Ladies! Meet your bachelor, Avitable!

by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on February 16, 2010

in Friends

I’m a people person. Meaning, I like people. MY people. I don’t really much care for those other people who are douchbag turdburglars.

I’m good to my friends. I like to make sure they’re happy as long as it doesn’t inconvenience me.

I want my friends to be happy. I’d like to be a matchmaker, but I don’t know many single people.

An internet friend/real friend just moved out on his own for the first time in his adult life as the start of his divorce. He doesn’t have children, and most people who read his blog didn’t even realize he was married when he announced his divorce.

Avitable is a man who needs a woman.

He may hole up in his house scheming his takeover of all things rude, crude, and generally inappropriate, but he needs a woman with whom to share that solitude.

He’s a manly girlie man with a rock heart of jello.

He’ll stick up for you and support you until his dying breath unless you touch his massive comic book collection.

He’ll take you to any of the best restaurants within a 20 mile radius of his house, but only if the other days of the week you cook for him or order in. He’s notsomuch a talent in the kitchen.

He’ll let you talk about your vag issues and even offer advice as he has a man pussy of his own.

This honorary girl is the bear man for you if you’re looking for a lover of the finer things in life: Star Wars, bad TV, and comic books.

Come on ladies. Your man is ready for you to do his laundry.

Submit your Lover Resume below.

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{ 63 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Avitable February 16, 2010 at 11:15 pm

I like GOOD TV, thank you very much. And I can cook, but I just choose not to. I also have sympathy PMS, which can have both pros and cons.

No uggos may apply.


2 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 9:49 am

damn. if i weren’t married, i’d be all over that like mayonnaise on your fleshlight.


3 Amo February 16, 2010 at 11:20 pm


Oh, wait, I’m married already.

Will he be my man-bitch at least?


4 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 9:49 am

Britt already claimed him for that.


5 Avitable February 16, 2010 at 11:28 pm

And now I’m going to try to subscribe to comments to see the hotties lining up.


6 Karen Sugarpants February 16, 2010 at 11:41 pm

When the hell did he join My Chemical Bromance?


7 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 9:50 am

he’s exploring his feminine side.


8 Miss Britt February 17, 2010 at 11:04 am

heh – that’s a picture from our rock band party – he doesn’t usually wear makeup. lol


9 Karen Sugarpants February 17, 2010 at 11:28 am

in public…


10 palinode February 16, 2010 at 11:42 pm

The eyebrows concern me. They look charged with a kind of malice. They have an evil intent. The question I can’t help asking is, Can he control his eyebrows? Who’s in charge here?

The goatee is disarming, though, and the flip of hair at the forehead persuades me that Avitable is more than the sum of his eyebrows. Unfortunately I’m a happily married man.


11 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 9:50 am

you know he waxes, right? they’re like that ON PURPOSE.


12 Amy February 16, 2010 at 11:43 pm

Is he wearing eyeliner?


13 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 9:55 am



14 Chibi Jeebs February 16, 2010 at 11:45 pm

I’d totally take Avitable on a date if I was into polyamory, eyeliner and all.


15 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 9:58 am

i think girls should have more than one man.


16 Zoeyjane February 16, 2010 at 11:46 pm

The Green Day-esque eyeline was disconcerting, until you specified that I can talk about vagina. That’s all a girl ever really dreams of. I’m in.


17 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:00 am

you’re be the PERFECT woman for adam. he’d do a good job taking care of you and Z.

either that, or it’d make for some incredible blog fodder.


18 Karl February 16, 2010 at 11:58 pm

Hell with that. He already spurned my advances once. I shan’t let him do it again.


19 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:00 am

you’re not girlie enough for him.


20 Colleen - Mommy Always Wins February 17, 2010 at 12:05 am

I’ve just got to make a point to come back and keep up on all these great comments. Though married, I will forever have a soft spot in my heart for Avitable for using the words “like throwing a hot dog down a hall way” when writing about that family with the 19 kids. {::swoon::}


21 Colleen - Mommy Always Wins February 17, 2010 at 12:08 am

D’OH! I should have said “when writing about what sex must be like with the Mom who has 19 kids”…it totally made sense in my head at the time…


22 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:01 am

i love that what you know about adam is him commenting about throwing a hot dog down a vagina.


23 Miss February 17, 2010 at 12:17 am

I’m more of a one night stand kinda girl who enjoys going commando. Seems he’s looking for more. *sniff* Oh well.

He’s gonna make some other lady very lucky.


24 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:02 am

i’m sure he wouldn’t mind a one-nighter w/ you as long as video was OK.


25 Miss February 17, 2010 at 12:18 am

Also holy outdated info that got saved in here. Ah well. Damn firefox.


26 Little Miss Sunshine State February 17, 2010 at 12:29 am

I would offer myself, but I’m old enough to be his mother. That would make me a Cougar and I’m not sure I want THAT on my resume.


27 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:04 am

i’m sure he’d take on a caretaker wifey.


28 Little Miss Sunshine State February 17, 2010 at 10:58 am

Oh! So this could turn out to be like Big Love! I’ll do his laundry and bake cookies and he’ll take me to the movies!


29 Janelle February 17, 2010 at 12:45 am

Adam will make someone very happy. I’m excited to see the gem that he finds 🙂 She will be a very lucky girl.


30 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:06 am

that’s for sure.


31 Moon HalloranLeady February 17, 2010 at 12:58 am

Adam? You rock. And if I weren’t a few, ok, several years older and otherwise engaged you would be first on my list 🙂 I sure do lurves me an intelligent geek with eyeliner in the morning. But wait! I already have one of those, sans the eyeliner and with much longer hair…and geekier…oh well.

But damn, Adam. “Sexeeeee GIRRRLFRIEND!!! ”

hugs and many good smooshies….the Big D sucks…I know



32 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:12 am

“Sexeeeee GIRRRLFRIEND!!! ” totally made me giggle.


33 Carissajaded February 17, 2010 at 1:32 am

Ummm I have many vag issues i need to discuss. and also i like nerdy things… i think im th one for him. LOL


34 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:12 am

he’ll be contacting you…


35 Breigh February 17, 2010 at 2:43 am

I think you’d get a lot more interest if you you didn’t choose the Lambert photo 😛

I’d totally be lining up for my share if I wasn’t married already. I’ll ask hubby anyway, just in case!


36 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:18 am

if you don’t like the lambert-esque photo, you won’t like adam.


37 Breigh February 17, 2010 at 10:30 am

I already know I like Adam, I just like him better without makeup 😉 I don’t date men who wear more eyeliner than I do! or uhh any men actually, but you know what I mean.


38 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:32 am

yeah, but for a costume it’s ok, right? RIGHT?


39 Breigh February 17, 2010 at 10:40 am

Yeah of course 🙂 Maybe the photo just doesn’t work for me because I hate Adam Lambert with the fire of a thousand suns!


40 Mandi Bone February 17, 2010 at 9:02 am

Hey! Adam is my chance to move to Flordia.As long as he is into women who already married,with two small childern,have a crazy love for Disney,and have never seen any of the stars wars films.


41 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:20 am

you could TOTALLY be the woman for adam! cept for that damn husband you have. sheesh.


42 The Husband February 17, 2010 at 9:35 am

I’m just proud to be on his would fuck twitter list.


43 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:25 am

i’m honored.


44 Nancy February 17, 2010 at 9:36 am

Hmmmm. I’ve already snagged a Teddy bear-like Florida boy with a comic book fettish and a penchant for odd sexual humor. Hmmm. Is Adam interested inthe position of vice-boyfriend? In the event that Steve is unable to serve out his duties as my love slave, I’ll be thrilled to have Adam in his place. However, be advised that waxing and margarita-making skills may be required.


45 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:29 am

GAH. couldn’t you have waited for adam to become available? sheesh.


46 Nancy February 17, 2010 at 11:29 am

Hindsight’s always 20/20. It’s probably for the best, though. I don’t think Adam could hack the Vegas summers.


47 habanerogal February 17, 2010 at 9:37 am

Hmm star wars and vagina chat its a win-win. Sadly I am up here in the land of real beavers


48 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:31 am

adam would totally let you move down for him.


49 Faiqa February 17, 2010 at 9:55 am

When I was in high school, I had this friend that went to prom with her best guy friend. They ended up diong what 90% of seniors do on prom night. She said it was like being with a girl. I imagine that’s how it would be with Adam.

Wait. Maybe IT WAS ADAM that my friend went to prom with. Oh, no, that means he would have to have sex in high school. And having known him then, I can say that was an impossibility.


I think you should drive that he’s a girl thing harder as a pitching point… you know, if a woman has bisexual tendencies, she could hook up with Adam without offering up her sexual preferences for gossip fodder. Like a best of both worlds kind of thing. He could be her hairy butch lover.



50 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:34 am

ohhhh good point. butchy women for adam.


51 Tara R. February 17, 2010 at 10:07 am

Guy-liner and Cupie Doll hair? Had no idea Adam was metro-masculine, but he pulls it off well.


52 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 10:35 am

totally do-able.


53 AmazingGreis February 17, 2010 at 11:06 am

Adam should submit a video application to the real Bachelor show. If he were on he could have 25 women fighting over him for a rose and booze and it would make for great tv. I would totally watch the show then. 🙂

Oh, wait, I’m single…I guess I should submit a resume, but I don’t have one. Do I lose points for that?


54 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 11:12 am

no resume needed. you’d totally be awesome for adam. i’ll set you up.


55 Miss Britt February 17, 2010 at 11:09 am

This may be the most disturbing picture of anyone ever used for pimping purposes. Poor Adam. LOL


56 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 17, 2010 at 11:12 am

if the woman or gay man can handle that, they can handle adam.


57 Allyson February 17, 2010 at 12:18 pm

I’ve been waiting for Avitable to be single for a long time so he could have the chance to fall madly in love with me. But then I went and had children, so I know he won’t be able to look past that and get to the awesomeness that I truly am. Timing’s a bitch, ain’t it?


58 Aunt Becky February 17, 2010 at 12:22 pm

*waggles eyebrows* Hey there, Avitable. I’m, uh, 5’5 and I don’t like romantic anything. Also, I love metal music and slapping asses.


59 pixielation February 17, 2010 at 2:53 pm

I’ve seen his ball sack.

Wait… what do you mean everyone has?


60 thepsychobabble February 17, 2010 at 4:31 pm

I have a 21yr old sister who doesn’t cook, but likes her video games, and the outdoors….and actually, never mind. Adam is probably girlier than she is. (And I love you both for it)

Oh, I have a former highschool friend that is 25 and…, never mind. I forgot that she just married Husband #3 (and babydaddy #4)

How does Adam feel about older women? My mother-in-law is threatening husband #5 with divorce, so she should be available in about 6mos. She’s short, red-headed, and owns a restaurant, so she can totally cook like crazy good food. Please? If you take her to Florida, I swear I will love you forEVAH.

I kid. I wouldn’t wish that woman on anyone.
Good luck Adam. If only I didn’t have that whole husband/children thing going on, I’d throw my own hat in the ring. Ah, well….


61 Kim February 17, 2010 at 5:23 pm

I think you should totally use that picture when you put the billboard up with his number on it.

Wait, was that supposed to be a surprise ?


62 Miss Grace February 17, 2010 at 5:28 pm

I dunno Adam waxes his eyebrows, and I don’t. Does that mean he’s higher maintenance than I am?

Is his hair gelled into a fauxhawk? I think that DEFINITELY means he’s higher maintenance than I am….
Although based on his twitter lists he *would* fuck me…


63 Nenette February 17, 2010 at 7:33 pm

I’d throw my panties in the ring, but I’m all spoken for and everything.
Too bad. We could’ve had beautiful fuzzy-browed, Alfalfa-like, eyelinered, Star-War-lovin’, nerd babies together. Or something less scary.


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