There’s a clear and defining line between the sexes. There are countless books, movies, ha-ha TV shows, and blog posts dedicated to pointing out the glaring differences between man and woman. Having been married to a man for the last eleventeen-and-a-half years, I know it’s more than just pee splashes around the toilet and the inability to multi-task that makes us women the better half of the species.
When I first met Mr Sir back in the 90s when we were both extra skinny and 18, I noticed that the sheets on his bed were always 1/2-way on and were always askew. Apparently, this is a boy/man missing gene deal allowing them to be able to sleep every night on sheets with mystery stains that are not properly secured into their proper place.
As I’m sure you have figured out from my lack of housekeeping skills, I don’t make the bed every day. Really? What’s the point? But when I do get into bed, the sheets need to be straight, all corners need to be stretched into position, and the bed needs to be generally comfortable.
You know, normal stuff.
After washing the sheets last night, I asked Mr Sir to help me make the bed. (Here’s where he’d want me to tell you he normally makes the bed all by himself after the sheets are washed. He’s proud awesome like that.)
I fluffed out the bottom fitted sheet and found a massive hole in the sheets. Like, HUGE. I have no idea how the hole happened, so I assume they got caught in the washer or dryer somehow and ripped. (Here’s where I don’t admit that it could have possibly been wear and tear from my scratchy, non-pedicured feet that wore the hole.)
My first reaction, as would be any other sane woman’s, was to go get the spare guest sheets and use those until we buy some new sheets.
HIS suggestion: “What? They’re fine – just put the hole down at our feet.”
Erm. Seriously?
Does he not realize that we are yuppie civilized American people who can actually sleep on hole-less sheets?
Does he not realize I need smooth, un-pilled, securely fastened sheets to get my full 8 hours of beauty rest?
DOES HE NOT REALIZE WE ARE 33-YEAR-OLD PARENTS WHO HAVE GROWN UP JUST ENOUGH TO REQUIRE NON-HOLEY SHEETS?
I thought I had trained knew this man I married as a virginal young bride. But really, I don’t think he’s changed at all in the last 15 years.
He’s clearly lucky to have me to teach him how to live.
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I’m sorry, but that is HI-larious. I would so do that, but it’s just big ‘ole me and no one would be the wiser. Also, I’m lazy and having get new sheets either from the store or from the linen closet is too much trouble.
i define “lazy” but not when it comes to sheets. that’s when i go all anal and needs good, tidy, tight sheets.
Oh my gosh,this totally happened to me last week. My hubby actually asked me if it was on my side because my feet are so dry and gross that it could have been the cause…but I denied it!
my feet look like they belong in The Lord of the Rings. it’s winter. i can get away with it for now.
maybe he was secretly hoping for old fashioned sex, ya know..through a hole in a sheet!!!!
erm. i’ve never heard of doing it thru the sheets. must google.
..if my husband has been using this as a made up story to tell jokes with our whole marriage, I’m gonna be pissed.
I have thought for 5 years that people actually had sex through a hole in the sheets!
just looked it up: http://www.snopes.com/religion/sheet.asp
NOT TRUE!!!!
bwaaahahahaaaaaa
damnit!!!!!!!!!
It is presented as trufax in the novel “Midnight’s Children”. Super long & trippy book [book club] but pretty dang cool, about kids born near the midnight of India’s independence from Britain.
& there’s through-a-sheet-hole sex. ;p
You’re welcome. LOL
Ours aren’t holey, but that’s prolly just cuz we only recently got our King sized bed and they haven’t had a chance yet to *get* holey. But the sheets coming off the corner of the bed? Skeeves me out that he won’t fix that before he goes to sleep!
totally skeeve-city.
I love how no one has commented on the fact you wore a hole in your bed sheets.
Way to go!
get yourself ready for no sex for the next 6 weeks.
bwaaahahahahaaaaaa….
6 weeks?
Bless you and your optimism, and pass the tissues.
I hear you and I second that! A couple of weeks ago I spent the entire night of our date night convincing Hubby we need new sheets and towels.
Him: What’s wrong with them?
Me: nothing, but we’ve had them since we were married 8 years ago…that’s kind of gross. They are kind of gross.
Him: They work fine
Me: well, it’s not a garlic press we are talking about here, I’d like some fresh new (not stained) towels and sheets and I can’t even remember what color these were!
Him: Fine, but I get to use them as rags in the garage.
Good grief….what the F ever!
i bought new towels a year or so ago after the old ones were de-threading (if that’s a word). he had no idea why we needed new ones. he’ll use the dog towels if he can’t find clean bath towels, which, ew.
One of my favorite Jim Gaffigan quotes is this “My wife is always like ‘why don’t you make the bed?’. For the same reason why I don’t tie my shoes after I take them off. It doesn’t make sense.”
And he’s RIGHT! I make the bed, really just tidy up the sheets and blankets, just before I go to bed, no after I get out!
i do pull the sheet and blanket up, but hardly ever fully make the bed.
Save it for Halloween, someone can be a one-eye pirate ghost.
ARGHHHHHHH
We own towels that are older than my oldest kid….and he’s 24!!!
I’m a sheet freak. They have to be tight and tucked in and the openings on the pillowcases have to face the OUTSIDE of the bed. Life was good when I worked at Pottery Barn.
How do you spell OCD?
i see you…
Heh. I need to put new sheets ON. It’s shameful how infrequently our linens are cleaned. ;s
that’s pretty much the one thing I don’t fail at doing.
Really? Not a single person has made a joke about “unholy sheets”?
uhm, duh, cause we’re married. do you not know the rule of holy and unholy?
(i don’t. teach me.)
Nu-uh. This is unacceptable. See, I would KNOW that it was there and couldn’t sleep. I would move my feet around until I felt it and then couldn’t stop. I have to have the sheets straight too. It makes me crazy when my hubby sticks his feet out and pulls the sheets and blanket out from it’s perfectly tucked position under the mattress. He calls me “bed sheet OCD” but I think I’m just NORMAL!
we could totally share a bed.
Yeah, that would be my husband as well. Except, he is MUCH worse, as in, the sheet will be stiff with dirt and stains before he notices…
bl
ECH.
A few holes never stopped me using sheets. But then I’m not a civilised American.
Greg sleeps with a pillow that has a pillowcase that has not been washed since before we were a couple.We have been together for almost 14 years.
It’s true, men never do grow up. Mine is living proof of that too. I have three children. Two little girls and one grown man.
Looking forward to reading more. Great blog article.Much thanks again. Keep writing.
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