I’m done with my lady womb.

More done than I am with underboob sweat, and that’s a lot done.

I’m done having the babies to keep for myself and Patrick has been snipped up to keep the tadpoles from reaching through my cervix, so it’s time to take out the whole factory. What more does it do for me than cost money for feminine hygiene products while I ride horses and make me worry that I can’t wear white pants for 5 days a month?

Periods are stupid.

The every-28-day sloughing off the bloody innards of my Texas Longhorn is just another pain in my bagina, and I’m over it.

The obvious questions begs: If I elect to have my uterus removed, can I lay it out in a dehydrator and make it into a healthy Lady Jerky?

At the time I shat out my two babies, I was in the closet about all of this new-age/ancient ritual business that I could eat my own placenta for nutrients. I feel like I missed out on all of those important steps in the bonding experience with my discarded organ.

photo via inhabitots

According to one guy, placenta jerky tastes like “dry, gamy, bland jerky.” So pretty much like all gas station jerky, daddy?

Mayer takes a bit of dehydrated, cooked placenta she saved and ceremoniously places a portion in their open palms. The pieces are brown, shriveled, and brittle—like old shoe leather left out in the sun.

Because nothing is more ceremonious than eating your insides and offering it to your closest and dearest.

Placenta Brisket, anyone?

photo credit Kathryn Parker Almanas via NY Mag

I’m totally down for trying new foods. As long as it doesn’t rhyme with Picken on Chizza, let’s put it in my mouth! Saying that takes me back to my early teen years. Memories.

Or maybe a uterus Teddy Bear? We could trade it around the house to snuggle and keep us warm in our dreams. And if Uterus Teddy Bear got tired of hanging around here, we could send her on trips like Flat Stanley.

photo via inhabitots

Who wants Uterus Teddy Bear first?

At this point in my 35th year of life, having a Uterus Teddy Bear would be more beneficial to my life than the monthly hassle of shoving cotton swabs up my lady hole.

Or if anyone wants to rent out my space for 9 months, I’m totally open to growing your baby.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: being a woman, eating placenta, menstruation, placenta jerky, uterus teddy bear

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Yes, finally.

Yes, it took 3-1/2 years of his Presidency to say it.

Yes, he said made his proclamation the day after yet another state outlawed gay marriage.

Yes, it’s true that there may not be any major changes in our laws or national constitution because of his announcement.

Baby steps, friends.

But this isn’t just a baby step; this is a message to every gay, lesbian, trans, questioning person that the President is on our side.

Finally.

Though then-prospective candidate Barack Obama said back in the 90s that he did believe in marriage equality, it’s taken until today for him to solidify his belief that “gay and lesbian Americans should be treated fairly and equally.”

Unfortunately, too many people in this country believe that civil rights are up for a vote. They shouldn’t be. Every single person should be given the same rights as every other person by Constitutional law.

Until then, we’re taking baby steps and huge Presidential steps to where people are equal, no matter our beliefs or lifestyle or skin color.

I feel like making out with a girl to celebrate this day, and it would look something like this:

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 9 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: barack obama, gay is ok, gay marriage

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I’ve been outed as a smut book slut, and you guys are actually taking my advice on the books I suggest.

I’m basically your favorite online librarian for smut. I accept this as my calling.

Since I published my list of Sexy Books To Read a whole 6 days ago, I’ve read 5 more smutty books.

I know. I do obsession well.

Here’s a reminder of my very unscientific way to rate books (0 = none/I didn’t like; 5 = a lot/I like):

Sex Language: How much into detail do the descriptions of The Sex go?
Page Turn-ability: Can you put this down or do you need to stay up until 3am reading?
Asshole Factor: They all turn around at some point, but how much of an asshole is the dude before he turns? (The lower the score, the more likable he is.)
Lip-Biting: Overall, how much do I like the girl and want her happy? (The lower the score, the more of a whiney bitch I think she is.)
Series Hopeful: If this is the first book in a series, how badly do I want to read the follow-up books? If it’s a singular book with no promise of a series, it gets an automatic 0 because I love a series.

Slammed (Slammed Series #1) Overall: 4/5
Sex Language: 2/5 | Page Turn-ability: 5/5 | Asshole Factor: 2/5 | Lip-Biting: 2/5 | Series Hopeful: 5/5

I really liked this book as a romance story because of its uniqueness. The story itself is interesting and slightly unpredictable. Though this really doesn’t qualify as “smut” because it’s more “romance,” there are some scenes that throb with sexual tension.

Point of Retreat (Slammed Series #2) Overall: 4.5/5
Sex Language: 2/5 | Page Turn-ability: 5/5 | Asshole Factor: 2/5 | Lip-Biting: 2/5 | Series Hopeful: 0/5

This is the follow-up to Slammed, so if you buy one, you have to buy the other. And if you don’t like crying while you read, don’t read these books because I totally cried my eyes out for 1/3 of this one.

Initially, I wasn’t going to read these books because all of the descriptions talk of poetry and going to slam sessions, and me being the un-poetry girl I am, I didn’t want to read through lovey dovey crap. But there wasn’t a huge amount of poetry weaved through the books. The poetry was really just used as a way to make a point and enhance the story.

Rock Me Overall: 4.5/5
Sex Language: 5/5 | Page Turn-ability: 4/5 | Asshole Factor: 1/5 | Lip-Biting: 4/5 | Series Hopeful: 5/5

I read this book before I found out it was the 2nd in a series (the first is Unleashed, which I’ll be reading soon), but it’s not really that necessary to read them in order. The only thing I would have changed about this book is that the dude has a goatee, and I’m not a fan of facial hair I can’t see. I’d like to see the goatee before I put it on the character because how am I to know if it’s a 1/2-grown Ethan Hawke-type of beard or is it a hot n’sexy Colin Farrell-type of face stubble? If it’s not clear to me, I want it gone.

Caressa’s Knees (Comfort Series #2) Overall: 4/5
Sex Language: 5/5 | Page Turn-ability: 4/5 | Asshole Factor: 2/5 | Lip-Biting: 3/5 | Series Hopeful: 5/5

Though this is the 2nd in a trilogy, it’s not really necessary to read them in order. Granted, I just started the third book, but unless you care about keeping the inevitable ending a mystery, the first and second don’t need to be read in order. There is a LOT of sex talk. A LOT. This series is not for the faint of heart.

And thanks to Maria (Bored Mommy) for suggesting this series. She’s basically been my enabler for the last week.

Comfort Object (Comfort Series #1) Overall: 3/5
Sex Language: 8/5 | Page Turn-ability: 3/5 | Asshole Factor: 1/5 | Lip-Biting: 4/5 | Series Hopeful: 5/5

Holy. Crap. I seriously had a hard time getting through this book because of all the depravity. It was just… a lot.

But because I’m a glutton for punishment, I started reading the 3rd in the series, Odalisque, which doesn’t seem to be as much as the first book.

In the last post, I took your recommendations and picked out a few to read. Now I need more of your suggestions for must-read books to add to my Kindle. They don’t necessarily need to be of the romance genre or porny; I’m kind of getting tired of the virgin-taken-by-the-virile-sex-god thing (see: Fifty Shades of Grey).

I need you to give me genuine must-read book recommendations, pretty please with sugar on top.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 15 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: books to read, caressa's knees, comfort object, point of retreat, rock me, romance books, slammed, smut books

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We all know I’m not a small lady.

Or if this is your first time here, Hi! I’m not a small lady.

I’m not abnormally ginormous, but to say I’m a curvy, plus size lady is exactly accurate.

I love me some t-shirts. Living in Orlando will put anyone (who doesn’t wear modest clothing for religious purposes) in a state of frenzy for wearing clothes that keep you cool. From April through October, it’s balls hot here, and I hate it.

I know. I live here. You can tell me to shut up.

Because of my refusal (yes, I’m back to that) to wear anything without sleeves, I look for shirts that have sleeves. Working from home affords me the luxury of wearing any old thing I have lying around and not having to dress up for the boss.

Again, you can tell me to shut up.

Patrick sent me a link to this t-shirt today: R2D2 Love

Of course, because I’m currently in the market for a new Star Wars t-shirt to wear to Star Wars Weekends, I had to have it.

I went to check out to buy the shirt, and seeing the pretty lady in the picture wearing a woman’s shirt, I thought for a split second that, “Hey! These people have women’s shirts, too! I’ll get myself an actual women’s t-shirt to be all cute and stuff!”

And that split second of hope was dashed when I saw this at the checkout screen:

I am not a Juniors. To the best of my knowledge, most of the women I know aren’t “juniors” by way of default that they are women.

I don’t think this has to do with me having more cushion for the pushin’, but rather has to do with clothiers thinking that all women can, or should, fit into shirts designed for teenagers.

There are lots of non-plus size women who can fit into the junior-sized shirts, and I’m sure most of them feel proud to fit into something their 15-year-old daughter or coming-out son would wear.

But to not have the option for anyone over a size 14 to wear something that’s not “mens” or “unisex” frustrates me.

I still bought the shirt. Hell, I love the shirt.

I’m going to wear that Mens(Unisex) -XL R2D2-loving a trashcan shirt like the proud, plus-size, Nerd Mama that I am, and smile hugely when I get stopped no less than 20 times with compliments by the other Star Wars nerds at Star Wars Weekends.

Though, they’re probably just going to be staring at my plus-size boobs, and I’m OK with that.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 14 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: juniors, r2d2 shirt, ript apparel, star wars shirt, t-shirt, womens

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As a stay-at-home mom, I feel like I can speak for all other stay-at-home moms.

Just like I can speak for all other white, middle class, straight, married, 30-something, pudgy women of the world, I speak for stay-at-home moms.

Stay-at-home moms are a lazy group of needy bitches who feel entitled to put the title of “Household CEO” on our useless lives.

AMIRITE? *high 5*

Or do you have a problem with what I and 30% of other American mothers chose to do with our lives?

This looks like a good opportunity to start…THE MOMMY WARS!

Let’s put two pretty, highly politically-powered blond moms in a Media Ring of FIRE and let them duke it out. Where’s the mud and bikinis to throw on those bitches?!

Hilary Rosen said Ann Romney had “never worked a day in her life.”

Of course Ann Romney worked. She worked hard at not feeling guilty for having a stockpile of cash in her Bahamian bank account. She worked hard at sending her 5 boys to camp so she could have the days to herself to lunch with her lady friends. She worked hard at hiring nannies to watch her boys in the evening so she could attend a masked ball where an orgy probably broke out.

Or, she was and is just like any other stay-at-home mom and feels guilty for having the luxury of not putting her kids into daycare. Or, she was and is just like any other stay-at-home mom and chose what was best for herself and her family. Or, she was and is just like any other stay-at-home mom and, in this day and age, has to defend her choice to the country to not have an income.

Much like I speak for all stay-at-home moms, democratic strategist, Hliary Rosen, speaks for all Democrats when she misspoke and said Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, had “never worked a day in her life” and therefore didn’t earn the right to be an economic adviser.

Of course she didn’t misspeak as 90% of rational listeners realize. Of course she was putting down every stay-at-home mom who ever chose to life the life of leisure. Of course there’s no war on women in the news culture where women are pitted against one another, forced to defend their beliefs in a public forum. Of course because Hilary Rosen is gay she doesn’t understand the plight of the straight woman because she didn’t birth her own children.

Lesbian Dem Hilary Rosen tells Ann Romney she never worked a day in her life. Unlike Rosen, who had to adopt kids, Ann raised 5 of her own.

— Catholic League (@CatholicLeague) April 12, 2012

There’s no way a woman, especially a lesbo, who didn’t birth her own children could understand the work-life balance of straight women who pushed their babies through their love canals. Right?

I mean, what makes you a good mother? It’s clearly the ability to procreate with your legal husband through no intervention whatsoever then choose to forego any dream of having a career, contributing to your financial stability, and be a lazy stay-at-home mom.

I did those things, therefore I am a Good Mother. GO ME!

Except, all of this is ridiculous. It’s ridiculous to think that Hilary Rosen meant exactly those words that Ann Romney hadn’t “worked a day in her life.” In under 24 hours, the news cycle has rounded up every commentator to Speak For The Moms or Speak For The Democrats or Speak For The Republicans, taking sides on this made-up debate turning yet another soundbite into a full-on Mommy War.

Being a stay-at-home mom is not the debate. Treating women among women and women among men fairly is the debate.

Former First Lady and All-Around Butt Kicker Barbara Bush said it best:

Life is good. Women who stay home are wonderful, women who go to work are wonderful. Whatever.

image via ABC News

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 29 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: ann romney, hilary rosen, mommy wars, stay at home moms

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I’m late to jump on the Zac Efron-in-my-pants bandwagon.

When he was getting all popular on girls’ bedroom walls, I was busy going to graduate school then having babies. That doesn’t leave much time for swooning over teenage boys and their way-popular musical TV shows.

Plus, there was no such thing as social media back then, so stalking and lusting after the under-18-year-old sect was harder to do in secret like it is now.

Now that Mr Efron has matured into a very delicious 20-something-year-old, I’ve started to take notice.

And it’s not just his ripped abs, Happy Trail, tousled hair, and pleasing personality that I’ve noticed. It’s the way he’s accepted his celebrity as a positive role model for kids.

Modeling good self-pleasure techniques, Zac Efron holds his phone with one hand and puts his other hand in his pants.

Abstinence =  no babies, y’all!

Zac Efron shows kids that safe sex isn’t just for non-celebrities when a condom falls out of his pants pockets while walking the red carpet premiere of The Lorax.

Just like loving a man who cleans my toilet, I love a 20-something who packs a rubber for the premiere of his kiddie movie just in case.

Kids today need positive sexual role models, and we can no longer count on Snooki’s vagina to do all the teaching.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 8 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: hand pants, positive role model, zac efron, zac efron condom video

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Like the adage goes, when you’ve got it, flaunt it.

It’s how I feel about my hair, my fingernails, and just like pageant moms, using my children’s cuteness to validate my own self worth.

I have fabulous nails, but I hate to have them painted. When I have painted nails, it feels like a layer of astroturf is shellacked on top. The polish only lasts for a few days before it chips away, and then because of my lazy tendencies, I end up looking like a 1/2 dollar hooker with chipped nail polish. It’s much like my painted toe nails look right now: Hooker Chic.

Until Pinterest, I had no idea there was a movement of ladies using their fingernails as canvases for nail art. While I admire their creativity and dedication to their nails, it’s something I would never be able to keep for longer than an hour.

Thanks to the magic of computers, I’ve transformed my fingernails into artwork. Inspired by the many, MANY nail art pins on Pinterest, we can see what my fingernails would look like if I had the time, patience, talent, time, creativity, time, focus, time, and dedication to create art on my nails.

Maybe I can inspire some nail art with my original creations.

USA! USA! USA!

The French Rock God Manicure

The Angie (my personal favorite)

If someone does actually recreate The Angie on their nails, I’ll send you five whole dollars as a token of my appreciation.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 10 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: fingernail art, nail art inspiration, nail polish, pinterest

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I have learned more about women by spending time on Pinterest than I learned by being a women for the last 35-1/2 years.

Basically, this is another way for me to justify the time I spend on Pinterest as “work-related.”

1. Paint chip cards are a free craft material.
2. Lauren Conrad is a 20-something’s style icon.
3. Tiny animals are cutest in Mason jars.
4. Planning to organize is a chore unto itself on which to be commented that it will never get done.
5. Motivational quotes are a decorative focal point.
6. Some women think they can get a bodybuilder’s body with a “Simple 30-Minutes-A-Day!” workout.
7. Fingernails are an art canvas.
8. Entryways, mudrooms, and laundry rooms are the most-loved area of a house to decorate.
9. We all need to invest in Polyvore.
10. Women love long wavy hair tied up in socks.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 11 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: women love pinterest

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It was today while I was cleaning up that-time-of-the-month’s bathroom trash on which my wiener dog decided to make a meal that I remembered one of my most favorite lines from South Park.

I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die. – Mr Garrison, South Park

We women are gross, but my dog is grosser.

WAY grosser.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 9 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: being a woman, bleed for five days, doesn't die, south park

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Clearly, there is a reason we keep seeing much of the same kinds of movies being recognized at the Academy Awards.

The voting population of the Academy is 94% white, 77% male, and 62 is the average age.

In 84 years, only 4 women have been nominated for a best directing Oscar.

1 has won.

In 2011, only 5% of the top grossing films in Hollywood were directed by women. The number has decreased since 2008.

[Lina Wertmüller in 1976 for Seven Beauties, Jane Campion in 1993 for The Piano, Sofia Coppola in 2003 for Lost in Translation, Kathryn Bigelow in 2009 for The Hurt Locker]

By role, women accounted for 5 percent of directors, 14 percent of writers, 18 percent of executive producers, 25 percent of producers, 20 percent of editors, and 4 percent of cinematographers last year. – Women’s Media Center

Only 2 out of the 9 films nominated for Best Picture pass the Bechdel Test.

What is the Bechdel Test? A movie has to have all three of these happen in just ONE scene in the entire movie (not a high bar to reach):

1. It has to have at least two women in it,
2. Who talk to each other,
3. About something other than a man.

For more information on women in media, visit Women’s Media Center.

image via AMPAS

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: 2012 academy awards, bechdel test, movies, oscars, women directors, women in film, women in movies

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