I Need Your Help To Cool Off My Butt

by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on April 3, 2012

in Fat Girl,Observations,Shopping

I’m on a mission that will inevitably leave my crying and hating myself.

Living in the Dirty South means surface-of-the-sun-type temperatures from May through September. Now with Al Gore all up in Mother Nature’s business this year, we’re already seeing highs in the 90s in early April.

I hate it.

You’d think that after living in Orlando for the last 15+ years and in Northwest Florida for the 17 years before that, I’d learn to love the heat. I haven’t and I still hate it.

If I looked good in a bikini, I’d live in one for 7 months a year. Since it’s frowned upon to expose young children to blinding reflections, I keep my white jiggly belly under wraps.

To hide my plus-size junk in my trunk, I wear long shorts in lieu of a bikini. You’re welcome, America.

But shopping for those shorts is gut-wrenching, heart-palpitation-inducing, and downright sucky. This may be why I’ve been wearing the same 4 pairs of shorts for the last 2 years.

There’s something to be said for the manufacturer of the shorts that have held up against my sweaty fat ass for the last 2 years, and that “something” is “job well done, Lane Bryant.”

I think it’s high time I got some new shorts. But it’s that shopping mission that will leave me in tears, regretting every Oreo and taco I’ve put in my mouth for the last 15 years.

In my initial reconnaissance of the webstores for the lady of leisure of a certain size, I’ve found exactly ZERO pairs of shorts that

A) are long enough to cover my saddle bags.
B) are short enough to expose my knees.
C) do not give me saggy butt after wearing for an hour.
D) have pockets for my phone.
E) do not resemble spandex bike shorts.

Seriously, friends. The lack of short pants for the size-14-and-up lady is at critical mass.

These stonewash, lightweight (see: this fabric won’t last 3 washings), fake drawstring (for extra bulk in front!) shorts are currently available from Old Navy in up to a size 30.

[Related: I've found where rednecks buy their wedding shorts.]

Sateen does not do anyone with cellulite any favors, Lane Bryant. We all know you’ve photoshopped the model’s cottage cheesy saddlebags out of the picture here. Or maybe she’s wearing Spanx under the capri pants? Because you will not catch me in a pair of constricting unbreathable nylon underthings in 95º heat. I learned my lesson years ago in a yeast infection-related trauma.

Bright blue pull-on, elastic-waist capri pants, Avenue? Is this your version of birth control?

It was just a few years ago that I wrote about stores selling shorts that are wider than they are long. Because this? Is not OK.

I’m in desperate need of your help. I realize this is a nearly impossible question to ask seeing as 90% of the country is still not having summer weather and others of you don’t believe in wearing shorts.

Have you found some shorts you love that you bought in the last month or so? I’m desperate and you’re my only hope.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Get my brilliance emailed to you every time I publish. You definitely want this.

Preview | Powered by FeedBlitz

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Danille April 3, 2012 at 2:46 pm

I’m not sure if this store is available outside of the WNY area… But try Maurices! I love their plus sized clothing, and I tried on a pair of cute and comfy just above the knee shorts not too long ago.

Reply

2 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] April 3, 2012 at 10:17 pm

I’ve never heard of Maurices. SUCK.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … I Need Your Help To Cool Off My Butt

Reply

3 Leigh April 4, 2012 at 5:31 pm

There’s a Maurice’s in Clermont. Never been in there because I didn’t realize they have plus sizes, but it does exist.
An Awesome post on Leigh´s blog … Top 10 packing tips for a Disney Fantasy cruise

Reply

4 Michelle April 3, 2012 at 4:49 pm

A few years back, I went to Ron Jon’s @ Festival Bay and bought a pair of plus-sized men’s board shorts. I still use them.
An Awesome post on Michelle´s blog … Farewell, My Little One

Reply

5 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] April 4, 2012 at 12:23 am

Men’s clothing doesn’t fit my butt. Bummer.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Yes, I’ll Be Your Prostitute

Reply

6 Danielle [Left of Lost] April 3, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Target had some comfy cute ones last summer. Shorts are hard to find for this average ass too (women’s 8). I hate when they sag or ride up my who-ha. What about Kohl’s SO brand?
An Awesome post on Danielle [Left of Lost]´s blog … Better Man

Reply

7 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] April 4, 2012 at 12:20 am

I haven’t tried Kohl’s brand, and their shirts fit me pretty well. Danka!
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Yes, I’ll Be Your Prostitute

Reply

8 thedoseofreality April 3, 2012 at 10:23 pm

This is probably headsmackingly obvious of me, and you will no doubt be like, woman get off my blog with that crazy talk, but have you tried Target? The only reason I ask is because it is my happy place, and I often find that they have a variety of stuff there. I, like you, prefer a longer short and would happily move to the Arctic for the summer if I could convince the hubby and kids just to avoid the whole summer wardrobe problem altogether.
An Awesome post on thedoseofreality´s blog … Lottery Loser

Reply

9 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] April 4, 2012 at 12:21 am

Target’s clothing sizings drive me crazy. I’ve never really had success with any of their clothes, except for the Gillian O’Malley PJs. Which, by the way, I could totally live in.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Yes, I’ll Be Your Prostitute

Reply

10 Vicky April 4, 2012 at 10:39 am

Gillian O’Malley PJs are the bomb. Their underwear are pretty comfy too!

Reply

11 Kathleen April 3, 2012 at 11:14 pm

My best fitting shorts are Dockers. Their womens’ collection actually fits a woman’s body–imagine that. Length is about an inch above the knee, waist doesn’t gap in the back.

Reply

12 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] April 4, 2012 at 12:22 am

Inneresting. I’ll have to try them. Thanks!
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Yes, I’ll Be Your Prostitute

Reply

13 Bernice @ The Stressed Mom April 4, 2012 at 12:27 am

I like shopping at Ashley Stewart whenever I get to the mall. They have sizes 12 and up, and some really cute stuff. They may have some shorts. Good luck!
An Awesome post on Bernice @ The Stressed Mom´s blog … My favorite blogs for busy moms

Reply

14 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] April 4, 2012 at 9:16 am

I’ve never heard of that store. I’ll check to see if there’s one close by. Thanks!
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Yes, I’ll Be Your Prostitute

Reply

15 kel April 4, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I hate shorts. This year, with a new gym membership and determination, I’m hoping to wear them and feel good about it. That being said, I have to admit, this is why I wear dresses. Dresses don’t care how much weight you gain or lose, they pretty much always do the trick.

Reply

16 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] April 4, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Dresses make my thighs rub together, causing friction and possibly a crotch fire.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Yes, I’ll Be Your Prostitute

Reply

17 MommaCakes April 4, 2012 at 5:55 pm

i’ve been wearing J.Crew shorts since i worked back there in the 90′s. they’re the only ones that fit my butt is way larger than my waist short 12 year old sized legs, and i can get them at the outlet on sale every summer. i will say that i have yet to find a pair of denim shorts that i can feel comfortable wearing…denim likes to ride up in places no one wants to see…
An Awesome post on MommaCakes´s blog … Chuck E Cheesus…

Reply

18 Kristin April 7, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I don’t know where you live, but there is a Maurices in Port Orange, and I too have heard good things about it.

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post: