Just where do I get off?
Do you mean like in bed, on the beach, the kitchen table? Or like in the backseat of a Volkswagen?
I’m taking a huge-mongous step back from my own self to re-evaluate how I judge others and myself. I have no right. Last week, I made a mistake. I judged, and I judged harshly.
I had no right.
There is a difference between acting out a fantasy and making that fantasy come true in your mind only. Or even making that fantasy come true in an abbreviated, consensual way.
It is not wrong to have the fantasies your mind conjures.
[Here's where you click away to a pretty picture if you're related to me or don't want to know personal things about me.]
I read salacious, dirty, intriguing, beguiling, punishing, loving, heart-wrenching, enlightening stories.
Because I like it.
But why do I like it?
Because I’ve been this way my whole life.
At 36-year-old, I have been with to the same man for 18 years. I wasn’t a virgin when I got married at age 22. *not a shocker* HE didn’t take my virginity when we started dating when we were both 18. By the time I met the boy I would eventually marry, I had already punished myself in ways I am now coming to realize wasn’t actually punishment.
It was just me.
I craved the attention of boys, first by chasing them on the playground, putting them in a corner, holding them down to kiss them, listening to them tell me what they wanted to do to me, putting their hands down my pants, pushing my head down into their laps, listening to him berate me for liking him yet keeping me on an imaginary leash, making out with more than one boy at a time, allowing two boys to share me, sleeping over at their houses while they left me to be with another girl, and finally willingly going home with them from a bar then later drinking something that he may have slipped a roofie into.
Then HE saved me.
I thought I was being saved from depravity.
HE simply diverted my attention away from all the other boys and onto him. Now I can say THANK GOD because I didn’t have the tools or knowledge with which to reign in what I needed.
Had HE not coming along and had I now known how to focus my needs, I would have ended up making life decisions that would have put me in a place that would be nearly impossible to get out of.
Reading the books that I read, I’ve learned that I was not a bad person. I don’t deserve the last 18 years of negativity I’ve put my own self through. Not only was I a girl when I did those things, I was not wrong to do them. I could have made better decisions, but at the time, I didn’t know better.
Now I do know better.
Thank you to the people who have helped open my mind to understand that I was not a bad person.
I fully understand that what I’m reading is fiction, fantasies of the author written for the reader.
I just finished reading The Siren by Tiffany Reisz.
[5/5 Stars, XXX+ Rated]
(She) shivered in that eternal moment as a light, white and winged, brushed over her shoulder and settled somewhere she could not see.
It’s not just her words that are the impetus to my revelation, but rather the build-up of the last few years that is opening my mind up to life’s possibilities. But it is at this time and with this book that I’ve picked to represent my revelation.
So where do I get off judging others for the sins of my own self-judgements? I don’t.
I just get off knowing there is nothing wrong with me that can’t be cured by my own mind, and I only need to forgive myself for my own reactions, not the actions of me as a girl searching to find who she is.
I love her and in some ways I’m jealous of her freedom. But going back is not an option. I am going forward with HIM, more open to accepting me, the freak, getting off.