Six living beings pee in Messy House. I’m sure that means at least 2 gallons a day of urine are passing through to the toilet, the yard, the carpet, or a bed.

That’s a lot of damn piss. And I’m getting used to the smell.

The 4-year-old is completely potty trained and wears panties to bed.

The 3-year-old is completely potty trained when she remembers to go and wears panties is back to wearing pull-ups to bed after two straight nights of peeing in her sleep.

The 12-year-old dog pisses outside most of the time, pisses on the floor when it rains, pisses on the floor to spite us, and pisses in her cage and has been caught licking up her own pee.

The 9-year-old dog pisses outside most of the time, pisses on the floor when she’s scared, pisses on the floor and wags her tail in it when a visitor bends down to pet her, pisses on the floor when it rains, and pisses on the floor to spite me.

The 32-year-old man pisses in the toilet.

The 32-year-old woman pisses in the toilet.

Now, I ask you, dear tens of readers, when you see a duck-shaped puddle of piss on the floor in your hallway, who of the five above (obviously you can count me out) got their nose rubbed* in it?

*I’m no dummy – I know not to rub a man’s/kid’s/dog’s nose in the piss. Rather, you whack the man/kid/dog in the butt with a rolled newspaper.