I was on a Mother’s Day cruise to Cozumel for 4 nights with 12 other women and 3 older men.

Unfortunately, they were all related to me. Or maybe I should say fortunately.

Because all of these things happened:

I went snorkeling at 3 different reefs with a Mayan and got my ass sunburned.

I spotted a pod of dolphins with 4 baby dolphins.

I became just a head as I floated away from Mexico with my aunt.

I had a few Rum Punches to ease the pain of stupidity on my sunburned face.

I wore my “Yay Cleavage” t-shirt in a photo with my Grandma.

I drank wine from a bottle in a very classy way.

I drank a tropical drink with an umbrella before we even left the port of Tampa.

I got a video of the dolphins that’s difficult to watch because OH MY GOT, THE WIND AND THE ROCKING.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 8 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: cozumel, cruise, mother's day

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True love is looking at a Senior picture of my Patrick from 1993-94, and laughing until I pee because I hit that.

The style.

The glasses.

The shirt.

The backdrop.

The smile.

THE HAIR.

And he’s mine, ALL MINE.

At least he turned into this:

Back up off, ladies and mens.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 10 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: patrick, senior picture

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It’s a good thing my grandparents were prolific breeders.

One of my mom’s 3 younger sisters and 2 of my cousins are regular readers here, and without their views, I feel like my pretend-famous blog would shrivel up to dust. This weekend, they told me I’m not posting enough.

Apparently, they don’t know how a feed reader works, so they come to my blog several times a day to see if I’ve updated. I’m estimating that their pageviews account for approximately 52% of my traffic.

I don’t want to make my regular readers angry, and they’re a hot group of family, so I don’t want to disappoint.

You don’t want to see anyone in my family get angry, because this is what a happy, laughing face looks like.

In this family, we’re as thick as thieves with fashionably popped collars on our skull & crossbones shirts.

We keep an eye on our sisters while they steal our shit.

But when we get angry, you’ll know it.

When we get sick and tired of your antics, we lie down and ignore you.

We keep the golf gallery quiet for our sisters when they set up to take a tee shot.

And we support our family when they make gender-bending fashion decisions.

We look KILLER-cute in a bubble suit and sun hat.

But we apparently don’t tell our sisters that they have insanely frizzy hair in her annual family photo when we take her picture. Jerk.

Dear family, you’re lucky to know me.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 15 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: 2012, easter, Family

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“Mama, do NOT put that on the internet.”

I promised I wouldn’t.

I lied to my kids, and I have no regret.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: anna, caught dancing, claire, dancing video, kids dancing

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Friends, it’s time for an intervention.

This has gone on for WAY too long without you realizing that it’s a problem. I thought the novelty would go away once you realized things could change, but it’s just not happening on its own.

It might be you who needs my help or maybe it’s a friend or even your own mother. If you’re afraid to do the intervention on a friend or family member yourself, share this information with them in hopes that they realize the travesty of their ways.

I’m here to help.

Back in the dark ages of the iPhone, taking videos wasn’t an option. The camera was crap, and we couldn’t even turn the phone sideways to type on a bigger keyboard. I know; life was tough.

Then Mr. Jobs blessed us with the 3GS, and the world would never again be the same.

Unfortunately, the portrait video was also invented and a new pet peeve of mine developed.

Do me a favor: look at your TV. Or hell, look at your computer screen. It’s landscape, meaning it’s wider than it is long. There’s not a cinematic feature film or television series that is shot in portrait form. None. Zero. Never will be.

DON’T TAKE YOUR PERSONAL VIDEOS IN PORTRAIT.

It’s really simple to take your iPhone videos in landscape: turn it sideways.

Mr. Jobs loves us from heaven and wants things to be simple. He made it so simple that all we have to do is turn our phones 90º either direction before you start recording, and like Baby Jeesus & Oprah’s Black Magic, the camera does the work for us.

I’ve recorded for your viewing pleasure, two short examples of what we’re all missing if you record your iPhone videos in portrait.

The first is a video of my kid playing on her 3DS. It’s fairly boring, aside from the kid being drop-dead adorable. But we’re missing something here: my other kid.

And now with the iPhone Black Magically turned sideways, we can see my other kid, crazy-dancing.

The world deserves to see my other kid crazy-dancing. Think of all the injustices that could be prevented if you just turned your phone sideways before you record a video.

Do it for me, do it for our future. Record your iPhone videos in landscape.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 14 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: iphone video, iphone video landscape, iphone video portrait, video

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There must be some kind of omen about a chicken crossing the road right in front of you. Or maybe an old wive’s tale. Or maybe this is normal when you’re not in Suburbia.

Watching a chicken cross the road right in front of your car isn’t something that happens every day to a suburbanite. Or really, happens ever in my Pleasantville planned community. Though I did see some girls riding horses on the main road through our manufactured town once, and it wasn’t even during the holiday parade.

A chicken crossed the road in front of my car this past weekend when I was out in Downtown MethHead, Florida with my girls, mom, sister, and her kids. I’m pretty sure I heard it cluck, “BAWK BAWK, MOTHERFUCKER!” as it passed by. Now that I think about it, that chicken probably knows Jenny’s Beyonce.

We were coming from the U-Pick, side-of-the-road farm where we picked strawberries with our own hands, and for the whole 20 minutes it took us to pick 6 quarts of farm-fresh fruits, we were damn farmers.

Clearly the chicken who crossed the road smelled our freshly dirtied feet from afar, and it felt safe crossing in front of my minivan.

Picking strawberries in the boonies was a teachable moment for our suburban kids.

“See, kids. Your food doesn’t really come from plastic bags! Your food comes from people with very dirty feet. And, kids, if you want some Oxy, you can follow that chicken back to its coop where it nests in some methhead family’s living room. Just bring me back some farm-fresh eggs.”

I’m never at a loss for finding ways to teach my children the ways of life in Florida.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: anna, chicken cross the road, claire, kids, nolan, picking strawberries

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My hair, tonight.

Insanity.

And yes, it’s as heavy as it looks. I could probably forego my regular chiropractor visits if I cut it all off.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 8 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: angie, curly hair

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Oreo
I love you so.

As you turn 100,
I turn 35-1/2.
Coincidence?
I think not.

The kids and the milk,
They love you.

The way your chocolatey
Crumbles
Make their way into my
Teeth,

Remind me
That
I need to
Brush.

I love you,
Oreo.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: anna, claire, oreos, Pictures

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I have’t been able to listen to this song all the way through much less watch the whole video.

I have it on good authority (see: Patrick says) that during The Hunger Games movie, this Taylor Swift/Civil Wars song will be played at just the part that made me *tear* when I read the book.

DAMN YOU, TAYLOR SWIFT, AND YOUR ANGELIC VOICE.

I haven’t been this excited to cry my way through a teen book-made-into-a-high-budget-theatrical-event since Twilight!!!1!!

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 9 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: civil wars, hunger games, safe and sound, taylor swift, video

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© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: 2012, anna, claire, oscars, predictions, video

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