Not everything you need to know to raise a child is in a book. Little nuggets of Awesome are discovered, most by accident, through the years as your seed grows into a Real Live Human! being.

Many of these nuggets are found by stumbling through actual poo, sleepless nights, and all-day crying fits where you’re found in the corner in the fetal position with mouth corners of chocolate and an empty bottle of Xanax, wine, and/or both.

Yeah, sure there are oodles of websites, blogs, and message boards *shudder* dedicated to passing along information “the books don’t tell you,” but there are just some things other mothers don’t think are important enough to pass along.

I’m here for you.

My goal in life, besides World Domination, is to Spread Awesome. You are so welcome. Part of my job in Spreading Awesome is to inform new parents, friends of people who are parents, and veteran child rearers of all they need to know.

Things like…

When you are kicked out of your comfy bed that you’ve spent many nights making just right with YOUR butt imprint in just the right place and has YOUR smell and has YOUR high thread count sheets, TAKE YOUR PILLOW WITH YOU TO YOUR KID’S BED. Taking YOUR pillow to the short person’s bed will trick your sleep-deprived mind into thinking you’re fast asleep in your comfy, smells-like-you bed and not on your kid’s faint-scent-of-pee, rock-hard mattress.

When you think it’s time to move your toddler to the Big Kid Bed, it’s too early. No matter when you think it’s time, it’s too early. WAIT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE TO MOVE THE KID TO THE BIG KID BED. If it means keeping the kid in the crib til she’s 5, do it. Safety note because I feel compelled to put it here so you don’t go blaming me in a lawsuit: If your kid can climb out of the crib, try a canopy net. If the canopy net doesn’t work, move the kid to a bid kid bed, but do it regretfully and sigh a lot. I’m not suggesting you go all bloody steak Joan Crawford and strap your kid to the bed, but if you leash your kid at the mall, I’m sure you’ve thought of recreating Mommie Dearest to keep kiddie dearest in bed. Whatever safely and morally works for you.

TEACH YOUR KID TO WATCH TV. Enough said.

NEVER EVER NEVER BUY CRAPASS CDS LIKE “KIDS BOP.” Any music sung by children should be saved for that child’s parent and should never ever never be recorded for purchase. If you want your kids to be exposed to good music like Kings of Leon Owl City, Kelly Clarkson, or even the made-for-commercial-sell-out Black Eyed Peas, please just play the music as it was originally intended. You’re welcome.

Please use these simple, helpful Nuggets of Parenting Awesome in your child rearing life. I’ve failed in 1-out-of-4 times, so having a 75% success rate in my own parenting class, I’m giving myself a pass for my one fail.

I need some more tips no one else told you about that you had to find out on your own as you stumble through parenting. TELL ME, DEAR INTERNETS. What more do we need to know?

Forgive me, for I am a bit emo today.

My sister is taking my nephew 104 miles (I google-mapped that shit) away from me. That’s 90 miles farther away from me than he’s been his whole life.

16 months of having Nolan 30 minutes from me.

Now, I’ll actually have to plan to go see him.

No, “Dinner at Toojay’s tonight,” or “Meet us at the park,” or “Funny seeing you here at Target/Best Buy/Buffalo Wild Wings/the mall.” (It’s freaky how many time, out of the 20,000 people that live in the radius between us, that we just happen to be at the same place at the same time so many times.)

We’ll actually have to plan to take a day trip to see the Best Toddler Baby Jeebus and Oprah Ever Created.

Yes, he’s a better toddler than my own kids.

No, I didn’t say cuter, because as you know, I have the cutest kids on the planet.

bygones

I’ll miss my NoNo.

But I think Claire will miss him most.

I grew up in a time where there was no DVR *gasp* and we only had 2 TVs in the whole house *gasp*. One TV in the family room, and one TV in my parent’s bedroom. We lived like that for 18 years until I bought my own TV. Tough times, I know.

Kids nowadays have at least 4 TVs in the house, at least one DVR, and several DVD players. (Where I say “kids nowadays” I mean my spoiled kids.) When my girls are home all day for a vacation or just me & Claire on a Friday, they aren’t stuck watching my shows.

They are lucky lucky bastards.

OK, so not really bastards cause they have a daddy.

But still, they’re friggin lucky.

They have DVRd Yo Gabba Gabbas, DVDs of Elmo, and a whole TV tuned into Nick Jr 24/7.

And? AND? I just took a break from writing this post (really, just now) to BUY a friggin “Martha Speaks” episode for MY iPhone for THEM to watch.

Spoiled.

Also, lame.

Which, brings me back to how lame it is that my kids don’t have to sit through the shows I had to sit through as a kid.

Quality shows like “All My Children” and “Guiding Light” (RIP).

My mother was addicted. In fact, until about 6 months ago, she would DVR every single episode of “One Life to Live” and “Guiding Light” and watch every single minute.

Which brings me to these days where I don’t watch soaps.

Also, I lied.

I watch one: “All My Children.”

I mean, it’s on. I don’t watch-watch it. I don’t DVR it. I don’t rewind unless it’s important.

But my kids will never have to suffer through know about Erica Kane and her 11 husbands, how Greenlee came back from the dead, how Tad Martin is everybody’s dad, what really happened to Dixie, how the TV world still mourns Stuart’s passing, and wonder just why Ryan had sex with Erica. I mean, ew. That’s just… ew.

Are my kids ever going to understand the complexities of Pine Valley and how people come back from the dead at least twice or how marriages never last or how DNA tests can be bought off?

I can only feel sorry for them and their lack of soap opera knowledge.