I’ve admitted before, I have lovely lady lumps and I don’t mean my boobies. I mean the cheesy lumps on my arse and my thighs. Being that I am a plumpalicious girl, I am standing up and protecting my fellow larger ladies and the rest of the world.
How? By calling a moratorium on shorts that are wider than they are long.
Unless you are in the top .01% of the ladies in the U.S., YOUR SHORTS SHOULD BE LONGER THAN THEY ARE WIDE. If this ratio is on the negative side, DON’T SQUEEZE YOUR FAT ASS INTO THE SHORTS.
Just because some clothing store makes the clothes and you can pull up the screaming zipper, DO NOT buy the shorts.
Oh, sweet Jesus and Oprah. Here is my evidence from Old Navy:
Allowing Old Navy (and others) to sell shorts at a 4 1/2″ inseam in a size 6 or up should be criminal. Allowing us larger ladies think it is OK to leave the house, much less purchase, any shorts less than a 5″ inseam (and still you gotsta have some NICE legs to pull those off) is a travesty.
And who are they joking with this picture of the shorts with a space between the legs? No woman who is a size 14 or up has any space between her thighs. You nasty nasty marketing picture-taking people at Old Navy are trying to make us think that those shorts (with pleats btw) will allow our crotches to breathe.
Sorry, ladies, but wearing these shorts will only allow your ass to have a snack on some denim.
So, please. For the love of Jesus and Oprah. Stand UP and show your lovely legs! Just wear your shorts a little longer.
This is why I usually just go naked.
Avitable’s last blog post..PPH Bossy
This is completely hilarious! (And I totally agree.) Do you know Absolutely Bananas and her Make Me Laugh Monday deal? You should go and add a link to this. It’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day. (www.absolutelybananas.com)
MommyTime’s last blog post..It Wasn’t Intended as an Insult. Honest.
Such a truthful laugh on a Monday morning - thank you!
I swear I’ve seen a few fat asses in shorts with a 3 inch inseam. I’m guessing they were at least a size 4X.
You could see ass cheeks bulging out from beneath.
One was actually wearing a halter top and 6 inch heels.
Damn, where’s my camera when I need it!
Little Miss Sunshine State’s last blog post..BOSSY- More and Less
Thank you for my Monday morning, uh, afternoon laugh!
justmylife’s last blog post..The new Buns of Steel Exercise!!!!
A-freakin’-men!!! Oh, and I’m stealing the “for the love of Jesus and Oprah” bit. Love that.
Little Miss Sunshine State - you would LOVE Summerfest up here in Milwaukee. We seem to have a lot of those people in these parts, and when the weather finally gets warm - LOOK OUT WORLD, MAMA’S wearin’ her shortie shorts and it makes for some excellent people watchin’!
Colleen’s last blog post..Mama said there’d be days like this…
That was freakin’ hilarious!!!! I am a lumpy lady, too
Sorry for the spam but I’m letting everyone on the Heads Or Tails blogroll know that HoT has a home of its own! You can find it HERE.
Skittles’s last blog post..The Week Ahead
I’m sorry but your use of the word ‘arse’ disturbs me greatly.
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..Mocked by nature
Perhaps the Muslims are onto something? I can’t stand the whole short shorts thang or the ass hanging out thang with the guys wearing the loose jeans. Funny stuff!
You are Hilarious! LOVED it and I completely agree.
We are THAT family’s last blog post..And the Winner Is . . . .
*snickering* High-five on the idea and the execution of this post! A four-inch inseam on my own solid foundation would be called, “What’s that fabric rolled up in your fanny?”
Carolyn B.’s last blog post..Pics from Birthday Weekend at Park
Oh man you are SOOOO right. Off to discard of several pairs of shorts… ehem…
bananas’s last blog post..Make Me Laugh Monday
you make me laugh, always. Love the accompanying picture!
amanda’s last blog post..Why Baseball Makes Me Want to Slap Myself in the Face
Oh my goodness, FUNNY! All I have to say is thank God for capri pants!!
Don’t know if you can have thighs that don’t touch after a size 8…I’ve been a girl of curves since 12 and just know that me and shorts are not a good fit…and I’m okay with that.
alex’s last blog post..Make Me Laugh Monday-Tramp Stamp for Kiddies
Hello?! My fat ass loves bermuda…shorts that is!
funJenny’s last blog post..Scenes from the Pinewood Derby
You rock! What you have said is funny but so true that is why I keep on telling my mother and my sister to avoid wearing these kinds of shorts which really lack in length! And for me, women wearing longer shorts that are not too tight are fresher
forbrugslån’s last blog post..DER Quicklån på op til 25.000 DKK
OMFG, gurl. THIS was hilarious. And spot on.
Spread the word!! Shorts are EEEEVIILLL!!
VDog’s last blog post..Weekend Cuteness
sooo good! I wish they made shorts longer at places like Old Navy!!
Light’s last blog post..A Couple Dad Songs
I so agree! All hail capri pants.
“Sorry, ladies, but wearing these shorts will only allow your ass to have a snack on some denim.”
OMG!!! My husband says my *Woo Hoo* must have eaten my shorts when I wear shorter, knit shorts to sleep in. SLEEP I say…me no showy the thighs in public places.
I have always had a problem with stores like CATO that try to sell us voluptuous women slinky spaghetti strap belly tops with daisy dukes to match. Why the hell would they even make such apparel above a size 10???!!?!
Angela’s last blog post..Under Arm Flab - Uncovering the Truth
[…] extensive research on the subject of the once-fashionable jean shorts for my sister post to the too-short shorts, I discovered the term “Jorts.” Call me a girl on this one, but I’d like to […]
[…] DON&8217T SQUEEZE YOUR fat ass INTO THE SHORTS. … My fat ass loves bermuda&8230shorts that is!http://awholelotofnothing.net/fat-ass-girls-stand-up/The Long Goodbye - LA City Beat… when she could have been Coming to Terms and Grieving Her Big fat […]
Women with fat shapely asses are so sexy…don’t listen to the media and magazines… a full figured shapely woman is incredibly sexy!!!
Greg (an atletic, built healthy man)