A good day for me starts after 9am, I find clothes out of the laundry room, it continues with DVRd shows to watch as I Twitter, and ends with clean towels in the linen closet.  A normal day would be up at 8:30am, lucky to find clean undies, watching Noggin shows with my girls making a mess, and ends without a shower.

I do not cook. I do not clean. I do not claim to be any sort of housewife other than the kind that succeeds at surviving the day with semi-happy children. I am lucky enough to have a husband that understands my low-achieving lifestyle and suffers through my inadequacies.

My accomplishments in life include my two girls, an abnormally high knowledge of crap TV shows, my semi-successful online store, Good for the Kids, and I somehow earned a Master’s degree along the way.

*I wrote this as a bio for a super secret, don’t ask don’t tell, upcoming site. Don’t ask me what it is or I’ll have to kill you.
I hate it when people keep secrets.

**Lazy Perfectionist meaning: if I can’t do it perfectly, I don’t do it at all, so nothing gets done.

That makes me an expert in nothing. (see: blog title)

For me, blogging has lead me to valuable friendships, getting free stuff, and a way to see the world beyond my cookie-cutter street.

I used to read every single post in my feed reader, but that got to be too much pressure to keep up for me. Now, it sits idle and ignored, much like my bank account. I’m afraid to look in the dark room.

There are times that I’ll check out my friend’s posts or posts linked to from Twitter, and recently, I’ve been reading more and more about what blogging is and who is a blogger and why people should blog. I have a feeling the upcoming BlogHer conference is to blame.

woo hoo! only (checking calendar) 3-1/2 weeks till rub-up-athon!

Reading these other blogs (mostly written by people I don’t normally read) makes me wonder why they have such authority to declare who is a blogger, who should call themselves a blogger, and why we should all care what being a blogger means.

Who the FUCK cares?

Really.

Isn’t there room out here in the Internets World for every man, woman, and child to have their own little slice of Blog Heaven? Can’t some mommy bloggers write solely about their experiences as a mother, no matter how inane or exaggerated? Can’t some people carve out of their blog house a place to vent or rant or post crap-ass pictures of their dog and call it their own?

Why does everyone have to be criticized and called out for doing what they like?

If someone wants to call themselves a “Social Media Guru” or the “Queen of All Things Awesome” or “Worst Mother on Earth,” why not let them?

If you don’t like it, don’t read it. By reading it and giving them attention, you are validating their successes. SOMEone, somewhere is reading them, so there IS a space in the Series of Tubes for them.

I’ve said my peace, now run along and make yourself happy. And quit worrying about what everyone else is doing.

Unless they’re making brownies – then sit down and enjoy.

A solitary man on a beach

A man who walks his fatherless sister down the aisle

A man with no shame

A man who loves his daughters dearly

A man with a great ass

A man whom I frustrate

A man who loves me

A man I love more

Now go wish @hockeymandad a happy happy.

And below, leave a comment telling me him how cute he is.

(This was taken in March, but I didn’t get out my camera today and there would have been about 30 people in the pic anyway, so you get this one and you’ll like it.)

Am feeling this

(This was taken in May at the Magic Kingdom, but again, I didn’t take my camera out today, so you get a picture of serenity NOW.)

I’m feeling groooooovy.

You?

Today marks the final countdown to my baby sister’s wedding.

Only 365 more days to go.

Naturally, I am in the wedding party. As well as my son and two daughters. All of us involved in her special day. Even months before getting engaged to her man I received emails entitled “What do you think about this dress?” and “Do you think having a reception at the gardens is classy enough?” and “Don’t you just LOVE these flower girl dresses?”

OMG. No, I do not. Not at $300 a pop, times two. I do not. I don’t like them at all, baby sis. I do not.

Last week she sent me an email with half a dozen images of flower girl head pieces. I just imagined my opinionated middle child and her tag-along-baby-sister on the day of the wedding, tossing the Martha Stewart inspired lilies of the valley fresh wreaths in the middle of the church isles, and stomping on them. And. So. I sent her an email.

“Hey. Love the look of a fresh wreath. I tried that on my flower girl. She hated it and never wore it and I wasted money on it. So. Take a look at this adorable headband on etsy just-in-case one of my girls has a tantrum. XOXO Pauline.”

Minutes later. My super cute pink phone vibrated and I read this….

“Thanks, but I’d really like to pick out what they wear. It will be part of the theme of the wedding I create. And hopefully you can help by trying to get them used to the idea beforehand and let them know. If just for the pictures even, Id be happy. I do appreciate your ideas though. They are good and I am ready to consider many things. Just ultimately I will decide what fits in with my vision best. Its a one in a life time thing/vision, right?”

I. Have. Not. Responded. Yet. Because…. OMG. My blood is boiling. Only 365 more days to go, yo!

- that their Mama spends a lot of time working in a business she created from an idea.

- that it’s OK to leave a mess behind to go on to something more fun.

- that we are lucky enough to live in an area that MILLIONS of people from around the world make a pilgrimage to.

- that their Mama kisses them more than 100 times a day.

- that their Mama accepts every kiss and every hug snuck in to her between whines and begs and laughs.

- that their Mama is the best colorer in the world.

- that their Mama is a teacher and wants them to constantly learn in their playing.

- that it’s good to show their emotions and let the tears fall.

- that good food is good to eat.

- that they deserve what they earn and they earn through positive behavior.

- that they learn what TO do and not what NOT to do.

- that they will always be protected.

- that they must trust their Mama no matter what she expects of them.

- that their mama ‘knows’ everything but is not perfect.

- that they are loved deeply.

This one:

If you don’t remember, suckit.

If you do, thanks for coming back and waiting patiently to find out what it was. Your mama raised you right.

That picture is of one of my Aunt & new Uncle’s hairless cats:

Yup. Kinda creepy.

Strangely greasy.

I totally want one.

I’ve talked to him endlessly for the past umpteen months online. He’s made me happy, brought me solace, made me feel better, frustrated me to no end, and I have hoped for nothing more than happiness for him.

And now, he’s he happiest I’ve ever seen heard read him.

Martin knocked up his wife.

Spencer made it!

Apparently he had dirty man goo, so after a wash by the doc, and a squirt up the hoo-ha, ET’s egg(s) finally gave in and accepted Spencer the Sperm (and his buddy?).

I’ve never wanted to hug you, but now, I could totally.

**HUGS**

Now, go kiss ET’s belly and **shivvvver** off that sister hug.

The main reason: socializing without having to actually get dressed or talk to someone face-to-face. According to my highly-scientific research, 90% of the lovely ladies and germy gents socializing online are way too nervous to meet anyone in person.

Which makes the annual BlogHer conference the biggest anxiety-ridden social experiment of the year. In an attempt to make my attacks of rub-upping more comfortable, here’s my Myth/Reality guide to making myself yourself feel better about exiting your hotel room and talking to actual people.

Myth – “People won’t know who I am and when I tell them my name and blog name, they won’t think I’m good enough to talk to.”
Reality – Many people you talk to WON’T know you by your name, but rather will know by your Twitter handle, your blog design, your reputation, and most importantly, your avatar. If they DO know you, 99% of them will love you and want to squeeeeeeeze on you. If they DON’T know you, they want to know you and will end up squeeeeeeeezing on you. If they know you and don’t like you OR don’t know you and don’t care to know you, call them a cunt behind their back.
Solution: Give less than a ladybug’s crap about what other people think.

Myth – “People will laugh at me.”
Reality – Yes. Yes they will, but only if you want them to. (See: Me) If you don’t want them laughing at you, don’t fall on your face or walk out of the bathroom w/ your skirt in your undies.
Solution: If/when you fall on your face, laugh with them; and don’t wear undies so the skirt doesn’t get stuck. Going ‘Commando’ is very freeing and lets your lady bits breathe.

Myth – “I won’t be as cute as everyone else.”
Reality – Hell yeah you will be! Start your shopping now (if you haven’t already) and build your outfits. You’ll need at least 2 outfits/day WITH accessories. Get your friends (or sister) to help you shop, but make sure you buy clothes that are beyond awesome and you feel good wearing. TRUST ME, you will wear something someone else wants.
Solution: If you think something looks good on someone else, TELL THEM. There’s nothing better than hearing a compliment from another lovely lady. Then ask where she got it and buy a copy when you get home. It’s not copying – it’s inspiration.

Myth – “I’ll be too fat and too embarrassed to show my fat.”
Reality – You might think you’re fat, but really, you’re not the fattest in the room. ——> She is.
Solution: Shut your fat face and OWN IT. Plus, no one else cares.

So, dear anxiety-ridden ladies, know you’re not alone. Even us funny girls are as nervous as all get-out at meeting you, too. Just do it.

If you need, I’ll be your BlogHer buddy. I’ll be the fat one you’re laughing at all medicated-up on Zoloft.

Tell me what the hell this is for 25 points.

C’mon. Play along. (Unless you’re in my family -mom, Patrick, Jackie- and already know. You can shut it.)
DO IT.
I’ll post an answer with the whole pic later this week.