I Need Your Help To Cool Off My Butt

I’m on a mission that will inevitably leave my crying and hating myself.

Living in the Dirty South means surface-of-the-sun-type temperatures from May through September. Now with Al Gore all up in Mother Nature’s business this year, we’re already seeing highs in the 90s in early April.

I hate it.

You’d think that after living in Orlando for the last 15+ years and in Northwest Florida for the 17 years before that, I’d learn to love the heat. I haven’t and I still hate it.

If I looked good in a bikini, I’d live in one for 7 months a year. Since it’s frowned upon to expose young children to blinding reflections, I keep my white jiggly belly under wraps.

To hide my plus-size junk in my trunk, I wear long shorts in lieu of a bikini. You’re welcome, America.

But shopping for those shorts is gut-wrenching, heart-palpitation-inducing, and downright sucky. This may be why I’ve been wearing the same 4 pairs of shorts for the last 2 years.

There’s something to be said for the manufacturer of the shorts that have held up against my sweaty fat ass for the last 2 years, and that “something” is “job well done, Lane Bryant.”

I think it’s high time I got some new shorts. But it’s that shopping mission that will leave me in tears, regretting every Oreo and taco I’ve put in my mouth for the last 15 years.

In my initial reconnaissance of the webstores for the lady of leisure of a certain size, I’ve found exactly ZERO pairs of shorts that

A) are long enough to cover my saddle bags.
B) are short enough to expose my knees.
C) do not give me saggy butt after wearing for an hour.
D) have pockets for my phone.
E) do not resemble spandex bike shorts.

Seriously, friends. The lack of short pants for the size-14-and-up lady is at critical mass.

These stonewash, lightweight (see: this fabric won’t last 3 washings), fake drawstring (for extra bulk in front!) shorts are currently available from Old Navy in up to a size 30.

[Related: I've found where rednecks buy their wedding shorts.]

Sateen does not do anyone with cellulite any favors, Lane Bryant. We all know you’ve photoshopped the model’s cottage cheesy saddlebags out of the picture here. Or maybe she’s wearing Spanx under the capri pants? Because you will not catch me in a pair of constricting unbreathable nylon underthings in 95º heat. I learned my lesson years ago in a yeast infection-related trauma.

Bright blue pull-on, elastic-waist capri pants, Avenue? Is this your version of birth control?

It was just a few years ago that I wrote about stores selling shorts that are wider than they are long. Because this? Is not OK.

I’m in desperate need of your help. I realize this is a nearly impossible question to ask seeing as 90% of the country is still not having summer weather and others of you don’t believe in wearing shorts.

Have you found some shorts you love that you bought in the last month or so? I’m desperate and you’re my only hope.

Tagged as: plus size shorts