Warning*
The older and wiser I get, the lower my inhibitions become. Or maybe that’s the vodka. Whatever the case, I’m pretty much willing to do a lot of stuff without being embarrassed as long as I get paid.
Except…
Wear a bikini.
Ever.
Even if/when/in my dreams when I’m skinny, I will never, ever wear a bikini.
Even if I was paid by Jenny Craig to go on the Oprah show and got to wear some weird binding pantyhose deal that put an bizarre line down the middle of my belly (I’m looking at you, Kirstie Alley).
Oh, Kirstie. The crazy looked good on you then.
Even if I was skinny in the real world, but in Hollywoodland I was considered fat.
Oh, Love. You're beautiful in my book, even if my sister finds you extra annoying.
Even if you just take a picture from behind.
Oh, sweetheart. No. Just, no.
Even if I weighed 76 pounds.
If you add 140 pounds, this me.
Even if it were for a joke at my expense.
That's pretty much me, just without the dark hair & belly scar
I am definitely too chicken shit to put on a bikini.
*Warning: This post contains photographs that may or may not make your eyes bleed, your stomach turn, and/or make you put down that donut.
Tags: bikini, fat, girl talk thursday, skinny
Oh gross….you do NOT look like that last one. Not even close. You are WAY WAY WAY better than that…..without a bikini too!
Twitter: MBonn
says:
Hahaha! Oh my. I’m so there with you.
Twitter: AmazingGreis
says:
Yeah, even if I lost the extra 150 pounds that have some how managed to find their way on to my body, I will likely NEVER EVER EVER wear a bikini!!! #justsayin
OMG these photos…
the last time I wore a bikini was on my honeymoon. I can’t say I’d never wear one again but the likelihood of it is as close to zero as you can get without actually being zero, kind of like my chances of winning the lottery.
This is truly funny. Unfortunately, my eyes did not bleed or my stomach turn – I was hoping, so I could get out of work early. Damn it! Thanks for bring the funny to my morning!
I totally feel you on this one, though I wish I had half the confidence of those larger women you see strutting their bikini-clad stuff out in public. I won’t even try one on in private!
Hilarious! And I’m with you sister. Me in a bikini, not happening.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I am wearing a bikini to BlogHer just to follow you around so that your eyes bleed.
HA! I love that you put the warning at the bottom of the post, so people had to scroll past the pictures to read said warning!
I haven’t worn a bathing suit of any type since 2003. There’s a lot more of me now. I think I’ll take pictures and try to sell them on the internet just so I can go to BlogHer to see Aunt Becky in a bikini.
Twitter: jenty
says:
Oh lordie, that one photo made me pick up a donut!! Eeeuuuww!
Sigh….My belly looks like a shriveled up deflated balloon. I lost all the baby weight, but I still have this belly. My doc told me it was “brown fat” (yes, for real) and not easily burned out despite crazy workout sessions and losing the baby weight. Plus the stretchmarks are so not bikini friendly.
I hate swimsuits.
LOL, I love the disclaimer. I think bikinis are definitely one of those things that deal with ages…after a certain age you should just probably NOT wear them anymore…not string ones anyway
I agree 100%, NEVER. Loving the warning at the end HAHA
I was never brave enough to wear a bikini until I spent a month in Italy. Rented a house with a bunch of friends in a small town that was a family vacation town. Figured if the Italian grandmothers there could wear bikinis (and real looking grandmothers, not Helen Mirren-looking grandmothers), then I could too. No one kicked me off the beach. Very liberating.
Twitter: Tara_R
says:
That was so wrong…
I haven’t put on any sort of bathing suit for about two years. Ain’t gonna happen.
I ain’t skeered, I just choose to abstain.
really !!! the warning is at the end of the post !!! lol. you should of have warned us first, well you are not alone i won’t wear a bikini and i never. so here is to us
Oh, yeah. Much to my husband’s chagrin my bikini days are very, very far behind me.
Saving my life took precedence over leaving a nice scar, so yeah, I won’t be subjecting ANYBODY to that.
Twitter: Al_Pal
says:
*snort*
Well, since I’m ONLY a size 12/14, and kidless, (and confident) I do rock the bikini. Almost always boyshort style, though. Sometimes with men’s boardshorts over. Cuz I am just that much of a hippie. LOL.
(nice warning, chica!) ;0
Oh. My. Word.
You put the damn warning at the END!
Actually, the one that makes me want to be the most ill, is the skinny one. Why do fashion houses think that we like skinny bodies? That photo of kate moss is just gross!
I am sending the last photo to my husband – I think he’ll appreciate it!
I do wear a bikini. Quite possibly many others around me wish I wouldn’t. I am a size 10, so I am not overweight – but having had 2 children means it’s not really all firm any more!! Plus I have the new addition of my gallbladder operation scars – and when they blew my belly up with gas for that operation, I ended up having a third mini pregnancy belly afterwards!
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[...] Really. It’s worth going all the way through to the end of the post. No, this is not a trick to get you to see some horrid fat girl in a swimsuit. [...]