Justin Bieber Is The Renesmee To My Jacob

If you’re unfamiliar with the touching storyline of Jacob Black imprinting on Renesmee Cullen, you may not understand any of what I’m going to say.

I’ll try to explain.

At some point in their lives, the werewolf Quileute tribespeople LaPush in Washington state will imprint on another person who will then become their lifelong protector. And probably their soul mate and eventual lover. Bu that’s really up for debate.

For the duration of the four Twilight books, Jacob seeks out the subject of his imprintation. He stalks random women in parks, afraid that in his long 18 years of life, he’s yet to find the subject on which to spurt his soul’s desire. It’s not something he can choose; it’s something innate in his DNA that will form a pair-bond and no one shall tear asunder.

It’s fictional biology. Don’t question it.

Also, it’s been 4 years since I read the book, so the details may be muddled.

Near the end of Breaking Dawn, the 4th Twilight installment, Bella and Edward’s 1/2 vampire-1/2 human love child, Renesmee eats her way out of Bella’s womb, and is born as the most beautiful 1/2 vampire-1/2 human baby ever to live. A few days after her birth, her accelerated growth rate has turned her into a toddler, then quickly into a young child.

And that’s when Jacob gets up the courage to go see the supernatural spawn.

And that’s when Jacob’s DNA takes over and spurts imprintation all over Renesmee.

And that’s when all of us freaks who understand that it’s not a sex thing, but rather a life-long guardian thing, and that Jacob will forever be Renesmee’s protector and probable adult lover.

Just like René Angélil and Céline Dion.

And that’s exactly what happened with me and Justin Bieber.

He may now be legal, but from afar, I want only to protect and defend him. I want to watch over his blossoming career, enjoying what he has to offer the world, all while seeing him as the subject of my spurts of imprintation.

I’m holding off on seeing him as the subject of my carnal desires for at least another 5 years so that he has the chance to get over 150 pounds. I need for my fantasy menfolk to be able to realistically hold me up when they spurt their imprintations on me.

For now, Justin Bieber will be the Renesmee to my Jacob, the subject of my DNA’s protective desires. It’s totally not creepy.

Twilight image credit Entertainment Weekly; Bieber image credit Island Records

Tagged as: celine dion, jacob black, justin bieber, rene angelil, renesemee cullen, twilight