These pics were never meant to be saved beyond the date they were taken. However, through the magic of technology, nothing can be deleted.

These pics of my embarrassing husband were taken for an Xmas joke for our friends. One of the copies sits upon our friend’s TV.

I don’t have a copy on my TV for obvious reasons, but now the pics are available for all to see this FOOL.

I know, I know… I married him.

I’ve admitted before, I have lovely lady lumps and I don’t mean my boobies. I mean the cheesy lumps on my arse and my thighs. Being that I am a plumpalicious girl, I am standing up and protecting my fellow larger ladies and the rest of the world.

How? By calling a moratorium on shorts that are wider than they are long.

Unless you are in the top .01% of the ladies in the U.S., YOUR SHORTS SHOULD BE LONGER THAN THEY ARE WIDE. If this ratio is on the negative side, DON’T SQUEEZE YOUR FAT ASS INTO THE SHORTS.

Just because some clothing store makes the clothes and you can pull up the screaming zipper, DO NOT buy the shorts.

Oh, sweet Jesus and Oprah. Here is my evidence from Old Navy:

Allowing Old Navy (and others) to sell shorts at a 4 1/2″ inseam in a size 6 or up should be criminal. Allowing us larger ladies think it is OK to leave the house, much less purchase, any shorts less than a 5″ inseam (and still you gotsta have some NICE legs to pull those off) is a travesty.

And who are they joking with this picture of the shorts with a space between the legs? No woman who is a size 14 or up has any space between her thighs. You nasty nasty marketing picture-taking people at Old Navy are trying to make us think that those shorts (with pleats btw) will allow our crotches to breathe.

Sorry, ladies, but wearing these shorts will only allow your ass to have a snack on some denim.

So, please. For the love of Jesus and Oprah. Stand UP and show your lovely legs! Just wear your shorts a little longer.

She’s way too cool to be me. Or I’m not cool enough to be her.

Either way, it was fanfriggintabulous to meet her and the other local bloggers last night.

Orlando was lucky enough to be on Bossy’s crazy-ass road trip, so I begged and pleaded signed up to meet her so that some of her coolness would rub off on me.

She’s totally cool in that way that she has no idea that she’s cool. And that’s what is so cool. (No, I’m not 12.)

To be honest, I was crazy a bit nervous to go and almost didn’t, but I’m so glad I put my big girl granny panties on and went.

Why be scared? Cause that guy would be there. But now that I’ve met him and his way-cool (again, not 12) hot-ass wife and I’ve been to his way-cool house, I have a strange bloggy crush on him.

Also at the swinger swinging party was this guy, this girl, her, that lady, and she was (don’t have a link yet).

Moral of this story: GO MEET BOSSY when she comes to your town. She’s only 4/5 days into her trip, so most of you still have the chance to meet her.

About meeting Bossy, I was asked if she farted unicorns and if she just stepped out of an Urban Outfitters catalog. I say yes to both, but she would probably ask what UO was cause she’s that cool. And since I sat next to her at dinner, I did smell those sweet smelling unicorn farts, and I’m now filled with glitter and sunshine.

Like I said in yesterday’s post, Bossy is bar-none the BESTEST hugger in the universe. For serious. (Again, I’m 31.)

One of the many questions I asked Bossy is why she never smiles in pictures, and she said she’s smiling on the inside. I also asked how she came about the name “Bossy,” but that’s a trade secret that is locked in the vault. And only I know…

Note: I was trying SO hard to unobtrusive with a flash, so I tried to be all Bossy-cool and take pics w/o a flash. What does that get me? Fuzzy pics.

Bossy - Maggie - Karl

Bossy takes lots of pictures

Hot-Ass Wife Avitable - Avitable

Ya… About That - Little Miss Sunshine State - Miss Britt

Look! Bossy’s newish computer!

And one more time, Me with Bossy
I got her to smile. It’s my charm. Or my cool new glasses.

This is purposely short. Cause I am tired.

But I’m on a natural HIGH from meeting a bloggy idol.

Little-known Bossy fact - Bossy is an amazing hugger. Two of the best hugs I’ve ever had. For serious.

More about the night to come when I’m awake.

Me and Bossy (she’s the purty one on the right)

Bossy snuggled me. I liked it.

Bossy’s hand next to my hand. F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

I’m whining. Not complaining. Whining.

Kids get Spring Breaks, Christmas Winter Breaks, Summer, Labor Day, Memorial Day, Arbor Day, Fall Break, Groundhog Day, and We Think There May Be a Heavy Rain Day.

Where’s MY break?

Way back 1000 4 years ago when I was a teacher w/o kids, days off of school were fodder for teasing any and all non-teacher I knew. “Nannynannybooboo! I have a day off and youuuu dooon’t!” Yes, I actually say that. Yes, I’m 31.

And then, I just HAD to have a kid. I mean two.

And now I don’t get no satisfaction vacation.

As my BFF’s ex-husband says, “What goes around, comes around.” He also said, “Just breath,” so I’m not sure if he’s the best person to listen to when it comes to advice and quips.

Now, all you people without blood/life-suckers hangers-on kids, you can now commence teasing that I get no bacation vacation.

You’ll get yours, sucka.

As for you homeschoolers who have your kids 24/7/365.25. You are saints. Or crazy. Either one.

Thursday Thirteen + 7

100 Things: #21-40 Click for #s 1-20

21. I ABHORE chicken on pizza. Blech… I can’t even think about it w/o getting shivers. Add BBQ sauce to it - disGUSting.

22. I love BBQ. Good BBQ. Any BBQ. Just don’t put it on pizza. Just wrong.

23. In my adult life, I once weighed 123 pounds. That’s just funny.

24. I’m a Democrat, but I can’t decide between Clinton and Obama. I’ll let em fight it out or join up.

25. I see evil in Dick Cheney’s eyes.

26. I feel that I have a sense of people. (see #25)

27. I can pick people out with “crazy eyes.” And stay away from them.

28. I hate beer. All beer. I’ve tried. Really hard. Can’t do it.

29. I am a mashed potato connoisseur. Homemade (best - not mine), Idaho potatoes (not red), no gravy. DEEEEELISH. Send me your mashed potatoes, and I’ll give you a thumbs up or a thumbs way up. I’ve never met a mashed potato I haven’t liked. Unless you count the mashed glop that can happen w/o proper cooking temperature. Mom…

30. I will never be a skin model. I suffer with the oh-so-lucky affliction of acne. I love having the skin of a 14-year-old boy. Fun.

31. I know that in my future I will be a lottery winner. I don’t play, but I have a feeling I WILL win. That’ll show you.

32. I could eat Taco Bell every day. I know it’s disgusting. I’ve read the first few chapters of Fast Food Nation. But man, they’ve got a hold on me.

33. I take Zoloft. You do want me out of the looney bin, right? I’m discovering this is a family-wide issue. Good luck kids!

34. I make a MEAN meatloaf sandwich.

35. The older I get, the more I like vinegar. Malt vinegar. Balsamic vinegar. Red wine vinegar. I’m hungry.

36. I haven’t met a fresh baked good that I haven’t liked.

37. I’m overweight. (see #36)

38. I get excited when I see I have post comments. I feel the love.

39. I’ve been making bloggy friends and chatting online (hi Dawn, Dawn, Mishi, Kim, V, & XBox!)

40. The tiny brain behind XBox4NappyRash is my husband’s long lost twin. I’m sure of it. It’s creepy.

Egg Hunting with Daddy

People people people…

You’re ROCKING the Lotus Rack all around the internets! Brava!!!! Keep it up!

Just for a show of solidarity and lovin’ to my girl, Lotus (Sarcastic Mom), I’m now expanding the products in my store for which I will be donating a percentage of sales!

It’s not just stuff you can suck or stuff anymore - it’s toys, too!

Go to Good for the Kids, buy buy buy, and enter code “lotusrocks” in the coupon code box upon checkout. 20% of the purchase price of the items you buy that you can suck on*, stuff, or play with will go DIRECTLY to Ms. Lotus and her new MOVE! Don’t forget - she has MOUNDS of medical bills to catch up on, too.

In all, there are many ways to donate to Lotus and little man Braden:

1. Purchase at Good for the Kids (see above) through March 30th

2. Send in a gift card in any amount you’d like to a store she could use (Victoria’s Secret can count, too):
Lotus Carroll
c/o Angie Lynch
3564 Avalon Park Blvd East
Suite 1 #120
Orlando FL 32828

3. Donate via PayPal. Lotus has a link from her site directly to her PayPal acct for donations.

Donators will be posted on the Peeps Who Love Lotus page here. Let me know when you donate, and I’ll add you name. I’m sure you won’t be scamming us… I’m sure… Right???

Keep on rockin’ the rack and rockin’ the horns pics! Every little bit of info spread around helps! Comment here when you’ve posted the rack or horns banners, pretty please.

Gooooooooooo bloggers! (That’s my attempt at a pep talk.)

*Sorry, Nuby replacements and cups can’t count. Bah…

I’m about 94 posts past due for this one, but better late than never. And since I don’t have the attention span to 1: write 100 things in one sitting, and 2: read someone else’s 100 things in one sitting, I’m spreading this out. I started a list a LONG time ago, but since I never end what I start, I’m starting over.

So, for starters, here’s 1-20:

1. I’m blond. But not stupid.

2. I have two girls, The Boss & Trouble, whom I photograph and post about regularly.

3. I’ve been married for 10 years this September. That’s 8 years too long.

4. I grew up in a town named Niceville. See this previous post about life there.

5. I’m a grammar snob, though I do make mistakes. Feel free to tell me when I do (my sister and dad do), and I’ll gladly fix it.

6. I have a Master’s degree. Still shocking for me, too.

7. My next marriage will be to a woman.

8. I watch a LOT of TV while on my compy which I am on a LOT. Lovin’ my MacBook compy!

9. I own my own web store, Good for the Kids. (see #8)

10. I have webbed toes. Not gross to most people, but bad enough that I can’t wear toe socks and those evil toe separators at the nail salon.

11. I was a lifeguard in high school. (see #10)

12. I have a really good core group of friends that I know I’m really lucky to have and call my friends. Only two of them read my blog. (Wazzup S & K! You can leave a comment finally!)

13. I LOVE food. (See my belly. And my ass. And my thighs. And my arms.)

14. I drive a T&C. I ride in it to look cool. NEVER call it a minivan.

15. I can listen to my favorite bands over and over and never listen to any other band (ie. Candlebox, Pearl Jam, Tantric/Days of the New, Matchbox 20) but I inevitably leave a band or two out of my favorites list.

16. Everyone in my family has a draw to live on some form of a body of water. I wanna move soon to live on the water.

17. I wish I was better at art. ANY art - crafting, photography, coloring, painting, stick figures - ANYTHING.

18. I’m 5′ 4.75″

19. I’m a lazy perfectionist. It’s a vicious cycle of wanting things to be perfect, but never attaining perfection, so things never get done. This is how people describe hoarders. I’m afraid for my future.

20. I love to shop, but rarely buy anything.

#21-100 coming soon…

Happy family, minus a wife.

Oh, there I am with Sir, aka HockeyMan

EASTER - ONE DAY EARLY

The Boss & Trouble

Can you STAND those eyes?

Serious egg hunting

Did somebody spot an egg?

Arranging Easter candy & monies

Florida Sandhill Crane