Thursday Thirteen: 13-1 answers to your deepest darkest weeniest questions

On a serious note, your questions were really weeny.  If you have better questions for me, I’ll answer more next week if more are asked. Jeez, peeps. Grow a pair and ask!

Bronson Said: I won’t get to see my Mom this weekend, but want to send her something, something not flowers, got any ideas or guidelines?
Easy answer: Porn. That or chocolate. Either would make a good mom happy.

Amanda (Shamelessly Sassy) Said: What is the best Christmas gift you have ever received?
1st place: TiVo. Changed my life for.ev.er. Mama LOVES some DVR.
2nd place: $1000 cash. Only happened once, but every year, I wish and I wish and I wish.

Tara R Said: what would you do if your mom moved into your house… I’m gonna need some ideas since my mom moved in last week!
I’d allow her to clean.

if you had to move somewhere else where would it be?
Canada. Probably Vancouver. May be a reality if Obama or Clinton doesn’t make it into office.

what do you hope your girls grow up to be?
Gay. Boys are icky.

Angie’s Favourite Sister Said: Have you ever tried to kill your baby sister? If so, how and why?
CLEARLY, YOUR perception of “kill” and my perception of “kill” are a bit different. You may have THOUGHT I was trying to kill you by dunking your head under water repeatedly while laughing at you trying to catch your breath. But I blame you for hanging around me when you, as the younger sister, needed to get your own damn friends, and then you wouldn’t have those horrible laughable memories.

Sister-In-Lay Said: So waht are you going to get for your AWESOME sister in law for her up coming 29th b-day?
I wasn’t aware I had a Sister-In-Lay. But I’m getting my sister-in-law a whole wad of nothing. How about a hug? Eh? Hug?

Xbox4NappyRash Said: What could I say to you to make you send me cash buck money?
Is “cash buck” like a butt load? The Euro-to-classy-American lingo didn’t quite make it, so I’ll assume you mean butt load of money. I guess if you told me you have a guarantee pill to make me lose 25 75 pounds without the side effects of alli, I’d send a cash buck.

Little Miss Sunshine State Said: When your cutie-patootie girls get bigger will you let Hockeyman put them on a Pee-Wee hockey team?
I want Anna to start tomorrow.

Or will you say Noooooooo and make them take ballet instead? Because Geez, they’re GIRLS and all.
They can do hockey and ballet together if they want. I guess you can call that figure skating, but don’t tell Patrick that.

Earlier this week, my mind went blank for the 157th 1st time this week, so I asked my tens of readers for questions for me to answer. Here are the almost honest answers:

1.  VDog asked, “Do you really think you’re a yuppie??”
a: No. A yuppie is considered to have money. I don’t have any. Well, not enough.

2. Cyndi asked, “How about your own spin on “Half-Nekkid Thursday”…..like “Half-Nekkid EVERYDAY”???”
a: What the heck is “Half-Nekkid Thursday”? If it means I have to be 1/2 naked, then I don’t believe in it. It should be outlawed. If it means any of my Laminated List mens or womens are 1/2 naked, then YES! Absolutely! I think it should be a law inacted! Much more important than universal healthcare or equal rights!

3. Light asked, “What made you start this blog?  Any blog tips?”
a: I started this blog after being inspired by (my now friend) Dawn at Because I Said So. I know I’ll never be the blogger amongst bloggers she’s become, and that’s not my intention, but I liked having a forum for attention connecting with people.
I don’t have blog tips except make it pretty or interesting-looking. And be funny. And write with proper-ish grammar.

How many licks does it take to get the center of tootsie roll pop?
I’ve always heard three. I’ll go with that.

Did you watch Big Brother?  Your thoughts on the finale?
Did I watch BB??? That’s like asking Dick Cheney if he’s the devil! Of course - I am a BB whore! Short of buying the online 24/7 feed, I watch EVERY friggin show. Finale? Sucks major shitballs. Adam is a creepo, but better than Natalie winning.

4.  Hockeyman asked, “How about why Hockeyman is the greatest person in the world after you get past all the people who actually do something aside from planting on the couch to watch sports on TV?”
I married you. If that doesn’t serve your purpose on feeling like the greatest man in the world, you need some serious medical intervention. You hit the marriage jackpot, sucka.

5. Angie’s Favorite Sister asked, “How about a post about how excited you are to be an aunt for the first time?  Geeze…  Can a pregnant girl get a little love around here?”
I’m crazy-excited to be an aunt!!! The kibosh was put on me to stay quiet for so long about you being knocked up, I forgot I could talk about it. Send me some friggin belly pics, and I’ll put them up.

6. Jess asked, “Maybe you could write about how to really get into the blogger world and have blogger friends because I just can’t seem to get with it or, I’m doing it all wrong?”
#1 advice - comment comment comment on other’s blogs. #2 advice - reply to your commentors. #3 advice - chat on IM with people you find interesting. #4 advice - LEAVE YOUR LINK IN YOUR COMMENTS! I couldn’t link back to your blog b/c the address you left in your comments wasn’t valid. I’m not really one for advice b/c I only have 10s of loyal readers whom I LOVE.

7. PG asked, “What’s better and why… Monkeys or Giraffes?”
Very simple answer: monkeys. Looking past the fact that monkeys eat their own poo and pick their buttholes, monkeys are funny. Or maybe that’s why they are funny.
Monkeys are cute. I can call my kids a monkey for being silly. Who calls their kid a giraffe? “That was so long-necked of you, Johnny! You really stretched out there to get that leaf off the tree, you little giraffe!” Doesn’t happen.

8. Little Miss Sunshine State asked, “How about a little LOVE STORY? How and why did you and Hockeyman meet and fall in love?”
He was cute. I was cute. He was horny. I was horny. We were 18. We worked together. We hooked up. He saved me. I saved him.

9. justmylife asked, “What did you eat at Chik-fil-A?”
Spicy Chicken Wrap w/ fries dipped in mayo and ketchup with unsweet tea

10. Carolyn B. asked, “You could try one of the blog projects out there, like http://www.x365.org/”
I can’t stick with anything that requires me to be responsible to anyone else. Except raise kids, and the jury’s still out on that.

11. Dark room asked, “I love your template! One of my favorite colour combinations.”
Not a question, but I always take compliments from exotics who over-use “u” in words. I love Canadians and Europeans! You guys are so cute; I just want to put you in my pocket and dance! Thanks!

12. Kim asked, “a picture of your workstation at home. a picture of your favorite flip flops.”
Ha - workstation? I sit on a recliner with my wiener next to me and my compy on my lap. Next to me is piles o’paperwork and toys and old drink cups.

Don’t mind the kids’ legs on the couch. She’s been given vodka to sleeeeeeep…..

Flip flops - I haven’t been able to wear traditional flip flops since I broke my foot in a very tragic, mentally-scaring incident a year and a half ago. All of my flip flops have to have an arch. But these are my favorites.

Pile from which the shoes were picked:

13. XBox4NappyRash asked, “Tell us how much you have in the bank.”
I’m so sorry you weren’t more specific on that question. I really would have told you, but since I have about 5 bank accounts under 3 names, I’m not so sure to which bank account you are referring. So, so sorry. Try being more specific next time, loser.

Since it’s Thursday Thirteen, I’m limited to only 13 questions today. I don’t follow rules.

Have a question you need answered? Keep asking - I’ll answer all of my fan’s deepest, darkest inquiries in the next day or five.

Bronson & Steph - quit lurking. I know you’re there. Stalkers.

why is it
that someone
with so many imaginary fans
can seem so
invisible
with far-reaching
family
friends
to lean on
can live
in a self-made
bubble

i see you

Thursday 13 + 7

Continuing…

61. There’s always something else I should be doing. Always. Like now, I should be preparing orders for tomorrow’s shipment or folding laundry or doing dishes or sleeping.

62. My nickname in High School was Fro. See: The Hair

63. Is it me, or is the fact that a size 8 is considered “plus size” highly irrational?

64. I have bad skin. Like 14-year-old boy bad. Not the kind that scars my face for life, but it’s always been a problem. No, Proactiv didn’t help. No, spending $145 on Arbonne didn’t help. No, Neutrogena didn’t help. I’m now on a special antibiotic and zit cream to help. I’t snot It’s not really helping.

65. I got my husband to start a blog, but he’s not “blogging.” Argh. Why don’t people listen to me?

66. How AWESOME would it be if pot were legal?

67. I don’t get this new wave of “rock music” like Fall Out Boy, Good Charlotte, etc. I guess I’m now old.

68. I want to watch more movies, but that takes time and uninterrupted focus. See: blogging.

69. Perfumes and smells give me headaches. I’m getting older.

70. Most organized religions confuse me.

71. I love the way my girls smell, sans shitty diapers.

72. We owe $80k more on our house than for what we can sell it. See: Real Estate Bubble BURST

73. I just got a tax bill that will scare you out of your skivvies. Please, for the love of Oprah & the IRS, shop in my store.

74. I’m trying to become a better photographer like Secret Agent Mama. See: #61

75. I want desperately to donate to a charity, but there are SO many from which to choose. If I donate to one, the others get jealous. They all need my spare $12.

76. I’m lucky I didn’t get pregnant before I got married. But who isn’t, right Sluts? HIGH-FIVE!

77. I’ll consider myself lucky if I don’t get pregnant during the next 15 years of my fertile womanhood. That, and I’ll sue the urologist who performed HockeyMan’s vascectomy.

78. I’m addicted to sugar. I guess that’s better than heroin.

79. Apparently I’m a horrible snorer. Apparently I kept my mom, dad, and sister up for 2 nights before they bought me Breathe Right strips and a throat spray and it helped on night 3. Apparently HockeyMan sleeps right through the nightly nose symphony while he’s off in Ambienland.

80. I suffer from sporadic bouts of explosive diarrhea. Sexy, right?

Thursday 13 + 7

Continuing…

41. Stupid people really annoy me. Not people who don’t have the ability to learn, but the people who refuse to learn. Take, for example, family members who feed their babies an entire piece of chocolate cake. I’m no mother-of-the-year, but for Jeebus-sake, read a book and know you don’t feed babies chocolate.

42. I hate apathetic people. Get a backbone and take a side or have an opinion.

43. I wish I knew how to understand Spanish. It’d be nice to speak it, but I at least wanna know what the Spanish-speaking people at Wal-Mart are saying behind my back.

44. I wear a size 16. At Lane Bryant. Sometimes.

45. I like wearing silly shoes, but I need more confidence and money to wear them more.

46. I have NO concept of why baby and child beauty pageants exist. Wait - I do have a concept. Moms who enter their kids into the pageants are living vicariously through their children.

47. I’m not religious. I believe myself to be spiritual at times, but not religious. I’ve never been to a church of a regular basis, so when people discuss the Bible, I don’t get 95% of what they’re saying. I need to learn more not for the faith aspect, but for the history.

48. I have two nasty dogs. Well, 1 nasty dog and 1 who has to live with the nasty dog. Nasty as in she drinks her own pee. I’ll stop there.

49. Someday soon, I will get my fat-ass to do the splits.

50. I love being in water and swimming.

51. I was a lifeguard at a Girl Scout camp when I was 16. Every day I was terrified that I’d have to save someone. Luckily I didn’t.

52. I’ve never lost a swimming race. Especially against my sister’s one arm swimming technique.

53. I hate money. But only when I don’t have any.

54. I was intensely moved by seeing Spring Awakening on Broadway in February. If I could, I’d pay for all of my readers to go see it.

55. I have recently come to terms with myself and my body. I REFUSE to let my body stop me from doing anything.

56. I have my dream home pictured in my head, but it changes every time I watch House Hunters.

57. Forget #55. I wish I had nicer boobs. Not necessarily bigger but a nicer shape.

58. I love sauce. Marinara sauce, cheese sauce, honey mustard sauce, Ranch sauce, BBQ sauce, etc. WPAT & XBox - say no more…

59. I have a pointy nose. So does my mom. So does my sister.

60. “Crazy eyes” scare me.

Thursday Thirteen + 7

100 Things: #21-40 Click for #s 1-20

21. I ABHORE chicken on pizza. Blech… I can’t even think about it w/o getting shivers. Add BBQ sauce to it - disGUSting.

22. I love BBQ. Good BBQ. Any BBQ. Just don’t put it on pizza. Just wrong.

23. In my adult life, I once weighed 123 pounds. That’s just funny.

24. I’m a Democrat, but I can’t decide between Clinton and Obama. I’ll let em fight it out or join up.

25. I see evil in Dick Cheney’s eyes.

26. I feel that I have a sense of people. (see #25)

27. I can pick people out with “crazy eyes.” And stay away from them.

28. I hate beer. All beer. I’ve tried. Really hard. Can’t do it.

29. I am a mashed potato connoisseur. Homemade (best - not mine), Idaho potatoes (not red), no gravy. DEEEEELISH. Send me your mashed potatoes, and I’ll give you a thumbs up or a thumbs way up. I’ve never met a mashed potato I haven’t liked. Unless you count the mashed glop that can happen w/o proper cooking temperature. Mom…

30. I will never be a skin model. I suffer with the oh-so-lucky affliction of acne. I love having the skin of a 14-year-old boy. Fun.

31. I know that in my future I will be a lottery winner. I don’t play, but I have a feeling I WILL win. That’ll show you.

32. I could eat Taco Bell every day. I know it’s disgusting. I’ve read the first few chapters of Fast Food Nation. But man, they’ve got a hold on me.

33. I take Zoloft. You do want me out of the looney bin, right? I’m discovering this is a family-wide issue. Good luck kids!

34. I make a MEAN meatloaf sandwich.

35. The older I get, the more I like vinegar. Malt vinegar. Balsamic vinegar. Red wine vinegar. I’m hungry.

36. I haven’t met a fresh baked good that I haven’t liked.

37. I’m overweight. (see #36)

38. I get excited when I see I have post comments. I feel the love.

39. I’ve been making bloggy friends and chatting online (hi Dawn, Dawn, Mishi, Kim, V, & XBox!)

40. The tiny brain behind XBox4NappyRash is my husband’s long lost twin. I’m sure of it. It’s creepy.

Yeah, so this whole “economy going downhill and we’re all gonna be destitute in 9.4 months” is kinda scary. Scary in a way that sucks. Scary in a way that makes me wanna do something.

I’m a business owner. I never really thought I’d say that, but I have to admit, I like saying it. I try my best to make my business a professional, customer-driven company. Staying alive in the upcoming (and current) downturn in the economy (stupid) is going to be VERY important to my sanity family.

I want to start a grass-roots campaign to help support small businesses such as my own. I want to feel love from my fellow online bloggy community. I don’t mean shop in my store and only my store and spend every last “extra” dollar you have on my website. I mean support the small business online and where you live.

The small businesses are what is going to keep our economy (stupid) from hitting the crapper. Trust me - WalMart, Target, and any other Big Box stores are NOT going to go under just because you stop buying every little thing you need from them just because you can save $1.45.

Small businesses, like mine and other mom-owned web stores, will suffer and be forced out of business without your help.

I guarandamntee you that you WILL find deals and competitively-priced products from small business. Try the sites. Spend a few extra minutes online and see what’s out there.

For my Thursday 13, I give you 13 of some GREAT online stores, all of which are run by moms. You never know what you might find!

1. Good for the Kids - My beloved online store. Of course I’d be first!

2. B3 Boutique - mom-owned

3. Scrapless Creations - mom-owned

4. Super Healthy Kids - mom-owned

5. Allison Strine Designs - mom-owned Etsy store

6. My Little Monkey Boutique - mom-owned

7. Three Chickadees - moms-owned

8. I Wanted to Wonder - mom/mom-owned

9. Red Thread Confections - mom-owned DELICIOUS gourmet chocolates

10. Emily Allyn - mom-owned

11. For the Monster - mom-owned cloth diaper store

12. Mom Spit - mom-owned - I use this stuff EVERY day

13. Tees for Change - mom-owned - I LOOOOOVE her “green” shirts

I URGE you to start shopping with us small guys. It’s not only economy-friendly, it’s eco-friendly! Really!

I’ll be listing more online small businesses in later posts, so please please please spread the word to shop online with other small businesses. Even if you don’t post about it, spend a few $$ and help everyone.

I’ve been away for pretty much 2 weeks. And that sucks. I was first in NY for the humongoid Toy Fair, which was F.U.N. fun. When HockeyMan and I returned last Wed, we knew it might be short-lived b/c his grandmother was sick. She unfortunately passed away last Thurs night. So I decided (a bit too quickly I know now) that he should go BACK to NY (his family is from Long Island) and I would go to my parent’s house until today since they had my girls.

Oh, lordy. Mama can NOT live without her precious internets. Backstory - my mom’s compy died a few weeks ago, and with it, the internets connection went with it. So for the past 5 days, I’ve had spotty - at best - internets service. All of this travel has put me back, oh, 2 WEEKS on my website orders. Talk about some PISSED off customers. What can I do? I am but a one-woman company.

Anyhoo, here’s my 13 reasons why I LOVE being home:

1. It’s MY HOUSE. MINE.

2. It smells like MY HOUSE.

3. My DVR. How I’ve missed you Big Brother, RW/RR Challenge, ANTM, Mad Men, L Word, etc.

4. My bed. Nothing compares to your own bed.

5. My internets connection. Ahhhhh…. Continuous service!

6. Mess. My mother lives with NO mess. I can’t think straight with all that neatness.

7. My chair. My ass fits perfectly in MY chair.

8. My shower. All MY stuff is in there. And in full size bottles.

9. My toilet. I can crap away all I want in MY toilet.

10. My yard. I can let my dogs out without a leash to poo amongst the weeds.

11. My girls’ bedroom. They have their own beds. Ahhhh….

12. My Taco Bell. Even though I’ve decided not to eat fast food, I like MY Taco Bell.

13. MY INTERNETS.

1. Squeeze hugs around my neck.

2. Snoring in my face.

3. “Hi, Mama!”

4. “I made this for you.”

5. Spongebob Cheeze

6. Piithaa

7. “I wanna go to the park.”

8. Diapers

9. Cute outfits

10. Pig tails

11. Messy face

12. “That’s MIIIIIIIINE!!!”

13. “I love you, Mama”

Thursday Thirteen

I love you!

In honor of V-Day (and Mishi told me I had to), here’s 13 ways I say, “I love you”:

1. You da bomb.

2. Lurve ya.

3. You kinda stink. Can you take a shower before we…?

4. That was a GOOD one (fart)!

5. Later.

6. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

7. Miss you.

8. You make pretty babies.

9. Thanks for bringing me home a McFlurry!

10. Yes, you can take my girlfriend out on a date.

11. Here’s the remote.

12. Thanks.

13. You are such a dork.

I love you.