Friends, it’s time for an intervention.

This has gone on for WAY too long without you realizing that it’s a problem. I thought the novelty would go away once you realized things could change, but it’s just not happening on its own.

It might be you who needs my help or maybe it’s a friend or even your own mother. If you’re afraid to do the intervention on a friend or family member yourself, share this information with them in hopes that they realize the travesty of their ways.

I’m here to help.

Back in the dark ages of the iPhone, taking videos wasn’t an option. The camera was crap, and we couldn’t even turn the phone sideways to type on a bigger keyboard. I know; life was tough.

Then Mr. Jobs blessed us with the 3GS, and the world would never again be the same.

Unfortunately, the portrait video was also invented and a new pet peeve of mine developed.

Do me a favor: look at your TV. Or hell, look at your computer screen. It’s landscape, meaning it’s wider than it is long. There’s not a cinematic feature film or television series that is shot in portrait form. None. Zero. Never will be.

DON’T TAKE YOUR PERSONAL VIDEOS IN PORTRAIT.

It’s really simple to take your iPhone videos in landscape: turn it sideways.

Mr. Jobs loves us from heaven and wants things to be simple. He made it so simple that all we have to do is turn our phones 90º either direction before you start recording, and like Baby Jeesus & Oprah’s Black Magic, the camera does the work for us.

I’ve recorded for your viewing pleasure, two short examples of what we’re all missing if you record your iPhone videos in portrait.

The first is a video of my kid playing on her 3DS. It’s fairly boring, aside from the kid being drop-dead adorable. But we’re missing something here: my other kid.

And now with the iPhone Black Magically turned sideways, we can see my other kid, crazy-dancing.

The world deserves to see my other kid crazy-dancing. Think of all the injustices that could be prevented if you just turned your phone sideways before you record a video.

Do it for me, do it for our future. Record your iPhone videos in landscape.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 14 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: iphone video, iphone video landscape, iphone video portrait, video

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I’m going to start by saying I’m not a prude when it comes to other people’s bodies. For my own body, I cover up and shut up. No one wants to see what’s going on under my unstylish clothes.

As a mother to two young girls, I may now be more conscious about how much skin they see on adult bodies than I used to be. But I think I’ve always been a bit less than liberal with what I think should be shown in public.

I think boobs are boobs, butts are butts, and privates are, well, meant to be private.

My own belief that women have choices with how we treat and present our own bodies is kind of a contradiction to how I feel about the 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue featuring 19-year-old Kate Upton.

I don’t think it’s an appropriate cover to be on display in every bookstore, magazine rack, and as a massive billboard in Times Square.

Shocking to read from me, I know.

Girlfriend has a hot body, there’s no doubt. Great boobs, great stomach, great everything.

But I struggle with being OK seeing a bikini bottom so small that it looks to be one millimeter away from seeing Ms. Upton’s Front Butt.

While I don’t feel comfortable with this cover being everywhere for everyone to see, I’m very much OK with David Beckham’s H&M manties ad.

Though the combined fabric coverage of Mr. Beckham’s manties is only slightly more than Ms. Upton’s swimsuit, he is completely covered in the area of his “privates.”  There’s no peek of a Happy Trail, no definition of his bulge, no question that if he bent over, we’d be treated to a show of what’s currently covered.

I’m also very much OK with an ad campaign that shows women in their underwear.

I believe in the celebration of our bodies, no matter their size, shape, and purpose.

I don’t want to have to explain to my girls that it’s not OK to wear such an itsy bitsy, teeny weenie bikini in public, no matter their size, shape, and purpose.

If there’s a chance that your Front Butt may be exposed with a sneaked-out fart, the bikini bottom is too small.

My opinions may be contradictory, but I see a difference in the images and the messages they send.

Or maybe I wrote this whole essay as an excuse to look at David Beckham in his underwear. Maybe.

image credits Sports Illustrated, H&M, Dove

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 34 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: advertisement, bikini, campaign, david beckham, dove, front butt, H&M, kate upton, parenting, real beauty, sports illustrated, swimsuit issue

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My Family: Setting a bad example for future generations.

I was raised in an abnormal household of two un-divorced, full-blooded parents with a full-blooded sister. It’s a wonder I even turned out to function like a semi-normal person with all of the surrounding abnormalities.

I’m pretty sure the chances of me becoming a semi-well-adjusted person after being brain-washed by my parents who planned to have me after being married several years into a stable household are slim.

It’s just not normal! I can only hope to hide from the world my shame as someone who is different.

There may be hope for my abnormal family life after all. Though my parents are still married and have been for 42-1/2 long years, there’s sunlight on the horizon of the agony of their longtime marriage.

My parents have turned into their parents, and I can now justify their asylum commitments.

Growing up, each of my parents separately urged me and my sister to kill, or at the least commit, them if they ever turned into acting like their own parents. Now in their 60s, my mom and dad bicker and fight and argue and mumble under their breath at one another more than I ever witnessed my grandparents doing. I just spent 12 days at my parent’s house. Covering my ears and singing loudly when they started nit-picking at one another was my only way of coping.

The problem here is clear: they learned it by watching their parents and their parents before them. My mom’s parents are STILL alive and married after 40 years of wedded bliss and 20+ years of wedded angst. Before they both died, my dad’s parents were exactly the same.

I can hear the "just take the damn picture" and the "would you just shut up and look at the damn camera" said just before this was taken.

Being married for over 40 years is clearly the milestone marker for insanity.

You people who come from divorced parents and split-up families, basically the normal, everyday American household, are lucky. You don’t have the examples set by people like my parents and grandparents that staying together until the end of time is OK.

It’s not OK, because like the abscessed growth on your finger you refuse to acknowledge, never-ending marriage will end in throbbing pain and someone offering to pop it for you.

Though at least when you’re married to someone for that long, you have someone who will squeeze the puss. Just don’t mind when she does it a little too painfully just because she can. She’s earned that benefit. And he’s earned the right to use 16 colorful words to throw at her while she does it.

I’m going to repurpose those drug PSAs from the 90s: “I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU, ALRIGHT. I learned it by watching you.” We should be so lucky to have learned how to smoke pot from you. Instead, we learned how to make it to old age, married in wedded angst.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 9 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: marriage, parents

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I’ve always been skeptical of the adage, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

It just seems too absolute for me. There are times when saying something that’s not-so-nice is appropriate. Like when yelling at the football players on TV that they’re chumps and even I could have caught the ball. Or when you’re pushing a baby out of your bagina, cursing the man who put it in there. Or if your internet stops working for no DAT BLAMMIT reason. Those are valid reasons to say something that’s not-so-nice.

The internets have brought out the worst in people. With the anonymity of the series of tubes to hid behind, there is a sect of the population who feels it’s OK to insult and walk away. It’s not OK, jerks.

There are entire blogs devoted to negativity: the negativity of parenting, the negativity of others, and the negativity of negativity. It all exists, and the perpetuation of criticism leaks into spaces where it’s not welcome.

Criticism is OK. To disagree is OK. It is NOT OK to make critical comments and just walk away.

Imagine shopping in your grocery store, minding your own grocery-buying business, and someone came up to you and said, “YOU SUCK!” then walked away. Wouldn’t you want to know why you suck specifically? Is it because of the food you’re buying? The clothes you’re wearing? Are you taking up too much space in the aisle? Is it because you’re actually sucking on a lollipop? I’d like to ask, “WHY do I SUCK?”

Unfortunately, some people on the internets don’t feel an obligation to follow through on their declarations of your suckage, and if they do, the reasons are benign and unfounded. So then you’re left with an incomplete thought of why exactly you suck compared to the accuser. And that totally sucks.

How about some constructive criticism instead of blanket insults? A little, “I read what you’re point making, and I’d like to offer my opinion of the situation.” Or, “I like what The Rock is cooking, but I think I know of a way you can improve it.”

Think about what you put out to the universe. Negativity begets negativity. Being an unsubstantiated jerk is not OK.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: being a jerk, This? Is Not OK

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There are some rules that are meant to be broken:

• eating after 7pm
• watching more than 2 hours of TV a day
• drinking a Zima after prom

There are some rules that are meant to be adhered to:

• drinking and driving
• staying in school
• wearing rompers as an adult women

Let’s discuss the last rule at length, because it’s really one that should be honored by all women over the age of fresh-out-of-college. Like me, most women are what you’d call Fashionably Challenged, but even the majority of women know there are some things meant to be worn by toddlers or teenagers who count Ke$ha as their fashion icon.

It’s unsure whether dressing in the same shirt day after day in each of the colors sold by the clothier of your choice (my personal fashion secret) may not get you out of being caught in a from-the-neck-down Fashion Don’t on Tim Gunn’s next Bravo special. However, wearing one of these currently- or recently-available frocks, should get you a one-way ticket to TLC’s What Not to Wear.

Jumpsuits are meant for fighter pilots.

Ladies over the size of 00 can not wear horizontal zebra print, especially in a romper.

"Plus Ruffled Slub-Knit Romper" should never be allowed for adults.

Harem Pants belong in Harems and Kardashian sisters.

Even though you admire your circa 1986 2nd grade teacher, you shouldn't dress like her in an applique denim dress.

Don’t do it ladies. Just, please don’t.

What’s your #1 (or #s 2-5) fashion don’t rule?

photo credits: oldnavy.com, lanebryant.com, macys.com, amazon.com

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 28 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: bad fashion, clothing, fashion, This? Is Not OK, women

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My Gorgeous Mama

I have never been so ashamed to be my mother’s daughter.

Sure, she may take to the dance floor doing her best Elaine Dance imitation.

Sure, she may have one or two or three too many glasses of her favorite wine every now and then.

Sure, she may talk your ear off about the best tile that goes with the best soap dispenser and how she bought the wrong one, took it back, got a different soap dispenser only to realize it didn’t match the bathroom tile like she had intended.

But until today, I’ve never been so embarrassed to be my mother’s daughter than I am now that she posted this on my Facebook wall:

In case you can’t read that graphic, my mom basically belittles every web designer, web professional, and internet-savvy individual the world over with her one simple line,

“Sorry – I LOVE comic sans! It’s so friendly – and I’m not a Fortune 500 company!”

It’s like she’s taken a sword, dipped it in a vat of Witch Hazel, stabbed me through my proverbial internet-beating heart, stripped me of my dignity, then taped a letter on my chest typed in Comic Sans defending her actions.

Dear Mom and every other mother,
For the love of everything I hold dearly to my internetty heart, please stop using Comic Sans. The world thanks you.
Love,
The Comic Sans Must Die Army

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: comic sans, facebook, mom, This? Is Not OK

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I’ve written ad nauseum about the challenges of my children sleeping in our marital bed. However far we’ve come with incentive charts and bribes and calm explanations and begging and pleading and flat-out yelling, the girls still come into our bed at some time during the early morning.

They’re supposed to wait until the sun comes up before they come into our bed. They’re supposed to bring their pillows with them when they come in.

No matter how much we threaten to take away every single toy and/or privilege and/or entertainment, this still happens:

Nearly-Actual Photograph, Taken This Morning

When I sleep, I turn black. Jealous?

Actual Photograph of Me & Claire, Taken This Morning

When I wake up hanging 1/2 off of my own bed, I turn back to pale white with lopsided eyeballs and grey face. Jealous?

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 32 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: bed, children, drawing, kids, marriage, sleeping

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Let’s talk dirty, sexy, money.

I miss that hokey show that lasted only 3/4 of a season, but that’s not really the point of this article. Still, we need a moment of silence for the Darlings.

***silence***

This is Part 2 of my “What the Eff is Going On In Education?” Series.

We’re talking about dirty, sexy, real money, except there’s no sexy in this money: the money teachers are paid to mold the brains of our nation’s youth.

You’d think the white men who sit atop the highest mountain in government would want our youth to be taught by the finest, highest paid, most celebrated professionals possible. But this is clearly not the case.

As I’ve written in the past, I was a public school teacher for 4 years with a Master’s degree in Elementary Education. Two of those years, I taught at a public Charter school, and the last two years, I taught at a typical county elementary school. The salaries I’ll be talking about here are the salaries earned teaching in the Orange County Public School system. All of this information is readily available on the OCPS.net website.

When I started working at the OCPS school with 2 years of instructional experience, I made about 34,000 per year with a $2400 “BONUS” for having a Master’s Degree in a related field.

(Sidenote: I made less per year as a bonus for having a Master’s Degree than it took to pay for one semester in Grad school.)

The current rate of pay for a brand new teacher, fresh out of college with a Bachelor’s Degree is $37,000 per year.

Let’s break this down into hourly pay, shall we?

180 days of school
14 days of pre-planning, post-planning, and contracted teacher work days
37.5 (paid) hours of work per week, required to be on school campus or at an in-service training

1455 hours contracted to work per year

$23.34/hour contracted to work for a first-year teacher

Not bad, right? Not really GOOD, but not horrible. It’s a good start!

Let’s take a look at other jobs in Orlando where you could earn about $23.34/hour worked, straight out of college:

• Business Systems Analyst - $25.00 Per Hour
• Technical Support Specialist I - $20.00 – $24.00 Per Hour
• Programmer Analyst – IT - $40,000.00 – $50,000.00 Per Year (hourly rate adjusted for more hours worked/year)

Not too bad, eh? It’s a good entry point into the workforce.

Now, let’s look down the road 15 years and see what’s available for seasoned, practiced professionals in the teaching field.

A teacher in Orange County is contracted to be paid $45,600 per year. Let’s assume she’s earned her Master’s Degree along the way, so we’ll add $2,605 to her yearly salary.

$33.13/hour contracted to work for a teacher with 15 years’ experience.

Now let’s take a look at what other jobs pay per year in Orlando with 15 years’ experience and a Master’s Degree.

• Vice President, Manufacturing & Product Design - $150,000.​00 – $225,000
• Senior Director, Projects and Applications (at OCPS) - $83,998.​00 – $95,376.​00
• Director of Merchandise Retail Store Design and Visual Presentation - $108,428.​80 – $135,536

JAW.

DROPPED.

I’m kind of speechless.

How is this OK in America? OK around the world? How is it socially acceptable for the women and men who teach the future corporate vice presidents and senior directors to earn a comparative pittance?

First step: Respect your child’s teacher. They probably make far less than you and do way more than what’s in a contracted day’s work.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: hourly, money, pay, salary, teachers, wage

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Over at one of my super Awesome weblogs, We Know Awesome, we’re showcasing the best of the worst Glamour Shots from the ’90s (and sadly the new millennia). I was never subjected to the feather boa accessory that is a requirement in all Glamour Shots photo sessions at the mall. Instead, I was subjected to my mother’s idea of what would make the perfect engagement photo to be published in all of the local papers and put on display for decades to come.

I am not immune from my own What the Fruck Were You Thinking? professional photography session. Mine just happens to be my engagement photo from 1997.

This, my friends, is the handiwork of my mother (who just happens to be on a cruise right now and probably won’t see this post, so don’t think I’m not purposely posting it now because she might be upset that I’m making fun of it).

Turtle necks.

Solid-color bright sweaters.

Creeper over my shoulder.

Perfectly coiffed hair.

A sweater that makes me look 50 pounds heavier than I actually was at the time.

We were just kids. Each only 21-years-old when these photos were taken, we had to do what my mother told us to do. She was paying – she got what she wanted.

Apparently, this is what she wanted:

The stuff dreams are made of.

It’s OK to laugh and make fun – we do. Often.

Sidenote: My kids’ first reaction at seeing the picture: “Mama! You have no owies on your face!” That’s right, kids. I had no acne at 21, but I do at 34, BECAUSE I GAVE BIRTH TO YOU, my face is wrought with “owies.” Jerks.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 27 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: engagement, glamour shots, marriage, photo, This? Is Not OK

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It takes something pretty shocking to make my jaw drop. When you’ve been around the internets as much as I have, you’ve seen it all. So seeing something new and shocking is a day-maker.

My hot n’ sexy internet girlfriend, Jenny Grace, sent me a link to may be one of the most shocking sites I’ve seen in months, and that’s saying a lot. Plus the fact that this is totally safe for work, and it’s still THAT shocking? That, my friendlies, is very hard to find.

Triply awesome is that I grew up in a town where Mullet (the fish) is celebrated in an annual festival where Billy Ray Cyrus got his start, Natural Light is a food group, and hearing the hunting dogs howling in the woods is a normal Friday night, and I’ve NEVER seen this.

I present to you…
(...)
Read the rest of This? Is not OK: Camo Formal Edition (133 words)

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2010. | Permalink | 30 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: camo, camoflauge, dress, formal, prom, wedding

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