This is totally and completely NOT an “I love my husband and he rules everything in the universe so suckit!” post. It’s more of a “this will be BlogHer through his eyes” post. Also, YAY! Patrick’s going to NYC!

It’s a wonder Patrick even had the balls to ask me out in the first place way back in 1995.

He’s MEGA shy.

Like, the opposite of me.

I’m not shy.

OK, I can be shy, but I’m not afraid to talk to people. I’m the one to do the talking in public for us as a couple. At a customer service counter, I’m the one to speak for the group. At dinner, I’m the one to tell the server we need separate checks. I’m the one to make everyone else blush while I make dirty jokes to the cute waiter.

Patrick speaks only when spoken to. (His choice; not by my order.)

I wouldn’t bet on him approaching you at BlogHer to introduce himself. I wouldn’t bet on him to even go up to you AFTER you’ve met and if he KNOWS you.

He won’t want to “bother” you.

He’s so cute.

I want you to love him like I love him. *ahem*

I know you will.

Just please, if you see him all aloof in the corner, go up to him, smack his cute ass, and make him laugh. He has an amazing, infectious laugh.

Can you do that for me so I can watch him squirm a bit and make friends?

Today is my fine ass husband‘s birthday. He doesn’t believe he’s fine, which is good for me because he doesn’t have the self-awareness to leave me for someone hotter. WIN for me!

Anyhooters, he made a list of 34 things about himself, but only one tiny smidge of the list was about me. bygones

So, to one-up him, I’m writing a list of 34 things I love about him. DON’T LEAVE. You won’t puke from the sappy-ness.

And don’t you want to know about that picture*?

1. great ass
2. great smile
3. magic fingers
4. EP (earning potential)
5. passionate about his teams
6. best father EVER in the history of EVER
7. fills up my soap dispenser
8. buys me nice things
9. funny
10. makes grocery lists
11. goes to buy groceries
12. makes yummy Sex Sauce**
13. went to prom with a stripper while his mom babysat his date’s daughter (see photo)
14. makes me go on trips
15. comes with me on trips
16. ignores bill collectors with me
17. realizes my mom is in charge
18. doesn’t fight with my mom
19. can throw the remote across the couch right into my hand
20. hands over the remote
21. yells REALLY loudly when his team scores
22. brings me water and always asks if I want ice
23. don’t make me feel bad for being lazy
24. is lazy himself
25. remembers to take out the garbage at least once a week
26. plays only one sport at a time so he can have more time at home
27. is good at every friggin sport he plays
28. appreciates a good fart
29. laughs when I call him an ass
30. realizes I love my TV
31. doesn’t want more kids and made sure of that
32. takes extra super good care of me when I’m injured and/or sick
33. laughs at me when I make a fool of myself
34. great ass

Now. Wish him a happy 34th birthday.

DO IT.

*True Story: I couldn’t find this picture on my computer or blog, so I Googled images for {patrick prom}. THIS IS THE FIRST PICTURE. I love the internets.

**it’s a real thing. yummy on fries, chicken, burgers, etc.

I am a horrible gift-giver.

Just as horrible as deez lipz. —->

We’ve already established how it’s hit-or-miss with Patrick‘s gift-giving abilities. (note: his most recent gift was a WIN of magical proportions, so he gets a pass for at least the next 6 months.)

So this time of year when Father’s Day comes around the same week as his birthday (thanks, Calendar Gods #not), I kind of scramble for what to get him. Seeing as I have maybe one of the worst memories ever on record, I have no clue what I did or did not give him for the last year or any years before.

I’m sure one year I gave him a car. Or a computer. Or an extra fancy watch. Or a life-size poster of Scarlett Johansson. Or a KITTEH! but we don’t have a cat, so it either died or the KITTEH was part of a dream in my lifelong dream sequence of all things horrible related to me being late to everything and then having to float-fly to where I need to be.

Whatever they were, the gifts were Awesome.

But probably not.

Like I probably gave him a Coupon Book O’ Love filled with crap I’ll never do. Sorry, dude. I’m never “submitting to your immediate leather/foot/food/dwarf/furrie/worm-crushing/stiletto/scat/horse/Donkey Show whim” without at least a day-and-a-half’s warning. Don’t even think of handing me a ticket for “oral pleasure without having to reciprocate or clean up after.” Those little paper slips I made were just for show and not for reals.

This year, he’s getting something that I want for him. It’s also something he can totally return or give back or send to someone else.

THAT is the sign of a good gift: one that is returnable and/or re-giftable.

Also, one that counts for multiple gift-required days.

Sir, you can blame your mother for getting herself knocked up back in September 1975 then to have her give birth 2 weeks early thus forever having your birthday fall during the week of your Father’s Day.

Either way, I win everything because my forever gift to you are these spawn: