I’ve admitted before, I have lovely lady lumps and I don’t mean my boobies. I mean the cheesy lumps on my arse and my thighs. Being that I am a plumpalicious girl, I am standing up and protecting my fellow larger ladies and the rest of the world.
How? By calling a moratorium on shorts that are wider than they are long.
Unless you are in the top .01% of the ladies in the U.S., YOUR SHORTS SHOULD BE LONGER THAN THEY ARE WIDE. If this ratio is on the negative side, DON’T SQUEEZE YOUR FAT ASS INTO THE SHORTS.
Just because some clothing store makes the clothes and you can pull up the screaming zipper, DO NOT buy the shorts.
Oh, Sweet Baby Jeebus and Oprah. Here is my evidence from Old Navy*:
Allowing Old Navy (and others) to sell shorts at a 4 1/2″ inseam in a size 6 or up should be criminal. Allowing us larger ladies think it is OK to leave the house, much less purchase, any shorts less than a 5″ inseam (and still you gotsta have some NICE legs to pull those off) is a travesty.
And who are they joking with this picture of the shorts with a space between the legs? No woman who is a size 14 or up has any space between her thighs. You nasty nasty marketing picture-taking people are trying to make us think that those shorts (with pleats BTW) will allow our crotches to breathe.
Sorry, ladies, but wearing these shorts will only allow your ass to have a snack on some denim.
So, please. For the love of Sweet Baby Jeebus and Oprah. Stand UP and show your lovely legs! Just wear your shorts a little longer.
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*Originally published March 30, 2008 but still ever-so-awesome.
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
I hate all shorts. Unilaterally.
.-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..Friday! Whee! =-.
i’m cool with culotts.
I’m convinced no one looks good in shorts, especially me, but if they are a necessity, they should be knee length. For reals.
for reals
Looking outside at the New Jersey weather, will there EVER be a time that I can wear these regulation longer than they are wide shorts?
.-= goolieman´s last blog ..Friends in all the right places =-.
magic 8 ball says….. yes.
Jesus, I couldn’t agree more. It’s next to impossible to find cute, flattering shorts that make it comfortably past the inner thigh pudge. You’re either stuck with pleated basketball shorts or daisy dukes. I hate clothing manufacturers.
.-= Two Makes Four´s last blog ..Wean Me, Seymour =-.
i’m not jesus.
We need that extra bit of fabric to keep our thighs from smacking together… a terrible sound.
.-= Tara R.´s last blog ..Clean sweep =-.
WHAP! biddabiddabidda..
i just don’t care what i wear. if someone doesn’t like my fat ass in shorts, look the other way. or make fun of me. i don’t care. i just hate being fucking hot.
.-= hello haha narf´s last blog ..What is So Wrong About a Little Sparkle =-.
p.s. i didn’t mean that comment to be nasty, although when i read it after i published it i can totally see where some folks might think that. sorry if it came off shitty.
xoxo
.-= hello haha narf´s last blog ..What is So Wrong About a Little Sparkle =-.
You’re right. It does sound rather douchey. ROFL! But I know you so I LOLz.
.-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..More Home Makeover. Otherwise known as: Operation Save My Sanity =-.
I was over at your place, commenting on your paint job, and you are over here giving me crap. oh how i love you!
.-= hello haha narf´s last blog ..What is So Wrong About a Little Sparkle =-.
Bwahahahaha! I couldn’t have timed that better, could I?
.-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..More Home Makeover. Otherwise known as: Operation Save My Sanity =-.
somehow, i read that as “where some WHITE folks might think that” and i wondered why just the WHITE folks.
then i went back and re-read.
I agree with you 100%.
My favorite part:
“And who are they joking with this picture of the shorts with a space between the legs? No woman who is a size 14 or up has any space between her thighs.”
Haha, I love it!
it’s so true tho.
i stay away from shorts. and this summer, i’m thinking i’m not going near capris either. or bathing suits. probably the best bet, for me at least…moo moos.
sigh
.-= melissa´s last blog ..Neanderthals, Poker And Blow Jobs =-.
i was told that if i ever wore a muumuu, i’d be served with divorce papers. as i get fatter, it’s looking a little better to wear muumuus than be married.
nasty. Just nasty.
Like back boob sticking out of tiny spaghetti strap shirts.
were you standing behind me at walmart?
I’m planning to wear Daisy Dukes the first time I meet you at Blogher10. My legs do not have a space in between them. And I have massive amounts of cellulite. I hope you enjoy it. T
I’m planning to wear Daisy Dukes the first time I meet you at Blogher10. My legs do not have a space in between them. And I have massive amounts of cellulite. I may look like a chick in a cheaply done rap video. I hope you enjoy it.
hoorah for cheese thighs!
I never wear shorts. Even when I was thin I didn’t because I am an albino shade of white. Translucent, even.
Now that I am a fattie. I will never be seen in shorts, unless you’re at my house and they WILL be – at the shortest – mid-thigh.
.-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..More Home Makeover. Otherwise known as: Operation Save My Sanity =-.
i have clear skin where “clear” means “translucent.”
ROFL…or you can be like me and never wear shorts for the past 8 years! I wear skirts and dresses, but no shorts. You give me my daily laugh girl…
i tried skirts last summer, but i was so worried about the wind flipping it up and revealing my granny panties.
Hahahahaha…that was awesome.
.-= The Bastard´s last blog ..Hamster Pubes =-.
thanks
Ass snacking on denim, OMG, that had me laughing out loud.
.-= Karen MEG´s last blog ..Weekly Winners – Paradise =-.
*taking a bow*
thanks
In the name of Baby Jeebus & Oprah, AMEN!!!
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Weekly Winners – March 7 – 13… =-.
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