I’ve already established that we women are gross. It’s just a fact.

We get even grosser when we’re knocked up and have to push human beings out of our crotch holes or have them sliced out of our wombs.

The old and infirm have known the secret we women learn when we have babies at a hospital, and if it weren’t for their necessity and our lack of thought processes at the time after baby delivery, we’d have never listened to their secret-telling anyway.

The disposable mesh panties the hospital gives out after having a baby is one of the best inventions The Man has ever bestowed upon our just-birthed asses.

There’s no way a woman or gay man invented or designed these monstrosities of fashion, but every once in awhile, The Man gets it right. And in this case, “getting it right” means stretching the cotton mesh over our expanded asses and recently deflated mom pouches.

You’d never think that a one-size-fits-all underwear would actually work for a woman of any size, but in the case of the disposable mesh panties, they really do fit. I’ve not met or talked to one mother who couldn’t fit the un-designer hospital panties over their butts and under their hospital gowns; they fit every lady.

Today, I’m going to blow your damn mind.

Amazon sells the disposable mesh panties.

Seriously.

[Amazon also sells Ben Wa balls, but that's a story for another day.]

I will say though that they are not the exact mesh panties I received at the hospital after pushing out my babies, but they’re close. And just like my government-employed dad says, “Close enough for government work.”

Since I’m currently in the market for new panties, I may need to order some for my not-so-recently deflated baby pouch. Because if anyone can pull off sexy in disposable mesh panties, it would be me, right?

And now I just realized I mentioned my dad in the same post I mention pushing babies out of my crotch and Ben Wa balls. Damn, I’m classy.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: disposable mesh panties, hospital panties, mesh underwear

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Guys.

I’m so depressed.

Even though my girls are 6 & 7 and past the Nick Jr NOGGIN target age, they were raised on Moose and Zee.

Stupid Nickelodeon gave the pair the axe and sent them on their way.

Jerks.

I’ll take an hour of Moose and Zee clips ANYTIME over any of that damn Big Time Rush band and Fred The Movie, which is officially banned in my house.

…pouring one out for my homies…

image via Curvy Girl Guide credit Nickelodeon

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 16 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: moose, moose and zee, nick jr, nickelodeon, zee

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If you follow me on Twitter (which you probably do) or follow my Tumblr (which you probably don’t), you’ve seen some of the quotes from my kids, friends, and family that I document and share. I have a horrible memory for details, so I wanted to keep track of the insane quotables that fall out of my kids’ mouths. Last April, I shared the quotes I’d posted on my Tumblr up until then, and today I’m sharing the quotes I’ve collected since then.

Weirdos.

I also kind of want to know that I’m not the only one who has kids who say random and insane things. I’m not the only one, right? RIGHT?

(...)
Read the rest of Not-So-Quotable Quotes (3 words)

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 16 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: girls, kids, quotes, tumblr

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You’re right, Auto-Correct Gnome.

I didn’t want to say “Get the gnocchi and have them to add cream to the bolognese,” I wanted Foursquare to tell people to “Get the gnocchi and have them add cream to the vomit ass.”

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: auto correct, bolognese, foursquare, iphone, vomit ass

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If you have read my blog for any amount of time or know me at all, you know I’m a gay lover.

Or lover of gays.

Or a mostly straight woman who loves the gays and just happens to be happily married to a man.

I believe Gay is OK.

I’ve also been a fan of Rosie O’Donnell for the last umpteen years before, during, and after her daytime show, and now I love her Sirius radio show. I listen to it nearly every day. I’m kind of two shades away from being a stalker.

I make no apologies for who or what I like, even if the rest of the world teases or berates my choices. I enjoy Twilight, Jersey Shore, Ranch dressing on Mexican potatoes, Mama Oprah, sugar on my margarita rim, Crocs, and Rosie O’Donnell, no matter what people may think of me for liking what I like.

Rosie talked on her show Friday about responding to a negative, hateful Twitter mention directed at her. Normally, I tend to believe in ignoring the trolls, the hatred, and the darkness in people. It kind of makes it easier on my wonky heart not to add to my stress levels.

BUT HOT DIGGITY DAMN, I love Rosie’s response to Margie Phelps, Westboro Baptist Church member and God Hates F***s founder:

Responding with love and light, even sarcastic love, is better than nothing.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: rosie o'donnell, twitter

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Do you see that *tear* running down my cheek?

Do you hear the sobs coming from deep inside my diaphram?

Do you see the pills I’m popping from the stress I’m feeling?

Today is National Grammar Day.

AND I WASN’T AWARE.

A travesty of epic proportions.

I don’t know how I’ll get over losing the last 16-1/2 hours of un-celebration of National Grammar Day.

Oh, I know! I’ll write to companies and tell them about grammatical errors on their websites.

Consider it done.

Now, I will march forth, March Fourth, and celebrate you for the rest of the weekend.

First, I’ll leave you with this grammar hint: “alot” is not a word. If you use it, I will have to punch you.

Consider yourself warned.

No one is safe.

image credit: grammargirl.com

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 10 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: grammar

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Seeing envelopes come out of my mailbox that say things like “SECOND NOTICE” or “URGENT” are not unusual for me. Let’s be honest; they’re not really serious until after the 2nd notice is sent anyway, so why pay attention until they really mean it?

I’m also fairly good at picking out the junk mail and tossing it in the garbage immediately. My hoarding hasn’t yet reached the point of saving every piece of mail that has my name on it.

So when I get a very important mailpiece from the very official Department of Vehicle Acquisitions, complete with an official U.S. Department seal, I stop and pay attention to the words “SECOND NOTICE” emblazoned across the top.

This is very important business that I must turn my attention towards. I must stop everything I’m doing! Forget about the children! Let the dogs run free!

Obviously.

I don’t want to mess around with government-looking official documents. The last thing I need is the Department of Vehicle Acquisitions knocking on my door, demanding the keys to my Turbo Town & Country. And any person who opens this official document that is not me better watch out, because they’ll be spending the next 5 years in the State Pen. SERIOUS OFFICIAL STUFF.

FOR GOT SAKES, it says “Extremely Urgent Message Enclosed”! I need to be swift with my actions!

THE LIFE AND OWNERSHIP OF MY VEHICLE DEPENDS ON MY IMMEDIATE ACTIONS.

Click on the image to see it larger. IT'S AN IMPORTANT OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT DOCUMENT!

And hey! They said they’d give me a $3,000 bonus because my car is in high demand! Apparently, the U.S. Government is in the business of giving out bonuses to car owners who act quickly. I sure could use that extra $3,000 right now. Thank GOODNESS I now have this very official SECOND NOTICE.

I better get my Turbo T&C into a very official-sounding state-licensed pre-owned dealer to take advantage of this special U.S. Government program.

Oh, and LOOK! It just so happens that the dealer who sold me my Turbo T&C is just that official-sounding state-licensed pre-owned dealer! I’m in luck!

What am I doing still sitting here writing this when I should be speeding down to the official-sounding state-licensed pre-owned dealer that just happens to be the place from where I bought my Turbo T&C?!?

I’m OUTIE5000, Y’ALL!

•• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• ••

Thanks be to the sweet, sweet Baby Jeebus and Oprah that I have my wits about me and I know a scam when I see one.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 12 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: official scams

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My grammar nerdness is dying inside.

My teacher brain is exploding.

My motherly instincts are weeping.

… I need to go take a Klonopin and rock in the corner …

I can’t take it.

I wish I was exaggerating when I say this is making my wonky heart flutter with WTFness.

Thanks to my friend Erin for sharing this with the Facebook world and for giving me an anxiety attack.

Image source

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 24 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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“Wow, Jackie (my sister) really is coming around to being a grown-up citizen and recognizing me with kindness on my birthday,” went through my wee brain yesterday when she told me to make sure I answered the door when something showed up.

“Flowers? Cookie bouquet? FRUIT BASKET?” I wondered.

I was out having lunch with my 1st grader when the delivery arrived, but not knowing what it was going to be, I brought home Subway for my lunch. I checked the front porch for my flowers? cookie bouquet? FRUIT BASKET? and there waiting for me was a pizza box.

OH HOLY HELL! How nice is it to discover that Jackie had thought about ME on my birthday and ordered a pizza for me to enjoy so I wouldn’t have to make or pay for my birthday lunch?

“I wish she’d told me what it was BEFORE I went out to buy my own lunch, but it’s the thought and the surprise that counts.”

I thought past the fact that she ordered me Papa John’s and how Papa John’s pizza gives me the shits, but again, it’s the thought that counts.

My own personal delivered pizza for my birthday!

I thought wrong about you, sister, for all those “she’s a cuntwhorebitch*” thoughts that have gone around my head for the last 32 years. I’m sorry for all those things I thought.

Because you thought about ME on my birthday and did something extra special nice for ME.

I am loved!

I set the pizza box down, open it up to see that it’s a sausage & onion (my favorite!) pizza. I pick up a slice, take a bite, expecting delishusness.

And that’s when I saw it.

CHICKEN.

ON THE MOTHER FUCKING PIZZA.

But the damage was already done. The BAR B QUE CHICKEN PIZZA was already in my mouth.

And I was suddenly hit with urgent shits.

I had to sit and shit, chewing on the most disgusting man-made deliveralbe creation ever devised: chicken on mother fucking pizza.

I felt like taking my life to rid my memory of how it tasted.

You got me, dear cuntwhorebitch, sister.

YOU GOT ME.

And it’s on.

• • • • • •

*I may be over-exaggerating on the actual words I use to describe my dear sister, but you can see by now why I over-exaggerated.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2010. | Permalink | 20 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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I don’t want to read about depression.

Unless I’m depressed.

Then, I seek it out. Like a good sammich. I need it. I need to read and hear about other’s misery when I’m in the midst.

It takes me a while to realize I’m smack in the middle of a lapse in The Happy.

It probably started after BlogHer. The post-excitement, the post-exhaustion, the post-vacation downers.

I’m tired beyond tired all the time. I’m unmotivated. I’m not excited about anything.

Depression? Or Laziness?

I’m on the magic piss pills, so it shouldn’t be The Sadness.

I have a good life, so it shouldn’t be The Sad (like Oprah says… *stab*).

I have you peoples, so I can share my Doubt in the Happy.

I hope I don’t bring you the Downs, but I need to know what helps you.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2010. | Permalink | 23 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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