There’s not much in this big fat world that gets my blood pressure rising.
Save for blatant bigotry, handling warm, freshly-worn clothes, and someone not believing me, I normally don’t get pissed off. Lately, there’s been one more thing that I’ve realized has made me less than my pleasant self: women making decisions for other women.
With the recent popularity of women choosing to read abut BDSM in books, I’ve read many a comment and blog post from the point-of-view of women who are making decisions and passing judgment on other women. I don’t like it, and it pisses me off.
I’ll admit: Until reading Fifty Shades of Grey, I didn’t know much about the whole BDSM lifestyle and didn’t have interest in it at all. I’ll also admit that after reading the trilogy and some other books like it, I still don’t have a hands-on interest in the practice that goes beyond a few smacks on my bare ass.
You’re welcome for that little nugget of information about my sex life.
In reading the series and other erotica books like it, I never, ever once thought of the women in the books as being subjected to abuse. The characters were making adult choices about their adult lives and their adult bodies.
Their choices.
Granted, what I know about the BDSM lifestyle is limited to a few Real Sex shows and several erotica novels, so the real-life implications of what these women and men do is unknown to me.
My understanding is that women and men who participate in sexual or asexual Dominant/Submissive roles are not being abused; they are making choices that make them feel good. Being the un-psychologist that I am, I can’t diagnose any person, real or fiction, with issues that may or may not subject him or her to abuse or abusing.
Passing judgment or making passive comments about the characters being abused is frustrating to me. What frustrates me even more is making these statements and passing this judgment without reading the books, 50 Shades or the others.
Just like reading classics isn’t really for me, reading erotica is not for everyone. I don’t blame you, nor do I pass judgment on anyone else’s choice of reading material.
It’s not sexist or sexism to want to participate in a BDSM partnership.
In my opinion, it’s the epitome of a feminist to feel so comfortable with one’s feminism and one’s own body to recognize what make her “get off.” Until very recently, women have been told to hide, shelter, protect and yet flaunt our femininity and sexuality. It still being done, and now it’s done with public judgment passed onto women who recognize their own needs in wanting to be dominated or be submitted to.
I don’t pass judgment or think any less of the women who feel that I and others like me are less of a feminist for reading erotica or others who participate in the BDSM lifestyle.
Ladies, let’s all support one another without judgment. Not everything everyone else does is for every other woman. You may like making the perfect paper mache piñata, and that makes you feel more of a woman. Others may want to wear nipple clamps to the PTA meeting to feel more feminine. I may like sneaking away to my bedroom to read graphic erotica novels to make me feel more womanly.
It’s pretty much the general rule of feminism: choice.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
I so completely agree with you here. I’m an adult and I can make adult choices. And so can every other adult. And its none of my business what those choices are.
I just want the tsk*tsking to stop.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Official Smut Peddler #SmutBookClub
well said. it’s all about choice for me too. women supporting women is a huge deal for me, and while i have no plan on reading the series i appreciate the debate. again, well said!
All about choice!
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Official Smut Peddler #SmutBookClub
I’m pretty vocal about NOT liking it. But I’m also pretty vocal about it just not being my thing…and I said in my post about it, like, a few times…that I don’t judge people who like it.
You like it. I don’t.
AND THAT’S FINE.
An Awesome post on alimartell´s blog … Freak Flags Are The Best Kind Of Flags
And never once have I ever thought you were judging me or anyone who does like it. Another reason why I love you, alimartell.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Official Smut Peddler #SmutBookClub
Oh SO right there with you on this! Why as women are we so judgmental of each other. I hear that “men do this and that” and true they do but my male friends have always been more supportive of me than my female friends. I have a few females that I can get support from but in the general masses, not so much.
Don’t get me started on the books though. I read the Claiming of Sleeping Beauty when I was an 18yr old virgin. Did I want to be a slave, spanked with mirrors, impaled on statues and have itchy phallus’s shoved into numerous orifices? NO! But it was a story. I recently have gotten into darker taboo erotica that makes FSOG look like a Disney film but what I like about these books is: first they are beautifully written and second they tell adult tales. Some of them go beyond the dom/sub relationship to the Master/Slave one but these are adults who CHOOSE to do this. I consider it the same as what you eat, wear, drive etc. It is a choice by consensual adults. I love to read it but do I practice it? No ma’am. Will I continue to read them? Yup. I have a special soapbox for them and reading in general. I will now step off it.
An Awesome post on Sara Stanton´s blog … Book Review – Tender Mercies by Kitty Thomas
OH MY. That would have been traumatic at 18!
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Official Smut Peddler #SmutBookClub
Oh my God, were you there the day I LOST MY SHIT on basically everyone who talked smack about it? Look, I get that it’s not your thing. I’m glad you think it’s poor writing. This does not make you better than me, and it doesn’t make you a feminist. It makes you the opposite. But I’m glad you get to feel sanctimonious and uppity about erotica. You win today’s petty war!
I didn’t see you lose your shit over that, but I’ve seen you lose your shit over other things, so I can imagine.
Excellent post. Sometimes women are each others worst enemies. Just as in any lifestyle or way of life there are people who are doing things for the right reasons (as they see it) and those who do it for the wrong (as they see it) reasons. I am not a fan of the books although I do engage in the lifestyle. While I am happy that BDSM is getting exposure I feel the books depict it in away as to further endorse the mindset that someone has to be damaged to enjoy BDSM activities. Like any thing else, it’s a choice. And as someone who engages and someone that has been in a abusive relationship, I can assure you that there is a huge difference.
Thank you for writing this.