I grew up in a time where there was no DVR *gasp* and we only had 2 TVs in the whole house *gasp*. One TV in the family room, and one TV in my parent’s bedroom. We lived like that for 18 years until I bought my own TV. Tough times, I know.

Kids nowadays have at least 4 TVs in the house, at least one DVR, and several DVD players. (Where I say “kids nowadays” I mean my spoiled kids.) When my girls are home all day for a vacation or just me & Claire on a Friday, they aren’t stuck watching my shows.

They are lucky lucky bastards.

OK, so not really bastards cause they have a daddy.

But still, they’re friggin lucky.

They have DVRd Yo Gabba Gabbas, DVDs of Elmo, and a whole TV tuned into Nick Jr 24/7.

And? AND? I just took a break from writing this post (really, just now) to BUY a friggin “Martha Speaks” episode for MY iPhone for THEM to watch.

Spoiled.

Also, lame.

Which, brings me back to how lame it is that my kids don’t have to sit through the shows I had to sit through as a kid.

Quality shows like “All My Children” and “Guiding Light” (RIP).

My mother was addicted. In fact, until about 6 months ago, she would DVR every single episode of “One Life to Live” and “Guiding Light” and watch every single minute.

Which brings me to these days where I don’t watch soaps.

Also, I lied.

I watch one: “All My Children.”

I mean, it’s on. I don’t watch-watch it. I don’t DVR it. I don’t rewind unless it’s important.

But my kids will never have to suffer through know about Erica Kane and her 11 husbands, how Greenlee came back from the dead, how Tad Martin is everybody’s dad, what really happened to Dixie, how the TV world still mourns Stuart’s passing, and wonder just why Ryan had sex with Erica. I mean, ew. That’s just… ew.

Are my kids ever going to understand the complexities of Pine Valley and how people come back from the dead at least twice or how marriages never last or how DNA tests can be bought off?

I can only feel sorry for them and their lack of soap opera knowledge.

I’m pretty much a semi-obsessive.

Fortunately it’s not anything bad like cocaine, or alcohol, or plastic surgery (OH EM GEE, have you seen the “new” Heidi Montag? Fake face, much?)

My semi-obsession wants wain with the wind. (Alliteration much?) It could be books (hello, Twilight!), hot dogs (every day for lunch), games (play me on Words with Friends – awholelotofnothing), or a TV show (oh, Weeds, when will you return?).

Currently, it’s Dexter.

If you’ve been reading me for a while or if you know me for reals, you know I’m a TV whore. I’m not signing up to take part in a “TV-Free Week” with my kids. I’m not purging my DVR list. I’m not turning it off for the good of the green earth. (I bought a carbon offset for my UPS shipment today. That $.30 should carry me over for my inner Earth Mother for at least a month.)

Don’t you dare make me turn off my 50 inches of plasma love. Do you realize what happened the last time I went without a giant TV? Major breakdownage. 3 whole months without HDTV. I know. I still shudder.

And now, Dexter. It’s a shocker SHOCKER SHOCKER for you to hear that I’ve never watched it. I know. I. KNOW! After literally years of hearing all the good stuff about it, I finally decided I needed to watch it. But how?

Netflix.

I *tingle* as I type it: **Netflix**

(did you feel it? i totally did.)

I signed back up for the 4th or 5th time. Every other time I’ve signed up, we’d get a movie then keep it for 3 months and eventually send it back when we paid enough in monthly fees to pay for 4 movies. bygones.

I got my disk in the mail, put it in (that’s what she said), and WHAM BAM, THANK YOU MA’AM.

Instant obsession.

I watched the first two seasons in 4 days on DVD and on my lappy. Yes, I’d sit here, Tweet, blog, listen to hockey, and watch Dexter.

I totally wanna lick on Dexter’s Michael C. Hall’s tum tum.

I mean. Look.

He’s the best-looking serial killer since Ted Bundy, but that creepo was totally un-doable. Plus I was like un-born and a baby when he was on his rampage when he killed those innocent girls. Not that it would have totally stopped him, cause, you know, he was a crazy serial killer. Dexter Morgan only kills bad guys who deserve it. He’s a good guy by default. And he can’t help it, right? RIGHT? Otherwise, why would Oprah bestow those abs on such a bad man?

What’s your current semi- or full-on obsession?

What could be worse than my husband leaving me?*

Worse than cleaning out peanut butter puke from a car seat?

Worse than being puked on TWO times in one day?**

My poor, poor TV is broken.

Kablam. One minute I’m watching Ellen while folding laundry, then next and boom and a hummmmm. The lights and colors flicker.

No more TV light engine.

(Anna says it just needs a rest. I concur – 14 hours a day may be considered over-use.)

No worries though – we bought the $300 service plan!

Awwww… shit.

The company is out of business. Thanks, George W Bush!

A $4000, 3-1/2-year-old TV is shit unless we can fix it for less than $400. To have a TV repair guy come and LOOK at the friggin thing costs $150. No shit.

I wish I could make $150 for looking at a TV. I’d be a gajillionaire by now.

Before
maybe my nasty-ass toenails scared the TV

After

It’s so teeny tiny.

If anyone is available to trade a TV for my body, I will consider all offers. Or I may trade a kid.*** Whatever gets me a new TV.
_________________________

*No worries. He’s not leaving me this week. Check back next.

**Claire’s last puke was last night, so I think we’re in the clear.

***Please don’t believe I’d sell my body. I may still consider trading a kid.

_________________________

Oh sweet fucking Jeebus and Oprah. Just as I was ready to hit ‘Publish’, the 11-year-old WeeTV lost its picture. Yes, people. LOST. ITS. PICTURE.

I beat it to death and threatened it, so it came back to life. It better not do that again. Or it’s the trash for the WeeTV, too.