I’ve admitted before, I have lovely lady lumps and I don’t mean my boobies. I mean the cheesy lumps on my arse and my thighs. Being that I am a plumpalicious girl, I am standing up and protecting my fellow larger ladies and the rest of the world.

How? By calling a moratorium on shorts that are wider than they are long.

Unless you are in the top .01% of the ladies in the U.S., YOUR SHORTS SHOULD BE LONGER THAN THEY ARE WIDE. If this ratio is on the negative side, DON’T SQUEEZE YOUR FAT ASS INTO THE SHORTS.

Just because some clothing store makes the clothes and you can pull up the screaming zipper, DO NOT buy the shorts.

Oh, sweet Jesus and Oprah. Here is my evidence from Old Navy:

Allowing Old Navy (and others) to sell shorts at a 4 1/2″ inseam in a size 6 or up should be criminal. Allowing us larger ladies think it is OK to leave the house, much less purchase, any shorts less than a 5″ inseam (and still you gotsta have some NICE legs to pull those off) is a travesty.

And who are they joking with this picture of the shorts with a space between the legs? No woman who is a size 14 or up has any space between her thighs. You nasty nasty marketing picture-taking people at Old Navy are trying to make us think that those shorts (with pleats btw) will allow our crotches to breathe.

Sorry, ladies, but wearing these shorts will only allow your ass to have a snack on some denim.

So, please. For the love of Jesus and Oprah. Stand UP and show your lovely legs! Just wear your shorts a little longer.

Last night, we drove all the way (25 minutes) to Bennigan’s for the delicioso dessert I mentioned a few days ago. We had a nice dinner, the girls were good, and we had some major laughs (check back Wednesday for the picture).

And wouldn’tchaknowit.

Friggin place ran out of BANANAS. How the crap do you run out of bananas when you’re a restaurant advertising a delicious banana dessert? Argh.

But everything happens for a reason, right?

In the 3 seconds it takes me to kick and scream and whine complain to HockeyMan, I think to myself, “Self, you didn’t really need those extra 500 calories and 30 grams of fat you would have eaten had bananas been in plentiful supply. Self, God is telling you that you don’t need to keep eating crap food even if it is delicious and you drove out of your way to eat it. Self, why don’t you chock this up to fate that today is the day to stop eating dessert.”

But, no. Fate would have it that we would be sat in a booth at the front window of Bennigan’s with no other customer seated in our section (maybe that was because we have 2 noisy toddlers in tow). And fate handed us a treat.

As we were staring out the window across the street whining discussing the lack of bananas and how we’ll have to come back another day, the beacon shone itself.

Hot Now

Yes, my dear blog friends, the bright orange Krispy Kreme sign flicked on just as we looked out the window.

How can I make that up? You can’t control fate. You can only give in and eat a Hot Now glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut or two.

Deeelish.

If you know me, you know I love a list and sweets. So why not combine the two into a list of my favorite restaurant desserts? Keep in mind, these are restaurant desserts. The homemade stuff doesn’t count. Why? Because my mom’s Pecan Pie can’t compare to any other dessert on earth. It just doesn’t compare.

In order:

1. Bahama Breeze: Bananas Supreme - “Sliced bananas and vanilla ice cream on warm banana-nut bread, with hot, homemade butterscotch brandy sauce.” Lord. Help me now. I do not. Will not. Don’t even ASK me to share this with you. I’ve heard about other desserts at BB, but I’ve never tasted them. This is THE best. Ever.

2. ESPN Zone: Mighty Duck Hockey Puck - The thickest, most delicious brownie ever. Sadly, it is no longer offered at the restaurant. It’s been about 7-8 years since I’ve had it, and I think of it often. It will be falling from the #2 spot soon. Sadly.

3. Bennigan’s: BANANAS FOSTER XANGO - “Creamy original and banana cheesecake layered with rich caramel, wrapped in a flaky pastry. Served warm with vanilla ice cream, banana slices and topped with caramel, Bananas Foster sauce and whipped cream.” This, my friends, is the reason for this post tonight. HockeyMan ordered this delectable dessert tonight whilst I protested, and we discovered a new reason to drive out of our way to Bennigan’s. Go there NOW and eat this low fat dessert.

4. Smokey Bones Barbeque: Bag of Donuts - Fresh to Order Hot Cinnamon Sugar Donuts - If you have resisted this in the past, resist no more. They recently added to their strawberry dip (yes, dip) a chocolate sauce dip. Oh, Lordy, Lordy. Dip them both and eat. Ahhhhhh….

5. Maguire’s Irish Pub: Lucky Chocolate Brownie Pie A La Mode - Baked daily, topped with ice cream. The. Best. Brownie. EVER. Trust me - I’m a professional brownie eater. If you’re ever in the panhandle of Florida, you MUST visit Maguire’s for the best food and desserts.

6. Olive Garden: Chocolate Lasagna - This dessert is only around from time-to-time, and thank goodness for that. I can only take it once every few years and in small doses. It is SO incredibly rich and thick, but SO gooooood.

OK, so I have two favorite brownies, but one is retired. I LURVES a brownie.

What are your favorite RESTAURANT desserts? (I need ideas.)

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

After yesterday’s post, I thought I needed to eat better. Does this count?

8:30am - Grande non-fat mocha w/ light whipped cream from Starbucks

2:00pm - Low-fat chocolate milk

4:00pm - Princess “fruit” snacks

6:00pm - Beef Tostadas with tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, beans, onions, sour cream & salsa and iced tea from Tijuana Flats

I don’t think this counts as eating better.

I’ll try harder tomorrow.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Check out my post on my new blog with Dawn at MamasLike.com!

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I’m sure that’s what they’ll be saying in a few years when they (those two cuties in the trees) can put sentences and reason together.

Today was my birthday. Not exciting, not overwhelming. Just a day. My friends were nice enough to get together and get me a spa gift card (I almost left right then to go get my massage) and have cake and ice cream. I definitely have only love for my skanks friends. I’m VERY lucky to have a small group of girls that I’ve know for a few years that I can depend on and drink with (and go to adult toy stores with) and laugh with. I’ve become extremely close with them, and I feel I’m extremely lucky to have my skanks. Don’t worry - it’s a term of endearment.

Back to my blog title. When I get stressed, or sad, or anxious, or happy, or mad, or the kids cry or whine, I eat. I don’t think I’m grossly overweight, but I am overweight. I do eat too much. I eat too much of the wrong thing. If only Dr. Oz and Bob Greene could come in and take over my health. That. Would. Be. Awesome.

Tonight, after I ate chocolate cake with chocolate icing with chocolate fudge chocolate ice cream, I had a HUGE takeout dinner of beef tostadas and the remaining 1/2 of my daughter’s quesadilla (for the 2nd night in a row). Let me tell you. It. Was. Awesome.

Why did I do it? Because I’m sad and tired and a bit depressed. Today I found out that something I really wanted to happen was not going to happen. It would have given my business such incredible exposure. But, things happen, and this is one thing that is not going to happen.

Oh, and my parents are coming on Thursday. Sigh… I LOVE my parents, but they don’t “approve” of my lifestyle of laziness. That means I have to do my quarterly Mom Clean. I HATE cleaning. So I eat. Do you see a pattern?

At least I’m not a drinker (occasional fruity Mama drink) or the title would be “Mama Drinks Because I Cry.”

I bought some Milano cookies today that I hear calling my name…