Not everything you need to know to raise a child is in a book. Little nuggets of Awesome are discovered, most by accident, through the years as your seed grows into a Real Live Human! being.

Many of these nuggets are found by stumbling through actual poo, sleepless nights, and all-day crying fits where you’re found in the corner in the fetal position with mouth corners of chocolate and an empty bottle of Xanax, wine, and/or both.

Yeah, sure there are oodles of websites, blogs, and message boards *shudder* dedicated to passing along information “the books don’t tell you,” but there are just some things other mothers don’t think are important enough to pass along.

I’m here for you.

My goal in life, besides World Domination, is to Spread Awesome. You are so welcome. Part of my job in Spreading Awesome is to inform new parents, friends of people who are parents, and veteran child rearers of all they need to know.

Things like…

When you are kicked out of your comfy bed that you’ve spent many nights making just right with YOUR butt imprint in just the right place and has YOUR smell and has YOUR high thread count sheets, TAKE YOUR PILLOW WITH YOU TO YOUR KID’S BED. Taking YOUR pillow to the short person’s bed will trick your sleep-deprived mind into thinking you’re fast asleep in your comfy, smells-like-you bed and not on your kid’s faint-scent-of-pee, rock-hard mattress.

When you think it’s time to move your toddler to the Big Kid Bed, it’s too early. No matter when you think it’s time, it’s too early. WAIT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE TO MOVE THE KID TO THE BIG KID BED. If it means keeping the kid in the crib til she’s 5, do it. Safety note because I feel compelled to put it here so you don’t go blaming me in a lawsuit: If your kid can climb out of the crib, try a canopy net. If the canopy net doesn’t work, move the kid to a bid kid bed, but do it regretfully and sigh a lot. I’m not suggesting you go all bloody steak Joan Crawford and strap your kid to the bed, but if you leash your kid at the mall, I’m sure you’ve thought of recreating Mommie Dearest to keep kiddie dearest in bed. Whatever safely and morally works for you.

TEACH YOUR KID TO WATCH TV. Enough said.

NEVER EVER NEVER BUY CRAPASS CDS LIKE “KIDS BOP.” Any music sung by children should be saved for that child’s parent and should never ever never be recorded for purchase. If you want your kids to be exposed to good music like Kings of Leon Owl City, Kelly Clarkson, or even the made-for-commercial-sell-out Black Eyed Peas, please just play the music as it was originally intended. You’re welcome.

Please use these simple, helpful Nuggets of Parenting Awesome in your child rearing life. I’ve failed in 1-out-of-4 times, so having a 75% success rate in my own parenting class, I’m giving myself a pass for my one fail.

I need some more tips no one else told you about that you had to find out on your own as you stumble through parenting. TELL ME, DEAR INTERNETS. What more do we need to know?

It’s time to get what we deserve – EQUAL OPPORTUNITY for TV!

When you make every effort to get the same treatment as other people and you get nowhere, you take it to the interwebs.

DirecTV? Your move.

(Yeah, I know this is small & petty in the life & times of heartache & discrimination. But we’re talking about MY TV EXPERIENCE & MY MONIES. I’m totally self-centered, and still awesome.)

Please go read Patrick’s essay on getting a nut what we deserve.

Next time, we’ll work on focusing our efforts on something worthwhile to the betterment of the universe.

Like the implementation of child-rearing licenses.

I’m a major people-watcher.

The best people-watching places are most definitely airports and theme parks. Moreso the theme parks because you get all kinds of people in all kinds of moods. At the airport, no one’s happy.

In one of my next lives, I’ll be a Sociologist.

For now, I’ll just observe and judge. Don’t tell me you don’t judge, cause even if you say you don’t, you do. If you say you don’t, you’re a damn liar.

I’ve been finding lately, that the internets and blogs may be an even better place to observe and judge people. In blogging, you can follow people’s actual daily lives – not just watch them stumble their way through MickeyLand in their matching Crocs and wonder why they have a motorized wheelchair.

In BlogLand, it’s a sort of open-book, closed-door peek into people’s lives – or as much as they let you in. Most people let you see what they want you to see. They make a charicature of themselves. Whether it’s an upper class mom or a poor, unhealthy single woman, people give out to the internet world what they want to hear back.

You want sympathy? Tell everyone you’re sick.
You want confirmation you’re doing a good job? Tell everyone you’re a bad mom.
You want people to tell you how good you look? Tell everyone you look fat and post a picture of yourself in a hot-ass dress.

Craftily manicured posts about everyday life and everyday things to get the attention you so desperately crave in your real life.

And then you let something slip. You may not even notice it, but to the trained observant eye, it gets noticed.

You don’t have that perfect life you want everyone to think you live.

You are the worst judge of yourself. Your biggest fear is having everyone know your daily suffering to make the perfect life appear.

This is not about me. I’ll tell you when things are shit.

I don’t pretend to be perfect. I, like everyone, will craft my posts around the absolute truth of the situation. No one wants to hear my whining about my feelings or my day or my lack of self-control. I am not a better or worse person than anyone else.

I’m just an observer into the lives of others. I try not to judge, but when I see the lives of others are cracked, it makes me feel a little bit better about myself.

Knowing, I’m not alone.

Tune in tomorrow for your regularly scheduled dose of snarkasm.