I’ve admitted before, I have lovely lady lumps and I don’t mean my boobies. I mean the cheesy lumps on my arse and my thighs. Being that I am a plumpalicious girl, I am standing up and protecting my fellow larger ladies and the rest of the world.

How? By calling a moratorium on shorts that are wider than they are long.

Unless you are in the top .01% of the ladies in the U.S., YOUR SHORTS SHOULD BE LONGER THAN THEY ARE WIDE. If this ratio is on the negative side, DON’T SQUEEZE YOUR FAT ASS INTO THE SHORTS.

Just because some clothing store makes the clothes and you can pull up the screaming zipper, DO NOT buy the shorts.

Oh, Sweet Baby Jeebus and Oprah. Here is my evidence from Old Navy*:

Allowing Old Navy (and others) to sell shorts at a 4 1/2″ inseam in a size 6 or up should be criminal. Allowing us larger ladies think it is OK to leave the house, much less purchase, any shorts less than a 5″ inseam (and still you gotsta have some NICE legs to pull those off) is a travesty.

And who are they joking with this picture of the shorts with a space between the legs? No woman who is a size 14 or up has any space between her thighs. You nasty nasty marketing picture-taking people are trying to make us think that those shorts (with pleats BTW) will allow our crotches to breathe.

Sorry, ladies, but wearing these shorts will only allow your ass to have a snack on some denim.

So, please. For the love of Sweet Baby Jeebus and Oprah. Stand UP and show your lovely legs! Just wear your shorts a little longer.

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*Originally published March 30, 2008 but still ever-so-awesome.

See? I don’t lie:

I can only hope that I’ll look this hot in these sexy panties (5 for $29 panties from Lane Bryant).

She totally has that “come hither and take this lace trim cami off of me” look.

Really, what’s sexier than a good sale. Not much, I’ll tell ya. Not. Much.

Except this guy:

Disclosure: I was provided a Lane Bryant gift card in exchange for the information I shared in this post. Still tho, it’s all my own opinion. I don’t lie. Nor am I shady. I’m also awesome. Obviously.

To my surprise, I went to LB today just hoping to get a few new mom shirts (comfy, yet kind of stylish for the everyday trip to Publix, Target, & dinner), but I found, to my JOY, I’m now a size 4!

Well, in the new Right Fit sizing at Lane Bryant. I just like saying, “I’m a size 4.”

They had a whole section on their new sizing for curvy (ahem) women that is supposed to fit every curvy (ahem) body type. According to Stacey and Clinton, and now Tim & Veronica, you should try on lots of different jeans to find just the right pair. I usually just try on 1 or 2, get pissed at myself, and leave the store broken-hearted.

But today. Today was victory! I found jeans that fit! And leaving with a size 4 pair of jeans was the candied cherry on top. I ended up buying the Right Fit Straight Size 4 Petite (who knew?) dark wash jeans. Plus, they were only $39.95! For me, that’s expensive for 1 article of clothing. But, if they make my ass look good, and I can wear them for 6 months (I’m in Florida), they’re gonna be mine. I cannot WAIT to wear them!

Size 4… I just don’t want to know the equivalent sizing in regular jeans. I’ll just tell everyone I wear a size 4 and have them look at me funny.

BTW – This is NOT an ad. I wish it was so I could get paid, so if you’re listening Ms. Lane Bryant, I’m available. I’m just so happy I found these jeans.