Always. Like now, I should be preparing orders for tomorrow’s shipment or folding laundry or doing dishes or sleeping.

62. My nickname in High School was Fro. See: The Hair

63. Is it me, or is the fact that a size 8 is considered “plus size” highly irrational?

64. I have bad skin. Like 14-year-old boy bad. Not the kind that scars my face for life, but it’s always been a problem. No, Proactiv didn’t help. No, spending $145 on Arbonne didn’t help. No, Neutrogena didn’t help. I’m now on a special antibiotic and zit cream to help. I’t snot It’s not really helping.

65. I got my husband to start a blog, but he’s not “blogging.” Argh. Why don’t people listen to me?

66. How AWESOME would it be if pot were legal?

67. I don’t get this new wave of “rock music” like Fall Out Boy, Good Charlotte, etc. I guess I’m now old.

68. I want to watch more movies, but that takes time and uninterrupted focus. See: blogging.

69. Perfumes and smells give me headaches. I’m getting older.

70. Most organized religions confuse me.

71. I love the way my girls smell, sans shitty diapers.

72. We owe $80k more on our house than for what we can sell it. See: Real Estate Bubble BURST

73. I just got a tax bill that will scare you out of your skivvies. Please, for the love of Oprah & the IRS, shop in my store.

74. I’m trying to become a better photographer like Secret Agent Mama. See: #61

75. I want desperately to donate to a charity, but there are SO many from which to choose. If I donate to one, the others get jealous. They all need my spare $12.

76. I’m lucky I didn’t get pregnant before I got married. But who isn’t, right Sluts? HIGH-FIVE!

77. I’ll consider myself lucky if I don’t get pregnant during the next 15 years of my fertile womanhood. That, and I’ll sue the urologist who performed HockeyMan’s vascectomy.

78. I’m addicted to sugar. I guess that’s better than heroin.

79. Apparently I’m a horrible snorer. Apparently I kept my mom, dad, and sister up for 2 nights before they bought me Breathe Right strips and a throat spray and it helped on night 3. Apparently HockeyMan sleeps right through the nightly nose symphony while he’s off in Ambienland.

80. I suffer from sporadic bouts of explosive diarrhea. Sexy, right?

Went shopping today.

With a 3 yo and a 2 yo.

Shopping for myself. In a lovely lady lumps big girl’s store.

Pretty successful considering.

Considering I had a 3 yo and a 2 yo with me.

Considering my shoulders are 5 yards wide.

Considering my fundage level is low.

And I look pretty damn cute in my new summer clothes.

Thursday 13 + 7

Continuing…

41. Stupid people really annoy me. Not people who don’t have the ability to learn, but the people who refuse to learn. Take, for example, family members who feed their babies an entire piece of chocolate cake. I’m no mother-of-the-year, but for Jeebus-sake, read a book and know you don’t feed babies chocolate.

42. I hate apathetic people. Get a backbone and take a side or have an opinion.

43. I wish I knew how to understand Spanish. It’d be nice to speak it, but I at least wanna know what the Spanish-speaking people at Wal-Mart are saying behind my back.

44. I wear a size 16. At Lane Bryant. Sometimes.

45. I like wearing silly shoes, but I need more confidence and money to wear them more.

46. I have NO concept of why baby and child beauty pageants exist. Wait - I do have a concept. Moms who enter their kids into the pageants are living vicariously through their children.

47. I’m not religious. I believe myself to be spiritual at times, but not religious. I’ve never been to a church of a regular basis, so when people discuss the Bible, I don’t get 95% of what they’re saying. I need to learn more not for the faith aspect, but for the history.

48. I have two nasty dogs. Well, 1 nasty dog and 1 who has to live with the nasty dog. Nasty as in she drinks her own pee. I’ll stop there.

49. Someday soon, I will get my fat-ass to do the splits.

50. I love being in water and swimming.

51. I was a lifeguard at a Girl Scout camp when I was 16. Every day I was terrified that I’d have to save someone. Luckily I didn’t.

52. I’ve never lost a swimming race. Especially against my sister’s one arm swimming technique.

53. I hate money. But only when I don’t have any.

54. I was intensely moved by seeing Spring Awakening on Broadway in February. If I could, I’d pay for all of my readers to go see it.

55. I have recently come to terms with myself and my body. I REFUSE to let my body stop me from doing anything.

56. I have my dream home pictured in my head, but it changes every time I watch House Hunters.

57. Forget #55. I wish I had nicer boobs. Not necessarily bigger but a nicer shape.

58. I love sauce. Marinara sauce, cheese sauce, honey mustard sauce, Ranch sauce, BBQ sauce, etc. WPAT & XBox - say no more…

59. I have a pointy nose. So does my mom. So does my sister.

60. “Crazy eyes” scare me.

I’ve admitted before, I have lovely lady lumps and I don’t mean my boobies. I mean the cheesy lumps on my arse and my thighs. Being that I am a plumpalicious girl, I am standing up and protecting my fellow larger ladies and the rest of the world.

How? By calling a moratorium on shorts that are wider than they are long.

Unless you are in the top .01% of the ladies in the U.S., YOUR SHORTS SHOULD BE LONGER THAN THEY ARE WIDE. If this ratio is on the negative side, DON’T SQUEEZE YOUR FAT ASS INTO THE SHORTS.

Just because some clothing store makes the clothes and you can pull up the screaming zipper, DO NOT buy the shorts.

Oh, sweet Jesus and Oprah. Here is my evidence from Old Navy:

Allowing Old Navy (and others) to sell shorts at a 4 1/2″ inseam in a size 6 or up should be criminal. Allowing us larger ladies think it is OK to leave the house, much less purchase, any shorts less than a 5″ inseam (and still you gotsta have some NICE legs to pull those off) is a travesty.

And who are they joking with this picture of the shorts with a space between the legs? No woman who is a size 14 or up has any space between her thighs. You nasty nasty marketing picture-taking people at Old Navy are trying to make us think that those shorts (with pleats btw) will allow our crotches to breathe.

Sorry, ladies, but wearing these shorts will only allow your ass to have a snack on some denim.

So, please. For the love of Jesus and Oprah. Stand UP and show your lovely legs! Just wear your shorts a little longer.

My new TITANIUM glasses. I’m too cool for school.

Yeah, so this whole “economy going downhill and we’re all gonna be destitute in 9.4 months” is kinda scary. Scary in a way that sucks. Scary in a way that makes me wanna do something.

I’m a business owner. I never really thought I’d say that, but I have to admit, I like saying it. I try my best to make my business a professional, customer-driven company. Staying alive in the upcoming (and current) downturn in the economy (stupid) is going to be VERY important to my sanity family.

I want to start a grass-roots campaign to help support small businesses such as my own. I want to feel love from my fellow online bloggy community. I don’t mean shop in my store and only my store and spend every last “extra” dollar you have on my website. I mean support the small business online and where you live.

The small businesses are what is going to keep our economy (stupid) from hitting the crapper. Trust me - WalMart, Target, and any other Big Box stores are NOT going to go under just because you stop buying every little thing you need from them just because you can save $1.45.

Small businesses, like mine and other mom-owned web stores, will suffer and be forced out of business without your help.

I guarandamntee you that you WILL find deals and competitively-priced products from small business. Try the sites. Spend a few extra minutes online and see what’s out there.

For my Thursday 13, I give you 13 of some GREAT online stores, all of which are run by moms. You never know what you might find!

1. Good for the Kids - My beloved online store. Of course I’d be first!

2. B3 Boutique - mom-owned

3. Scrapless Creations - mom-owned

4. Super Healthy Kids - mom-owned

5. Allison Strine Designs - mom-owned Etsy store

6. My Little Monkey Boutique - mom-owned

7. Three Chickadees - moms-owned

8. I Wanted to Wonder - mom/mom-owned

9. Red Thread Confections - mom-owned DELICIOUS gourmet chocolates

10. Emily Allyn - mom-owned

11. For the Monster - mom-owned cloth diaper store

12. Mom Spit - mom-owned - I use this stuff EVERY day

13. Tees for Change - mom-owned - I LOOOOOVE her “green” shirts

I URGE you to start shopping with us small guys. It’s not only economy-friendly, it’s eco-friendly! Really!

I’ll be listing more online small businesses in later posts, so please please please spread the word to shop online with other small businesses. Even if you don’t post about it, spend a few $$ and help everyone.

This kid’s hair is gonna be the death of me. BTW - whey the throw themselves on the floor crying, I take pictures.

This 3-year-old can do things with a computer that would frighten the CIA.

Riding around Target on a PlasmaCar. She was so good, I ordered one the next day.

HockeyMan liked it, too.

Hey, it’s me. Without makeup. With post-baby acne. Lucky me.