I really could never be a drag queen.
That shit is work. Not like, “You better WORK!” work. But, like actual work in prepping my body shaving and manscaping and buying clothes and stuff.
I’ve had the same makeup in my wee makeup bag for the last 6+ months. I have one color eyeshadow, one lipstick that I can’t even find, and one wrong-shade foundation.
That does not a drag queen make.
Not only would I have to slather on pounds of clown makeup just to leave the house, but I’d have to get a weave, take care of my hair, and actually fix it on a daily basis.
I mean, really. That’s just not possible.
I sit here in 3-days-out jeans, a t-shirt that says “I put the in lazy,” my 4-days-out unwashed hair in a greasy ponytail, with leg hairs so long they’re starting to curl.
I’m pretty much living up to my t-shirt message, but I’m not living up to the challenges of a drag queen girl.
Now that we’re talking about clothes, where does a drag queen buy her clothing? I’m pretty sure it’s not Lane Bryant, Old Navy, or the bottom of my her clean laundry mound. I’m also pretty sure the ladies don’t wear frayed jeans and fluffy socks with their Sketchers.
OH! and the music. I’m definitely not up on club dance music. (Remind me to get a few Gagas, Lamberts, and something featuring Akon.) My teeny tiny rotation of 90s music will not be good enough for the club kids and/or hag crowds when up Doin’ My Thang! on stage.
The most important key to a drag queen’s success that I’m lacking? A fab name. My nickname in high school was Fro (dumb), and since then, I’ve not had any good nicknames and I don’t have the brain power to come up with a catchy drag queen name.
See? I’m a total drag queen fail.
Double fail? The shoes. I live in pretty much Sketchers and gasp Crocs*. Shoes with heels hurt like a mo’fo. Shoes with a heel AND platforms? Forget it. I’d bust my ankle in under 2 seconds.
It’s just not in my nature to be a drag queen, so please, let me live in peace as the schlumpy housewife mommy blogger barf that I am.
And then there’s the whole penis ordeal.
I have drag queen penis envy.
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What? I only wear the Crocs to Disney during the summer months. Don’t hate. Plus, I have foot issues. Back off, eh?
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
I love this post. It’s hysterical. I’m dying of laughter over here.
.-= TJB´s last blog ..The Runaways the band and the movie =-.
i do love heels… a few years ago i could’ve done it… now though? not so much.
.-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..So, As It Turns Out, I’ve Taken This Blogging Thing More Seriously Than Originally Anticipated. =-.
I never EVER go without makeup. I am totally obsessed with my hair. And I will never EVER own a pair of Crocs.
But that is cause I am fabulous. Bow to me.
Maybe Patrick can be the drag queen of the family. Since he has a penis and all.
.-= Mandi Bone´s last blog ..Sick =-.
I am glad you don’t need lots of makeup to look as beautiful as you are.
Besides, I think I’d make a hotter drag queen.
.-= The Husband´s last blog ..Well I thought about the army… =-.
Me and my Crocs totally love You and your Crocs. We are a match made in Lane Bryant non-drag queen heaven!!!
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Top Ten {Tuesday} – Random News =-.
This post could have been written by me—except my music choices are even older and my hair doesn’t pull off the ponytail that well.
.-= Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher}´s last blog ..In the Blink of an Eye =-.
I have a secret dream to be a drag queen. Except that I don’t want a penis. But the fabulousness and the lip-synching to some Kesha? I would love that. Probably because I spend my days in clogs, jeans and a ponytail.
.-= Jerseygirl89´s last blog ..Feed has moved =-.
I totally couldn’t be a drag queen either. I wouldn’t mind being one, but like you said, way too much work involved. And I wanted to fist bump you SO HARD for being in 3-days-out jeans. I wore the same tie-dyed cotton gaucho pants for 4 days last week. I’m actually kinda pissed I had to wash them. Stupid cashier at Target…had to comment about the weird smell. That was a joke. Or maybe it wasn’t, I’ll leave it a mystery.
.-= Tricia´s last undefined ..Response cached until Thu 18 @ 1:05 GMT (Refreshes in 23.84 Hours) =-.
I’ve always wanted a penis.
Sighhhhhh.
Ahem, what were we talking about again??
.-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..Honey, Don’t Bother With The New York Times. They’re Too Busy Slamming Your Mommy. =-.
i agree. drag queendom is way too time consuming! as i sit here in my holy nigh shirt thats pink with cats on it! i couldnt take the damn time to be all girly like they are!! and im pretty dang girly at times.i wont leave home with out my makeup but i also dont use pounds of it each day. as for having a penis.. well i want one for a day.. just so i can screw hump and jack off all damn day long and be ok with it!!!
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