I really could never be a drag queen.

That shit is work. Not like, “You better WORK!” work. But, like actual work in prepping my body shaving and manscaping and buying clothes and stuff.

I’ve had the same makeup in my wee makeup bag for the last 6+ months. I have one color eyeshadow, one lipstick that I can’t even find, and one wrong-shade foundation.

That does not a drag queen make.

Not only would I have to slather on pounds of clown makeup just to leave the house, but I’d have to get a weave, take care of my hair, and actually fix it on a daily basis.

I mean, really. That’s just not possible.

I sit here in 3-days-out jeans, a t-shirt that says “I put the     in lazy,” my 4-days-out unwashed hair in a greasy ponytail, with leg hairs so long they’re starting to curl.

I’m pretty much living up to my t-shirt message, but I’m not living up to the challenges of a drag queen girl.

Now that we’re talking about clothes, where does a drag queen buy her clothing? I’m pretty sure it’s not Lane Bryant, Old Navy, or the bottom of my her clean laundry mound. I’m also pretty sure the ladies don’t wear frayed jeans and fluffy socks with their Sketchers.

OH! and the music. I’m definitely not up on club dance music. (Remind me to get a few Gagas, Lamberts, and something featuring Akon.) My teeny tiny rotation of 90s music will not be good enough for the club kids and/or hag crowds when up Doin’ My Thang! on stage.

The most important key to a drag queen’s success that I’m lacking? A fab name. My nickname in high school was Fro (dumb), and since then, I’ve not had any good nicknames and I don’t have the brain power to come up with a catchy drag queen name.

See? I’m a total drag queen fail.

Double fail? The shoes. I live in pretty much Sketchers and gasp Crocs*. Shoes with heels hurt like a mo’fo. Shoes with a heel AND platforms? Forget it. I’d bust my ankle in under 2 seconds.

It’s just not in my nature to be a drag queen, so please, let me live in peace as the schlumpy housewife mommy blogger barf that I am.

And then there’s the whole penis ordeal.

I have drag queen penis envy.

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What? I only wear the Crocs to Disney during the summer months. Don’t hate. Plus, I have foot issues. Back off, eh?

It’s pretty much a given that I’ll give someone the benefit of the doubt.

I’m forgiving like that.

I tend to think of the best in people: there was a mistake, they meant well, some random coincidunk happened.

My first thought is that the person did not mean any malice by what was done.

I’m a happy optimist.

But I’m discovering in my daily affirmations and reflections, I can by cynical and negative.

My special brand of funny is to be a dummy cynical and somewhat negative.

I look back at my silly tweets and blog posts and see a negative person.

Except, I’m not.

At least I thought I wasn’t.

Negativity begets negativity. Positivity begets positivity.

Kind of like a living 69.

What you give is what you get.

Karma and energy are one big reciprocating hand job.

I feel that I need to put out to the universe a more positive, cynical-ish hand job.

I just don’t want anything to end up in my eye unless it will make you laugh.

Definitions:
troll – noun: (in Scandinavian folklore) any of a race of supernatural beings, sometimes conceived as giants and sometimes as dwarfs, inhabiting caves or subterranean dwellings.
troll – In Internet slang, a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room or blog, with the primary intent of provoking other users into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.

In other words, a turd.

Just who are these people that feel the need to instigate others through the anonymity of the internet?

Why do they only appear out of the darkness of the shadows of the corners of the interwebs just to pounce on their next victim?

They seem to originate out of the depths in high school social circles. Falling into one of two categories, they have brought their feelings with them into adulthood. The two categories of high school personalities that seem to originate said trolls are the Outcast and the Snob.

The Outcast
Treated in high school as a leper, a weirdo, or just generally a hermit, the Outcast spent years holed up in her bedroom closet scheming against every other kid in her high school. She created drawings of herself killing the other students, typically the “popular” kids. She never felt strong enough to actually follow through with her goal of hurting or embarrassing anyone, but her every waking moment was spent dreaming of the day that she would succeed.

The Snob
Not necessarily a rich bitch, but one who sincerely felt she was better than every other girl in her high school. She had a small group of friends, most of whom looked up to her apparent self-confidence, but who really feared the Snob and her powers. Unlike the Outcast, the Snob had the ability to attack her perceived nemesis outright. She was conniving and outright despicable in her manner of embarrassing others. She was feared by every single person in the high school, especially the teachers. The Snob was not to be crossed.

The common fiber in both the Outcast and the Snob is their incredibly low self-esteem. Their fear and dislike of themselves is overwhelming to the point that they lash out at others. They feel the need to knock every single other person down so as to feel they are the superior being.

This overwhelming fear of themselves moves on to their adult lives, and with the popularity and access of social media, the Outcast and the Snot can now practice their hatred on others ANONYMOUSLY.

They are innately jealous of others’ successes. Their jealousy manifests itself in a way that is intent to cause a discombobulation in their victim’s lives, on or offline. They have now become a Troll.

The Troll
Now that their lives are spent online and away from daily personal face-to-face interactions, the Troll can now attack at will. She can prey on her victims from afar, even making “friends” with other sympathetic and unsuspecting people. The Troll can garner sympathy from their new “friends” by coaxing them into a “friendship” built on a marriage of low self-esteem and unsuccessful internet endeavors.

The Troll does not necessarily have to prey on her victims within the comment sections of blog posts. She can also create her own blog on which to lure in “friends” who think they feel the same way as the Troll. She will build relationships and “friendships” with other online women in an attempt to build up her own self-esteem.

The Troll can be seen around the blogosphere writing fun, happy posts, all of which have a strong undertone of crazy. Some Non-Trolls can see beyond the fun/happy through to the core of the crazy lying dormant for months, even years. Non-Trolls will sometimes warn other bloggers of the impending crazy to be revealed and to stay far away.

The Troll can strike at any time. The trigger could be reading a Non-Troll’s blog about a new job or sponsored trip, or reading a post where the Troll feels she was wronged. The Troll will then lash out at her victim, most often trying to remain anonymous. Brave Trolls will write posts on her own blog exposing her jealousy and rage against the “popular” bloggers or those whom she feels has “wronged” her by being successful on their own. The Troll will find a viewpoint on which she disagrees and thus feels it is her duty to attack the writer for her own personal feelings on that viewpoint.

Trolls are simply sad people garnering way too much negative energy against another person.

It is best not to poke at or feed a troll, unless of course, you feel you can handle the negative energy expended your way from said Troll. If you have the energy, by all means, poke away. However, it is not encouraged to feed the troll too much, for she will then begin her quest as your new personal Troll.

What say you?
Do you have a Troll?
Have you been the victim of a Troll?
ARE YOU A TROLL?