What do I do about a very close friend who is in a relationship

That was doomed from the start?

That has never worked?

That never will work?

That started in chaos?

That continues in chaos?

That has ended more times that even she knows?

That starts back up even more?

That is emotionally draining?

That makes her feel bad about herself?

That makes me feel bad about myself?

That makes all of our friends sad.

That makes me sad.

My imaginary IM bloggy friend, Amanda at Shamlessly Sassy, has demanded I answer her pressing question.

I sit here tired, weaning off meds (cause my friggin Dr. office won’t call me back), and busy beyond belief. (But I’m kind of glad to post tonight b/c my mom is here in town and won’t be reading my blog for a few days, so hopefully she won’t go back in the archives and find this.)

I wasn’t even planning on posting tonight. THAT’S how tired I am.

But NOOOOOO. Miss Sassy is stalking me, demanding/pleading/begging me to write about peni. The peen. The man stick. The love stick.

I am giving in. I will answer:

“New question: What do you think about penises? Have you ever been randomly flashed by a stranger? If there was a new handy computer tool called a penis, would you use it?” 

THINK about them? I try not to. I’m gay. My husband knows.

Randomly flashed? No, thank GOD.

New handy computer tool? Does it count as a computer if it runs on batteries? If so, then yes, I use it.

Happy now, Miss Sassy?

How about questions for YOU since you FORCED me to answer tonight - How much do you weigh? How much did you weigh when you graduated high school?

Personal enough for you?

Thursday Thirteen: 13-1 answers to your deepest darkest weeniest questions

On a serious note, your questions were really weeny.  If you have better questions for me, I’ll answer more next week if more are asked. Jeez, peeps. Grow a pair and ask!

Bronson Said: I won’t get to see my Mom this weekend, but want to send her something, something not flowers, got any ideas or guidelines?
Easy answer: Porn. That or chocolate. Either would make a good mom happy.

Amanda (Shamelessly Sassy) Said: What is the best Christmas gift you have ever received?
1st place: TiVo. Changed my life for.ev.er. Mama LOVES some DVR.
2nd place: $1000 cash. Only happened once, but every year, I wish and I wish and I wish.

Tara R Said: what would you do if your mom moved into your house… I’m gonna need some ideas since my mom moved in last week!
I’d allow her to clean.

if you had to move somewhere else where would it be?
Canada. Probably Vancouver. May be a reality if Obama or Clinton doesn’t make it into office.

what do you hope your girls grow up to be?
Gay. Boys are icky.

Angie’s Favourite Sister Said: Have you ever tried to kill your baby sister? If so, how and why?
CLEARLY, YOUR perception of “kill” and my perception of “kill” are a bit different. You may have THOUGHT I was trying to kill you by dunking your head under water repeatedly while laughing at you trying to catch your breath. But I blame you for hanging around me when you, as the younger sister, needed to get your own damn friends, and then you wouldn’t have those horrible laughable memories.

Sister-In-Lay Said: So waht are you going to get for your AWESOME sister in law for her up coming 29th b-day?
I wasn’t aware I had a Sister-In-Lay. But I’m getting my sister-in-law a whole wad of nothing. How about a hug? Eh? Hug?

Xbox4NappyRash Said: What could I say to you to make you send me cash buck money?
Is “cash buck” like a butt load? The Euro-to-classy-American lingo didn’t quite make it, so I’ll assume you mean butt load of money. I guess if you told me you have a guarantee pill to make me lose 25 75 pounds without the side effects of alli, I’d send a cash buck.

Little Miss Sunshine State Said: When your cutie-patootie girls get bigger will you let Hockeyman put them on a Pee-Wee hockey team?
I want Anna to start tomorrow.

Or will you say Noooooooo and make them take ballet instead? Because Geez, they’re GIRLS and all.
They can do hockey and ballet together if they want. I guess you can call that figure skating, but don’t tell Patrick that.

Lazy Mama is back and has another challenge.

I KNOW you wanna know more about me cause I’m just that interesting.

And because I’m a lazy-ass MO FO, I challenge you, my tens (not millions like Dawn) of readers, to ask me ANY question. And yes, I’ll answer it as truthfully as I’ll let my mom read I can later this week.

So bring it on my imaginary friends. Whatcha got for me?

DO IT. All the cool kids are asking questions. Don’t you want to be a cool kid?

Continuing on… This should be short ’cause I have to pee, and I’m too lazy to get up to go.

MommyTime asked, “What the most ridiculous thing you did in your teens?  in your 20s?  Pictures not necessary but of course an added bonus…”
Most ridiculous thing I did. Hmmm. I’m not sure if you mean ridiculous “stupid” or ridiculous “silly.” Here are some options:
- In my teens, I broke up with my long-time boyfriend over the phone during a commercial break in BH 90120. I still feel bad. Not that I feel bad “regret” feel bad. Just was dumb.
- In 9th grade I had my hair cut to resemble a mushroom and wore a pink lace dress.
- During high school, I always had a boyfriend. ALWAYS. I needed attention. That’s pretty ridiculous.
- In my 20s, I went to a friend’s wedding and got falling-down drunk in front of old high school “friends” and puked in one of their cars.

K8Spade noted, “Oh, and p.s, I’m subscribed to you, so you better get your ass in gear and give me somethin to work with. I gotta pull the baby out of the dog crate again.”
Back off, bitch. I’m working here. And the comment about the baby in the dog crate? I think I love you.

Deb - Mom of 3 Girls noted, “I’m always up for cute kid pictures…  :)”
Awww… shucks. I don’t want to turn off my 5s of men readers (Bronson - I see you) by posting frivolous pictures of my adorable girls. So I combined cute kids with pooping. All mens like pooping.

Shamelessly Sassy asked, “What is your favorite mistake?”
Claire aka Trouble - I know, I know. Kids are not mistakes. But we weren’t planning on getting pregnant with her for 6 more months, but at least she was planned for some time. But Claire being Claire, she did it on her own terms. I was on the pill AND breast-feeding, and I STILL got knocked up. She’s very willful. Yeah - we’ll go with willful. Jebus and Oprah, help me.

Colleen asked 57 questions - here are 3, “Attempt to solve the world’s largest riddle: Why in God’s name does the older kid have to play with whatever the younger kid is playing with, even if it means abandoning a pricey electronics toy for a bowl and a wooden spoon?”
We, parents, are stupid. We think our kids have to have the best of the best to make it to the top of their class and have the highest IQ therefore thinking we need to buy expensive electronics instead of letting them discover and imagine. Wow - that was a rant on myself. Bad mommy. I’m giving them sticks and tape to play with tomorrow instead of a $2400 computer.
“If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?”
Dubai to the Burj al Arab with someone else paying.
“Of all the trips you’ve taken in your life, which was your favorite?”
I can’t pick a favorite, but one I remember is a trip to North Carolina in high school w/ my family. I just remember being really relaxed in the mountains. And for some reason, I read Helter Skelter about Charles Manson. I was a weird kid.

Tara R asked, “what do you want for mother’s day?”
Peterbrooke Malted Milk Balls.
Huh-huh. I said milk balls. Huh-huh. I said balls.

Earlier this week, my mind went blank for the 157th 1st time this week, so I asked my tens of readers for questions for me to answer. Here are the almost honest answers:

1.  VDog asked, “Do you really think you’re a yuppie??”
a: No. A yuppie is considered to have money. I don’t have any. Well, not enough.

2. Cyndi asked, “How about your own spin on “Half-Nekkid Thursday”…..like “Half-Nekkid EVERYDAY”???”
a: What the heck is “Half-Nekkid Thursday”? If it means I have to be 1/2 naked, then I don’t believe in it. It should be outlawed. If it means any of my Laminated List mens or womens are 1/2 naked, then YES! Absolutely! I think it should be a law inacted! Much more important than universal healthcare or equal rights!

3. Light asked, “What made you start this blog?  Any blog tips?”
a: I started this blog after being inspired by (my now friend) Dawn at Because I Said So. I know I’ll never be the blogger amongst bloggers she’s become, and that’s not my intention, but I liked having a forum for attention connecting with people.
I don’t have blog tips except make it pretty or interesting-looking. And be funny. And write with proper-ish grammar.

How many licks does it take to get the center of tootsie roll pop?
I’ve always heard three. I’ll go with that.

Did you watch Big Brother?  Your thoughts on the finale?
Did I watch BB??? That’s like asking Dick Cheney if he’s the devil! Of course - I am a BB whore! Short of buying the online 24/7 feed, I watch EVERY friggin show. Finale? Sucks major shitballs. Adam is a creepo, but better than Natalie winning.

4.  Hockeyman asked, “How about why Hockeyman is the greatest person in the world after you get past all the people who actually do something aside from planting on the couch to watch sports on TV?”
I married you. If that doesn’t serve your purpose on feeling like the greatest man in the world, you need some serious medical intervention. You hit the marriage jackpot, sucka.

5. Angie’s Favorite Sister asked, “How about a post about how excited you are to be an aunt for the first time?  Geeze…  Can a pregnant girl get a little love around here?”
I’m crazy-excited to be an aunt!!! The kibosh was put on me to stay quiet for so long about you being knocked up, I forgot I could talk about it. Send me some friggin belly pics, and I’ll put them up.

6. Jess asked, “Maybe you could write about how to really get into the blogger world and have blogger friends because I just can’t seem to get with it or, I’m doing it all wrong?”
#1 advice - comment comment comment on other’s blogs. #2 advice - reply to your commentors. #3 advice - chat on IM with people you find interesting. #4 advice - LEAVE YOUR LINK IN YOUR COMMENTS! I couldn’t link back to your blog b/c the address you left in your comments wasn’t valid. I’m not really one for advice b/c I only have 10s of loyal readers whom I LOVE.

7. PG asked, “What’s better and why… Monkeys or Giraffes?”
Very simple answer: monkeys. Looking past the fact that monkeys eat their own poo and pick their buttholes, monkeys are funny. Or maybe that’s why they are funny.
Monkeys are cute. I can call my kids a monkey for being silly. Who calls their kid a giraffe? “That was so long-necked of you, Johnny! You really stretched out there to get that leaf off the tree, you little giraffe!” Doesn’t happen.

8. Little Miss Sunshine State asked, “How about a little LOVE STORY? How and why did you and Hockeyman meet and fall in love?”
He was cute. I was cute. He was horny. I was horny. We were 18. We worked together. We hooked up. He saved me. I saved him.

9. justmylife asked, “What did you eat at Chik-fil-A?”
Spicy Chicken Wrap w/ fries dipped in mayo and ketchup with unsweet tea

10. Carolyn B. asked, “You could try one of the blog projects out there, like http://www.x365.org/”
I can’t stick with anything that requires me to be responsible to anyone else. Except raise kids, and the jury’s still out on that.

11. Dark room asked, “I love your template! One of my favorite colour combinations.”
Not a question, but I always take compliments from exotics who over-use “u” in words. I love Canadians and Europeans! You guys are so cute; I just want to put you in my pocket and dance! Thanks!

12. Kim asked, “a picture of your workstation at home. a picture of your favorite flip flops.”
Ha - workstation? I sit on a recliner with my wiener next to me and my compy on my lap. Next to me is piles o’paperwork and toys and old drink cups.

Don’t mind the kids’ legs on the couch. She’s been given vodka to sleeeeeeep…..

Flip flops - I haven’t been able to wear traditional flip flops since I broke my foot in a very tragic, mentally-scaring incident a year and a half ago. All of my flip flops have to have an arch. But these are my favorites.

Pile from which the shoes were picked:

13. XBox4NappyRash asked, “Tell us how much you have in the bank.”
I’m so sorry you weren’t more specific on that question. I really would have told you, but since I have about 5 bank accounts under 3 names, I’m not so sure to which bank account you are referring. So, so sorry. Try being more specific next time, loser.

Since it’s Thursday Thirteen, I’m limited to only 13 questions today. I don’t follow rules.

Have a question you need answered? Keep asking - I’ll answer all of my fan’s deepest, darkest inquiries in the next day or five.

Bronson & Steph - quit lurking. I know you’re there. Stalkers.

My brain ain’t workin.

It’s up to you, my tens of readers, to give me a topic to discuss.

You decide.

Have a question for me? I’ll answer it. Probably truthfully.

Topic of discussion? I’ll discuss it. With all the pizazz of a beige Camry.

Photograph you wanna see? I’ll post it. With fancy effects by Picnik.

It seems I’ve been bored boring lately cause my poor little comments have been lacking, and my traffic is down, so I’ll leave it to you to help a sista out with topics.

It’s bad. How bad? I was > — < close to posting what I ate today. Who the fudge cares what I ate? I can’t even remember what I had for lunch. (oh yeah - Chick-fil-a)

I’ve decided to take a more conscious outlook on what I eat. NOT a diet, cause I’ll fail. NOT a “change of lifestyle” unless it means marrying a woman.

Just to be more conscious of what I eat and how much sugar goes into my back fat.

Speaking of back fat, it’s what made me start to realize what I’m inhaling eating.

When your back fat roll meets your boob under-crease, it’s a problem.

Sexy.

Like Lotus, I’m naming mine. But they’re staying anonymous. And there will be NO pictures. Please. Stop begging.

I’m not talking drastic measures like cutting out Kraft (KRAFT) Mayo and bread (cut out bread and i’m a crazier crazy person.

I’m just saying I’ll get the Iced Skinny Vanilla Latte instead of the Iced White Chocolate Mocha. Instead of the T6 combo of 2 Baja Steak Chalupas and soft chicken taco at Taco Bell, I’ll get the 3 soft chicken taco combo. I may still get the Mtn Dew, but I’ll really try to get the iced tea. At least it’s brewed there and not some crapass iced tea syrup drink. I’m southern. I likes my iced tea BREWED.

So, now that I’ve had my ONE, NOT TWO, Giada’s brownie topped with Nutella, chocolate chips, and hazelnuts, I’m drinking some water to wash it down.

See, it’s starting already.

Poop seems to be the theme of this blog lately, but it’s fitting coming from Messy House.

Photo I took of an ACTUAL sign in London, England. Those crazy Brits.

why is it
that someone
with so many imaginary fans
can seem so
invisible
with far-reaching
family
friends
to lean on
can live
in a self-made
bubble

i see you