I blame the parents.

by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on October 11, 2010

in That's So Gay

Who is it that raises people to hate?

Yes, this is me, forcing parents to take responsibility for their child’s actions.

A SHOCKING suggestion!

I’ve been asked several times over the last week why I’ve suddenly taken on “the whole gay thing” as my cause. It’s not a new thing for me; it’s been in my head for years, but until now, until people have started paying attention, I didn’t think I had a place in the mix in which to assert myself.

Now that I have asserted myself, and many Awesome people have encouraged me to continue, I’ve taken on “the whole gay thing” as my deal. My cause. My “does she every stop talking about that?” thing.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a house where I learned that people are just people. It wasn’t something that we built bon fires around and sang Kumbaya for. It was just an understanding that people are equal. All people.

So when I read and hear about people who have hate in their heart and hate spewing from their mouths, it’s incomprehensible to me. I just. Don’t. Get. It.

I ask in my wee brain, “What’s it to you?”

How did this happen to these people? How did that grain of hate grow into full-blown mongers of fear who use their loud voices to protest WHO other people ARE?

So many people use their book of worship to justify their feelings, but really, it comes down to who raised them. Who made the choice for them to learn what they believe. Who planted that grain of hate.

The parents.

If your child bullies another child for who they are, I blame you. YOU failed all along your child’s life to teach them that people are people. YOU failed at guiding your child’s self-esteem to be strong enough to support his or her own self. YOU failed.

If your kid is an asshole, blame yourself.

“Good kids” don’t accidentally become “total fucking assholes.”

And this is just the start.

(I SO almost typed “fart” there, which could have made sense since I did just that.)

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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Chibi Jeebs October 11, 2010 at 11:35 pm

YES. As I said on facebook earlier, if parents take that “kids will be kids” stance, they’re no better than their bully children.

Be part of the solution, NOT part of the problem, people. It’s not rocket surgery.
An Awesome post on Chibi Jeebs´s blog … Mental block aka- ask me ANYTHING! -D

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2 Loralee October 11, 2010 at 11:57 pm

Having been bullied and having had my child bullied, I agree to a point.

But…

My kid’s bully had AMAZING parents. Amazing. Once they learned what he was up to they were mortified, apologetic and my HELL did they make sure it was behavior that STOPPED.

Kids bully for a whole lot of different reasons. One of the most is so they won’t be picked on or succumbing to peer pressure. Which, yes, I suppose you could relate to the parents but even the STRONGEST self-esteem can buckle under that shit. And that is different than monkeying asshat behavior of adults.

So…I think it is fair to assume that parents can be held suspect but to me, the real test is how they react when it’s pointed out to them. Do they get defensive and insist, “Not MY Charlie”! When all evidence says “HELL YES. “YOUR CHARLIE”? or turn into bullies themselves?

If so, yup. Blame away.

But after my experience I am not so quick to pigeonhole, either.

And go, go, go! with gay!

Even if this week has freaking worn me out. It’s a noble platform to get up on, hon. Glad you’re joining us!
An Awesome post on Loralee´s blog … What A Week

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3 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] October 12, 2010 at 12:06 am

YES. you are absolutely correct. there does come a point where you do all that you can to guide your child to do the right thing, then they take a left turn to Asshole Land. it will happen to all of us and our kids if it hasn’t already. i actually befriended the mother of a boy who bit my daughter last year. she comments here and is an amazing mother to a gay teenager.

so yes, i do think that parenting can only go so far. and yes, it totally makes a difference on how the parent parents the child after the offense.

also, HOORAY FOR GAY!

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4 Sarahndipitea October 12, 2010 at 12:01 am

<3

Thank you for stepping up and supporting those we love.

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5 Jayne October 12, 2010 at 1:41 am

When children bully, I often wonder what kind of aggression they’ve witnessed, and when I say aggression, I don’t necessarily mean out-and-out violence and rage. Some kids soak up that type of controlling, passive aggression from parents who use it to ‘keep their kids in line’, and have no idea how to process it so they turn it into outward anger and spite toward other kids.

But yeah, either way, kids are NEVER born evil. So keep looking inwards, parents, you might just find it’s your doing.
An Awesome post on Jayne´s blog … There were three in the bed- and the little one said…

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6 Ali October 12, 2010 at 7:49 am

I have to disagree with with “kids are never born evil” comment. Sociopaths are born that way. Sometimes it is a chemical thing. Nurture and Nature are equally strong. There ARE evil people. To say that a kid turns evil just b/c of their upbringing is questionable- Plenty of AWFUL families turn out great people and plenty of truly amazing families turn out horrible people. Now- on the bullying front- I am on the fence about the public uproar at this time. I was bullied all through elementary school and junior high and part of high school. Tormented. At one point I thought I had finally been accepted b/c the most popular girl in school invited me to her birthday party. The joy, oh, the rapture! How quickly was my nerdy little heart broken when what I was hoping to be my key into the “beautiful life” ended up being the opportunity to be beaten up. Yes. I remember the shame and humiliation of being pummeled and then the indignation I felt as I gathered up all my stuff to stand outside next to the mailbox and wait for my mom to pick me up as the girls responsible then harassed me for being “such a baby”. This was one of hundreds of degrading experiences. And yes at almost 35 I still get flushed when I think about those times and the people involved. But you know what? I have NEVER even thought about killing myself! I have never been in a fistfight, I am not violent, and I am a pretty well adjusted grown up. People are going to bully. We need to reteach kids how to handle it. In today’s hyper-PC, “positive” discipline school environments we have crippled kids emotionally in regards to how to handle situations like this. We tell them, “Don’t handle it yourself- Come get a teacher or an adult and we will handle it!” then we turn around and tell them not to “tattle”. To top it off if a kid is being physically bullied we punish the victim for defending themselves! Seriously??? We also reward kids for everything, no matter if they did a great job or not, so they have no idea how to handle criticism of any kind. No wonder we have a generation of kids unable to process bullying! We have stripped them of the skills necessary to handle it!!

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7 Tara R. October 12, 2010 at 8:23 am

My son was bullied through elementary and middle school. When we went to the teachers and administrator for some relief, we got the ‘boys will be boys’ speech and the bullying got worse. I agree it falls on the parent either they enable it, ignore it, or encourage it. We never had one single parent do anything to stop their child’s bullying.

He’s out of public school now, but the affects of that bullying are still being dealt with. His level of trust when meeting new people, in new situations, is incredible low.

I’m happy for anyone who has overcome extreme bullying, but for some kids that trauma lasts well into their adult life.

Bullying, for what ever reason, has to be addressed and has to stop. There needs to be serious consequences for kids who bully, and parents who turn a blind eye to the damage their children inflict on others.
An Awesome post on Tara R.´s blog … Not flash fiction- more like streaking fiction…

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8 angi October 12, 2010 at 9:58 am

I love you, lady. I think it’s awesome that someone who has no personal cross to bear here is just willing to help those who do. Who takes a stand and delivers the message that what’s right is right. It doesn’t matter if you are LGBT, if you know a LGBT, or not, what’s right is right. Go you! And I’ll be right here with you, cheering you on.

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9 Mandi Bone October 12, 2010 at 10:22 am

I do believe that children need to be taught to love and accept everybody. I have had many conversations with the girls when we see hurtful messages in our small town how wrong it is to hate someone based on religion, where they are from, sexual orientation, or mental capacity. We have a group here that puts up horrible billboards. They know bullying will not be tolerated in our house. If I find out that they have been the bully. They will be punished like never before.
An Awesome post on Mandi Bone´s blog … Cancer Kills

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10 Miss Britt October 12, 2010 at 10:22 am

Maria has a point, as do you.

But at some point, we have to stop blaming our parents and say YOU need to quit being an asshole.
An Awesome post on Miss Britt´s blog … Day 4 – Something I Have To Forgive Someone Else For

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11 Mary October 12, 2010 at 11:16 am

When my daughter was in elementary school, she was one of the smaller kids and the biggest kid in the class often bullied her verbally. Years later, she heard that this kid who was 19 or 20 years old, committed suicide. I have no idea why, but if his parents were aware of his bullying kids in his younger years, maybe they (or the school) should have had him checked out. Who knows what problems he was having?
Does it bother you that so many people are saying, “So what, I was bullied when I was a kid.”? My blood pressure goes up when I read that.
On my blog, dated 10/6/10, Bullying Gay Kids. (it’s a short one).
An Awesome post on Mary´s blog … Supporting Your Friends

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12 Nic October 12, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Very well put. I agree completely. Bravo!

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13 toywithme October 12, 2010 at 2:35 pm

I have always been a firm believer in “You are a product of your environment.” In other words, children learn by watching and imitating.

You are the sole caregivers of your children, you teach them right from wrong, you decide when and how discipline should be handled. YOU are their role model. Lead my example.

There are however some cases as pointed out by Loralee and Ali that are the exception to the rule, but for the most part it is up to parents to teach their children acceptance of those who are different from themselves.

Also, I fully support the LGBT community. Keep up the awesome work of getting the word out!
An Awesome post on toywithme´s blog … The Story Of A Failed Orgy

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14 kadield October 12, 2010 at 5:36 pm

As a gay man that was abused and bullied while growing up, I have to say that you are spot on, Love. /smooch
An Awesome post on kadield´s blog … I Was Late For An Important Date…

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15 Zoeyjane October 12, 2010 at 9:22 pm

I’m with you, about 90%. The other 10% watches my best friend’s kid, who has “come into her own” and gone from a shy, painfully -attempting-invisibility child, into a boisterous, bossy, overtly confident, must-win-everything, occasional bully. Her mom and dad did absolutely nothing to set her up for this – I know, I’ve been here – but god, if there seems to be no reverse. (And, god, if I’m not judging them for not trying harder, and even considering it cute sometimes, their little, shy person being so big and fearless.)

And as for kind not being able to be born evil, or mean or angry? The person who said that hasn’t met my brother. he came out angry. He’s currently on antipsychotics and my sister is terrified of being alone with him. Yes, my mom totally fucked up his childhood (and my sister’s), but, the only thing that’s changed about him since he was about one? The drugs he takes and smokes and the booze he chucks back.
An Awesome post on Zoeyjane´s blog … Day 12 – Laughable

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16 Robin Plemmons October 13, 2010 at 9:30 am

This is a shameless attempt to get more gay BFFs in your life, isn’t it? ;)

Also, down with the assholes! I agree with you & with the other exceptions listed above. Sometimes people are born with bad brains & chemical imbalances. I might get on a mental health soap box…

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17 Lindsay Dianne October 18, 2010 at 11:27 am

I read someone else who had written a post basically saying, If you’re a self righteous, hateful d bag… This is your fult, the blood is on your hands, and cut it out.
She was then flooded with emails from readers saying, “Jeez, that wasn’t nice, You should have emailed me directly if you disagreed.” IE: All thinking it was written about them.
She said in a post thereafter that it was a rhetorical kind of letter, to hateful d bags in general and with no one person in mind.

My response was that anyone who thinks they’re a hateful d bag should probably read it and take it to heart. Man… If you’re identifying as such… What kind of life are you living?

I don’t understand teaching kids to hate either. But people do it all the time. :(

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18 Lindsay Dianne October 18, 2010 at 11:27 am

Also, I don;t think being gay means you have a “Bad Brain”.

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