Earlier this week, my mind went blank for the 157th 1st time this week, so I asked my tens of readers for questions for me to answer. Here are the almost honest answers:

1.  VDog asked, “Do you really think you’re a yuppie??”
a: No. A yuppie is considered to have money. I don’t have any. Well, not enough.

2. Cyndi asked, “How about your own spin on “Half-Nekkid Thursday”…..like “Half-Nekkid EVERYDAY”???”
a: What the heck is “Half-Nekkid Thursday”? If it means I have to be 1/2 naked, then I don’t believe in it. It should be outlawed. If it means any of my Laminated List mens or womens are 1/2 naked, then YES! Absolutely! I think it should be a law inacted! Much more important than universal healthcare or equal rights!

3. Light asked, “What made you start this blog?  Any blog tips?”
a: I started this blog after being inspired by (my now friend) Dawn at Because I Said So. I know I’ll never be the blogger amongst bloggers she’s become, and that’s not my intention, but I liked having a forum for attention connecting with people.
I don’t have blog tips except make it pretty or interesting-looking. And be funny. And write with proper-ish grammar.

How many licks does it take to get the center of tootsie roll pop?
I’ve always heard three. I’ll go with that.

Did you watch Big Brother?  Your thoughts on the finale?
Did I watch BB??? That’s like asking Dick Cheney if he’s the devil! Of course - I am a BB whore! Short of buying the online 24/7 feed, I watch EVERY friggin show. Finale? Sucks major shitballs. Adam is a creepo, but better than Natalie winning.

4.  Hockeyman asked, “How about why Hockeyman is the greatest person in the world after you get past all the people who actually do something aside from planting on the couch to watch sports on TV?”
I married you. If that doesn’t serve your purpose on feeling like the greatest man in the world, you need some serious medical intervention. You hit the marriage jackpot, sucka.

5. Angie’s Favorite Sister asked, “How about a post about how excited you are to be an aunt for the first time?  Geeze…  Can a pregnant girl get a little love around here?”
I’m crazy-excited to be an aunt!!! The kibosh was put on me to stay quiet for so long about you being knocked up, I forgot I could talk about it. Send me some friggin belly pics, and I’ll put them up.

6. Jess asked, “Maybe you could write about how to really get into the blogger world and have blogger friends because I just can’t seem to get with it or, I’m doing it all wrong?”
#1 advice - comment comment comment on other’s blogs. #2 advice - reply to your commentors. #3 advice - chat on IM with people you find interesting. #4 advice - LEAVE YOUR LINK IN YOUR COMMENTS! I couldn’t link back to your blog b/c the address you left in your comments wasn’t valid. I’m not really one for advice b/c I only have 10s of loyal readers whom I LOVE.

7. PG asked, “What’s better and why… Monkeys or Giraffes?”
Very simple answer: monkeys. Looking past the fact that monkeys eat their own poo and pick their buttholes, monkeys are funny. Or maybe that’s why they are funny.
Monkeys are cute. I can call my kids a monkey for being silly. Who calls their kid a giraffe? “That was so long-necked of you, Johnny! You really stretched out there to get that leaf off the tree, you little giraffe!” Doesn’t happen.

8. Little Miss Sunshine State asked, “How about a little LOVE STORY? How and why did you and Hockeyman meet and fall in love?”
He was cute. I was cute. He was horny. I was horny. We were 18. We worked together. We hooked up. He saved me. I saved him.

9. justmylife asked, “What did you eat at Chik-fil-A?”
Spicy Chicken Wrap w/ fries dipped in mayo and ketchup with unsweet tea

10. Carolyn B. asked, “You could try one of the blog projects out there, like http://www.x365.org/”
I can’t stick with anything that requires me to be responsible to anyone else. Except raise kids, and the jury’s still out on that.

11. Dark room asked, “I love your template! One of my favorite colour combinations.”
Not a question, but I always take compliments from exotics who over-use “u” in words. I love Canadians and Europeans! You guys are so cute; I just want to put you in my pocket and dance! Thanks!

12. Kim asked, “a picture of your workstation at home. a picture of your favorite flip flops.”
Ha - workstation? I sit on a recliner with my wiener next to me and my compy on my lap. Next to me is piles o’paperwork and toys and old drink cups.

Don’t mind the kids’ legs on the couch. She’s been given vodka to sleeeeeeep…..

Flip flops - I haven’t been able to wear traditional flip flops since I broke my foot in a very tragic, mentally-scaring incident a year and a half ago. All of my flip flops have to have an arch. But these are my favorites.

Pile from which the shoes were picked:

13. XBox4NappyRash asked, “Tell us how much you have in the bank.”
I’m so sorry you weren’t more specific on that question. I really would have told you, but since I have about 5 bank accounts under 3 names, I’m not so sure to which bank account you are referring. So, so sorry. Try being more specific next time, loser.

Since it’s Thursday Thirteen, I’m limited to only 13 questions today. I don’t follow rules.

Have a question you need answered? Keep asking - I’ll answer all of my fan’s deepest, darkest inquiries in the next day or five.

Bronson & Steph - quit lurking. I know you’re there. Stalkers.

Yeah, yeah. I know every good hosewife housewife needs to cook for her man, but this ain’t no normal housewife you’ve got here. I’m the WORST housewife. I don’t clean (lucky to have a housecleaner - notsomuch a maid), I barely do laundry (see sidebar to your left), and I don’t cook (drive to the restaurant and pay).

So the mere fact that we’ve eaten at home more than we’ve eaten out for the last two weeks (this past weekend is not counted - parents in town - dad pay$), is a sign of the apocalypse. Or that “A New Earth” reading is working. Or some screw is looser in my head. Or I’m growing up. *shivers* Or there’s a little lady who lives inside my head who has taken over. We’ll call her Mitchell II.

I’m putting my money on Mitchell II.

Hold your panties. I’ll explain Mitchell and Mitchell II in another post.

Today at Super Target, I actually stocked up on some groceries. Yup. Real food. Real food like hot dogs and shredded cheese.

And what can you make with hot dogs and shredded cheese?

Hot dogs and REAL FRIGGIN mac n’ cheese.

Not the blue box - real friggin mac n’ cheese.

The kind with organic (trying to buy all organic, but don’t mess with my Kraft Real Mayo bitches) macaroni and 63.7 pounds of shredded cheddar. LOTS of cheddar.

Recipe:
1 bag o’ organic elbow macaroni
63.7 pounds o’ real shredded cheddar cheese (not the veggie cheese crud)
1 slab pat o’ butter

1. boil bag o’ mac
2. drain
3. dump in 62.7 pounds o’ cheese and slab pat o’ butter
4. mix
5. load yummy goodness into pan as Trouble screams, “it’s too much!” and realize you have a small pan which any 2-year-old would know
6. sprinkle w/ 1 pound o’ cheeese
7. pop in broiler (who knew we had one!) and watch like a sniper to make sure it doesn’t over broil or whatever it does in there
8. INHALE

9. Feel your thighs expand

Props to Secret Agent Mama for theming me for this post. Nice to chat again, woman. I actually thought of you and your photo-taking skillz when I took that pic. And recognized my lack o’ skills.

Happy Birthday today to my sister, Jackoff Jackass Jack-O-Lantern BitchBitchBitchDetermined Jackie! You’re 30!!! That means you’re O.L.D. like me.

This month, actually this week, I have FOUR birthday presents to buy. Not just kiddo birthdays - adult birthdays.

I can’t just go out and buy the latest and greatest cheap plastic lead-paint-ridden toy for a 3-year-old. I have to actually THINK about what to get them.

That’s where you, my loyal tens of readers, come in. What should I get them for their birthdays? HELP!

Jackie - my sister - turning 30 today. She enjoys wine, crappy TV, wine, working out eating, wine, buying expensive purses, and wine.

Ma - my mother - turning 58 on Saturday. She enjoys wine, her grandchildren, wine, golf, wine, and reading catalogs.

Sorry, wrong picture.

Harlot* - skank friend - turned 30 March - She has crabs. She enjoys wine, her son, wine, kvetching, wine, and eating chips & queso.

Wannaseemyunderwear?* - skank friend - turning 28 this week (damn - I don’t know the exact date. Some friend I am…) - Skinny Bitch. She enjoys alcohol, playing Wii, alcohol, reading, alcohol, showing her boobs & her underwear, and alcohol.

*Some names have been changed to protect the innocent and their jobs.

Because of the number of fellow lay-dayz (HOLLA!) who want to join me and JackAss JackOff Jacquisha my only favorite sister in our old age, I’m accepting some suggestions for our future life. Good ideas can join us. Bad idea, find someone else to bother.

So far, here are some great suggestions for our future agoraphobic life:

Alcohol, and LOTS of it, suggested by MammaLoves.

BonBons - Hello? Why didn’t I think of that the first time around? VDog, you’re in.

HOUSECOAT! Wear it, and you’re in, Mommy Always Wins.

Bitching, or as Senora Patron said, a “bunch of vindictive women picking on unsuspecting and naive menfolk.”

So now I’ve decided to create a commune. Women and gay men only. You are MORE than welcomed to join as long as you have ideas on how to make our community a better place. Or, if you want to clean our house, you can come along.

When we’re old and gray and HockyMan has left and gone to Hoky Hockey Heaven and FratBoy has gone to Frat Heaven, my sister and I have decided our future together.

I lurve my sister.

We will be agoraphobic.

We will be hoarders.

We will watch We/Oxygen/Lifetime/TLC and shitty reality TV 24/7.

We will eat constantly.

We will have a gaggle of Chihuahuas and dress them up.

We will decorate with Chihuahua art.

We will not allow anyone into our C.H.A.O.S.

If you can live with that, you can join us.

Our dishwasher is broken. ~Insert heart attack here.~ It won’t drain, and seeing as though I didn’t marry a handyman, it’s been broken for a while. I can’t count the weeks we were gone for the holiday, so I’ll say it’s been broken for 2 weeks.

Remember - I am close to being the worst housewife ever, so dishes really isn’t my thing. Laundry, dusting, vacuuming, and picking up really isn’t either, but that’s neither here nor there.

But, now that the dishwasher is broken, I have found something out that I didn’t know about myself.

I like washing dishes.

I will never say that again, and if you ask me, I’ll deny it. Waterboard me. Pull out my nails with pliers. Make me watch John Basedow commercials for 24 hours straight. I’LL DENY IT.

I have some sort of satisfaction out of washing the dishes myself, rinsing them, and seeing them come out clean.

How weird am I?

Someone help!

In the meantime, check out my latest post at Mamas Like.

I feel like I need to do more.

I need to read more.

I need to blog more.

I need to speak out more.

I need to take more pictures.

I need to clean more.

I need to move more.

I need to know more.

I need to study more.

I need to practice more patience.

I need to be funny more.

I need to see my friends more.

I need to think more.

I need to be still more.

Starting today, I will blog more. I think it helps my brain realize what’s going on in my brain. Unfortunately, it also lets everyone around me know what’s going on, and I get a little uncomfortable knowing that.

So, I will be funny more.

Here are my solutions to the needs above:

I feel like I need to do more. What? You mean more than raise two toddlers, run an online store, and serve as a sucky housewife? What more do you WANT from me? Oh. You want to EAT, too? Bah.

I need to read more. I said earlier that I was going to finish reading Water for Elephants. So what if I haven’t touched it in the 2 days I’ve had it on my end table.

I need to blog more. Like more than 2 times a week.

I need to speak out more. You might get sick of my politicking in the next few months. But, people, this country needs help. That, or I’m moving to Canada. For now, I’ll stay silent.

I need to take more pictures. 10,000 isn’t enough.

I need to clean more. Worst. Housewife. Ever. Well, maybe not worst. I’m not a bonafide hoarder yet.

I need to move more. At least get off my recliner.

I need to know more. Right now, just knowing what Britney’s doing today on TMZ will have to count for knowledge.

I need to study more. My girls’ pediatrician today suggested some books on handling “strong-willed” children. They’re on their way from Amazon.

I need to practice more patience. See above.

I need to be funny more. See above.

I need to see my friends more. I realize just how lucky I am to have the skanks friends I have. Hi Steph!

I need to think more. I’m blond. I get a pass every now and then.

I need to be still more. Ohmmmmmm……

I knew it wouldn’t last. You can’t count on me to sign up for something and then follow through. No, I did not keep up on my part of the agreement to post every day in November. I have had several things in my way.

I could…

blame it on the rain

call in sick

blame it on fighting kids (no, those aren’t mine, but might as well be)

working too much

Anyhoo - I posted today on Mamas Like. Ch-ch-ch-ch-check-check-it-out.

I’ve done done enuf writin’ four 2day.

Chek whut I’ve dun did here: Mamas Like

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Damn commitment.

I signed up to be a part of NaBloPoMo, and darnit if I don’t forget on the 2nd day after I sign up that I MUST do a post. And I was all ready to lie down in bed.

Fine. Here’s my post.

Mlah. Humph. Tthhhhh.

So there.

BTW - the weather here in Florida couldn’t be any better. Friggin 72 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. It’s been that way for a week and will stay that way for another month or so. Yes, you can be jealous.

Come April when it’s 90 and you’re still in the 70s, you can “so there” me back.

I didn’t do a post at my other blog, Mamas Like, either, so don’t reverse psychology go check it out. Unless Dawn posted, and you really want to read what she has to say.

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