I love you!

In honor of V-Day (and Mishi told me I had to), here’s 13 ways I say, “I love you”:

1. You da bomb.

2. Lurve ya.

3. You kinda stink. Can you take a shower before we…?

4. That was a GOOD one (fart)!

5. Later.

6. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

7. Miss you.

8. You make pretty babies.

9. Thanks for bringing me home a McFlurry!

10. Yes, you can take my girlfriend out on a date.

11. Here’s the remote.

12. Thanks.

13. You are such a dork.

I love you.

13 Promises I broke made before I had kids:

1. I will never be “that mom” that goes everywhere in a t-shirt and sweats. They’re not sweats. They’re housepants.

2. I will continue to work to pay for my college loans. Those have to be paid back? Does Sallie Mae take scribbles on paper as payment?

3. I will continue to have a life of my own. By “life,” did I mean change human poo diapers and suffer through The Bee Movie?

4. I will discipline my kids to follow all of the rules I set. That’s a good one.

5. I will not allow my kids to have a TV in their bedroom. That one just fell through today. 3 1/2 years is good, right?

6. I will not allow my kids to whine or cry in public. Still intact. Believe me. OK, don’t.

7. I will feed my kids homemade, natural organic foods. Like Eggos, Ritz Bits, and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

8. I will not use bribery to get my kids to do what I ask. We’re using a trip on the Disney Cruise as incentive to potty train. Seriously. And they still won’t do it. I wonder if they’re mine.

9. I will not allow my kids to watch more than 30 minutes of TV a day. Sorry. Can’t be done in this house.

10. I will never dress my kids in matching outfits. Come on! My girls were meant to be dressed in coordinating outfits! Look at them!

11. I will start formally educating my kids early to instill a love of learning. They’ll catch up in Pre-K.

12. I will take my kids outside on a regular basis for physical activity. It’s too hot…..

13. I will not allow my kids to eat at McDonald’s for as long a humanly possible. I’ve actually kept to that one! I CAN keep a promise! I’m not saying they’ve never had fast food - just not Mickey D’s. It’s more my thing. I can’t eat McD or my sphincter will no longer be my friend. TMI, I know.

Thursday 13

Thirteen gifts we’re giving The Boss and Trouble for Christmas:

1. Melissa & Doug pretend food - What? MY kids getting stuff that I sell? *By the way - that right there is shameless self-promotion.*

2. Play kitchen - learn ‘em early - Do as I say, not as I do.

3. “The Green Computer” - LeapFrog ClickStart

4. Games for the Green Computer

5. Friggin Pizza Elmo - Trouble SHRIEKS when she plays with it in the store. Lord help me now.

6. Bannaids - stocking stuffers

7. New Hallmark ornaments - that will make Grandma Karen VERY happy. To give you an idea of how happy this will make her, picture her Christmas Tree(s): 800 ornaments. Yes, 800. 1/2 of which are moving, lighting up, or moving & lighting up. She doesn’t have inheritance. She has Hallmark ornaments. She is the woman who waits outside “her” store in July when the put the first ornaments out for the year. What does this mean for us? When she kicks the bucket, we’re eBaying those suckers. CHA-CHING!

8. Wonder Pets Stuffed Animals - The phone. The phone is ringing. The phone. We’ll be right there.

9. Books - various Dora, Mickey Mouse, and Elmo award-winning, educational literature.

10. DVDs - various Dora, Mickey Mouse, and Elmo award-winning, educational cinema.

11. New Princess TV - because 4 TVs isn’t enough for our house.

12. Pinky Dinky Doo, Tyler Dinky Doo, & Mr. Guinea Pig - I sell them. *Shameless self-promotion.*

13. Whatever other random gifts I can throw in at the last minute from what I sell.

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Check out more of what I sell at Good for the Kids, and some other great stuff at Mamas Like, dammit!

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After a week of having a sore throat (thought it was tonsillitis), it finally got better. Until last night. The wall hit. Chills, fever, sore neck, swollen glands. So here are the 13 reasons it sucks to have strep throat:

1. It friggin hurts. Major. Hurt.

2. I can’t swallow.

3. Because I can’t swallow, I think I need to swallow.

4. I had to wait in the walk-in clinic for 2 friggin hours to see the doctor for ~ no joke ~ 45 seconds.

5. I can’t enjoy food at all.

6. I can’t move my neck.

7. I can’t brush my teeth. Blech.

8. I have to gargle with some mouth pain med that doesn’t work.

9. I have to take an antibiotic. They scare me. Now I have to drink yogurt. If you don’t know why, look it up.

10. I can’t talk. When I do, it friggin hurts.

11. It hurts to cough.

12. I’m friggin tired.

13. It FRIGGIN HURTS.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I love my TiVo. Seriously. I love it. If I wasn’t married already, I’d hook up with TiVo. It’s an integral part of our family. TiVo has been with us before we had our girls. I dare say, without TiVo, we would not be the family we are now. Season Pass, 7-second jump-back, pause live TV, and search by title are just some of the characteristics of my beloved.

But as life changes and technology improves, TiVo must move out of the living room. My love is not going far - just into the bedroom. I’m sure TiVo will be happy in there to be used only an hour a day as opposed to the 15 it’s used to. I’d like to think of it as retirement.

Who, pray tell, is moving in on TiVo’s territory? A brand-spanking-new DirecTV HD DVR. Oh yes. When Mr. DirecTVinstallationman delivers my new transporter-of-all-that-is-new-and-good-in-HD-on-satellite-TV, I will have to forgo my TiVo for a regular ole DVR.

So, in saying farewell to my TiVo and its Season Pass, I am posting the top 13 Season Passes on my beloved. I thought about going in and changing them around to make it look more smarter than I am, but we’ll just check it now and see what happens to show up. At this second as I write, I have no idea the order it’s in. (For those of you who aren’t familiar with a TiVo Season Pass, you tell TiVo to record every show that you like and you rank them on what to record first and prioritize.) Here it goes (press: TiVo - Pick Programs to Record - Season Pass Manager):

1. Saturday Night Live - Good to watch, but should NOT be #1.

2. Cane - Good new show. Should be lower on the priority list.

3. Traveler - Good show, but not actually on the air now. I hope it comes back.

4. Lost - Best show, but wont be on until January.

5. Heroes - Great show even HockeyMan watches.

6. My Name is Earl - Herlarious

7. The Office - The BEST show on TV. Should be #1.

8. ER - Still great.

9. Grey’s Anatomy - Great show.

10. 24 - Ahhh… Kiefer…

11. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation - I haven’t seen it this year yet because Grey’s and The Office are on at the same time. Next week - two DVRs so Mama can watch it!

12. Family Guy - HockeyMan requires that this should be #1, but he doesn’t look.

13. The L Word - On hiatus at the moment, but an awesome show.

In summary, I will miss my TiVo, but it will not go far. Just steps away in the next room. But I will still miss you, my beloved TiVo. And I am going now to fix this SNL-at-the-#1-position-crap.

That’s where America’s Next Top Model should be.

TiVoTiVoTiVoTiVoTiVoTiVoTiVoTiVoTiVoTiVoTiVoTiVoTiVoTiVoTiVoTiVo

Excuses, excuses.

1. My foot hurts. I broke it last Xmas Eve, and it still kind of aches. Sympathy?

2. Cramps. I’m a girl. I get to pull that card at least 1 time a month.

3. I have to work. Does reading TMZ count as work?

4. I’m hungry. Can you get something for me to eat? Taco Bell?

5. I have laundry waiting for me to fold, so I can’t do ANYthing else until it’s done in about a week.

6. My head hurts. I’m a girl. See #2.

7. I have to scientifically and methodically mold the minds of play with the girls. Valid, right?

8. I have to go to the grocery store. If I don’t come back for 2 hours, send rescue. I’m just too happy to be out by myself to recognize the time-space continuum.

9. Can’t YOU do it?

10. Watch this that I just recorded/is on YouTube! The art of distraction.

11. My stomach hurts. Taco Bell?

12. Did you hear that? I think an email just came through. Let me check to see what it was.

13. I don’t WANNA!

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Thursday Thirteen - What I should be doing now to prepare for the arrival of the Parental Units.

1. Folding laundry. All 10 loads.

2. Cleaning off the kitchen table. Or doesn’t junk mail, canned goods, crayons, paper, and purses belong there?

3. Vacuuming. It’s late. Don’t want to wake the kids. They actually went to bed before 10. Shhhhh…

4. Picking up toys. What’s the point. Really?

5. Cleaning the toy room. See #4.

6. Preparing shipments for tomorrow. Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?

7. Cleaning my dogs’ asses - OOF - they stink.

8. Putting away luggage. We JUST got back 4 weeks ago.

9. Take a shower. See #4.

10. Clean out the garage. Oh, Lord. Don’t get me started. Don’t EVEN get me started.

11. Cleaning my car. Oops! Can’t! HockeyMan took the T&C to hockey with him! I guess he’ll have to do it. But he won’t.

12. Unloading the dishes. Yes, they actually made it into the dishwasher. See #4.

13. Deodorizing the dog cage that sits next to the foldout couch where the Parental Units will be sleeping. See #7.

HAPPY PLACE. HAPPY PLACE. HAPPY PLACE.

HAPPY PILLS. HAPPY PILLS. HAPPY PILLS. I will be doubling up - that is FO SHO.

It will be a great weekend, once they get past the initial shock of messiness, but I have accepted and embraced this.

I’m happy! No worries! It’s a good thing!

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