Lock Up Your Daughters And Put The Fear Of Castration In Your Sons

by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on September 26, 2012

in All About Me,Family

Lock up your daughters and put the fear of castration in your sons.

Save them from being broken like I was.

Yesterday was a revelation of sorts, even if it was jut a revelation in my own mind. I was manipulated, and I let it happen. Yes, I was only a teenager, but I still let it happen.

I was weak like that.

Luckily, I’m stronger now that it’s been 18 years.

My sister read the post yesterday. I didn’t want her to and warned against any family members from reading, but she’s a masochist and read anyway.

I’m glad she did.

Now she wants to maim the asshole who hurt me 18+ years ago.

I told her a few things about what he did. It was never physical, but the mind-fuck games he played were longer lasting.

I was 15.

He would kiss me.

He would touch me.

He would tell me I wasn’t his girlfriend.

He wouldn’t kiss me if other people were around.

He didn’t want me around when other people were.

He would laugh at me when I cried.

He would say he was coming to my house and then didn’t.

He would tell me to come to his house and then not be there.

He would tell me he liked my friends.

He would tell me he wanted my sister.

He would tell me I was stupid.

He would tell me I was gullible.

He would pinch the fat on my near-anorexic hips.

He would tell me he wanted a girlfriend with a flatter stomach.

He left for two weeks to visit family, promising to call but never did.

He came back and told me he gave up his virginity to his cousin.

I gave him mine to keep his attention.

A year later, he laughed in my face and told me how stupid I was for believing him when he told me he had slept with his cousin.

A year after that, he called me to his dorm room, paid me the attention I wanted on the floor of his living room, then told me to leave.

It was the last time I saw him.

I was 18.

HE saved me. HE has loved me. HE has loved me longer than I have loved him, but only by a few weeks. HE still likes to hold that over me, always teasing.

HE hates him.

HE hates him for the mess of me he left for HIM.

18 years later, and I still cry over the mind-fuck, even though he no longer has any power over me. He had power over the girl I was.

I am no longer that beautiful girl.

I am no longer broken.

HE loves me, and I love HIM more.

Today is our 14th wedding anniversary. Today, this needed to come out for me. It is released and out and I will no longer shed a tear because of him.

My parents did nothing wrong; I was who I was. I don’t blame them for any of that. I thank them for allowing me to figure things out on my own.

I will do everything in my power to protect my daughters from boys like him. I need to show them that his kind of attention won’t be needed.

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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Hockeymandad September 26, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Correction…you ARE still that beautiful girl. More so even. I love you.

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2 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] September 26, 2012 at 10:40 pm

I love you more.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Just Where Do I Get Off?

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3 Shannon September 26, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I am so sorry for that beautiful girl. And I am so happy for the beautiful woman that she turned into. Happy Anniversary!
And Hockeymandad? You get a big high five from me!
An Awesome post on Shannon´s blog … More Than Just a Game?

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4 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] September 26, 2012 at 10:40 pm

I’m pretty damn lucky.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Just Where Do I Get Off?

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5 Joules September 27, 2012 at 2:51 am

I’d say you both are. Happy anni, beautiful lady!
An Awesome post on Joules´s blog … Fall Food Stuffz

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6 MommaCakes September 26, 2012 at 3:58 pm

I had no idea it was that bad, and crazy that we were both going through the same thing at the same time. Wish I could give you a hug right now (and Hockeymandad for saving you)…
An Awesome post on MommaCakes´s blog … Belize…

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7 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] September 26, 2012 at 10:41 pm

We were. I remember. Makes me sick to think we have that in common.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Just Where Do I Get Off?

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8 Michelle September 26, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Just remember, no shame. Be proud of who you are. Accept it, and move forward. Love yourself, as HE and all the others in your life do, and your girls will know and understand.

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9 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] September 26, 2012 at 10:42 pm

No shame, that’s for sure.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Just Where Do I Get Off?

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10 Diana Kimmel September 26, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Ang,
Confessions such as this can be very freeing, I’m sure you feel like a weight has been lifted. I bet if you polled your friends and family you would see that we all have similar stories to tell, just that some people can’t for fear of exposure. I can totally relate to your story in many ways; only I was much younger and so naive!
Feel free to correct the punctuation or lack of.
Love ya!
Aunt D

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11 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] September 26, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Unfortunately, naivety is sniffed out and preyed upon.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Just Where Do I Get Off?

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12 Amy M. September 26, 2012 at 4:36 pm

You are a brave, amazing, hilarious, and beautiful woman! Good for you for releasing it. I have been through similar issues, and just like you I have been blessed to find my HIM!! May we all be strong for our daughters and help them be amazing confident women!

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13 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] September 26, 2012 at 10:44 pm

All I can do is show them how they’re supposed to be treated.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Just Where Do I Get Off?

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14 Michelle September 26, 2012 at 4:41 pm

The world needs more Hockeymandads.

You are also a beautiful person and no matter what happened in the past, it only still has power if you let it.

Hugs to both of you and Happy Anniversary! =)
An Awesome post on Michelle´s blog … Why Procrastination is Not Always a Bad Thing

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15 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] September 26, 2012 at 10:45 pm

YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Just Where Do I Get Off?

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16 Angie's FAVOURITE (and proud) sister September 26, 2012 at 6:01 pm

You’re wrong – I said eviscerate – not maim. Maim would be too kind.

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17 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] September 26, 2012 at 10:45 pm

He doesn’t deserve big words.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … Just Where Do I Get Off?

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18 Yo Mama September 27, 2012 at 1:12 am

I LOVE you. Sending giant squeeze hugs.

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19 Cindy September 27, 2012 at 9:03 am

It takes a strong person to say out loud the things we normally keep quiet about. We all have things in our past and maybe our present, but as you say, NO SHAME. We make choices, sometimes choices are made for us, but either way, we become who we are. When we are blessed with someone like your husband (and mine for that matter) we can be comfortable sharing, healing, and experiencing life and love and lust in a safe way. Safe for ourselves, I mean.
As for our daughters, we teach them how we should be treated and they see how their dad treats you. Most important lessons.
Happy Anniversary! Here is to many more years.

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20 Lori September 28, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Geez. I’m so sorry. Guys can be total dicks. I wish I could hug you right now.
An Awesome post on Lori´s blog … Zucchini Bake

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21 b October 23, 2012 at 5:48 am

This sounds so much like my relationship with my first boyfriend. I was 19, naive, shy…I’d never even kissed anyone.

He was my best friend.
Asked me to be his girlfriend.
He told me he wanted to kiss me.
He kissed me.
He swept me off my feet with beautiful words and romantic gestures.
We dated about three weeks before he broke up with me.
Then, and only then, did he drop the gentlemen act and start trying to get in my pants.
What followed was three months of….hell before I told him to leave.
He’d make out with me if no one was looking.
He’d touch me in the dark at night.
He’d slide me hand down into his pants.
He’d tell me he had crushes on my female friends.
He’d tell me to change my clothes, that he didn’t like my haircut, that I wasn’t enough for him, that I should clean my room, that he didn’t like what I was wearing, that I needed to get my nails done, that I was beautiful even when I cried and that he couldn’t live without me, that if he didn’t love me he’d have already fucked me.
The back and forth. The mixed messages. The hell.
Then he started ignoring me. Making fun of me in front of my friends and family. Lying to me. Treating me like literal garbage. I lasted three months before I just fell apart. And then I missed him. I missed him for almost two years before I fell in love with the guy I’m still with almost six years later. Before I realized that what happened wasn’t normal. That I deserved better. That I was beautiful, smart, funny….That it had been manipulation. That it had been emotionally abusive. That I had to let go and fall in love with someone who treated me so much better.

Thank you so, so, so much for sharing this. I’m sorry you lived this. I needed to hear these words…to know I wasn’t alone. Thank you. Thank you for letting me write a novel in your comments….to get it all out. Thank you for using your voice and being courageous. Thank you.

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22 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] October 23, 2012 at 9:57 am

Wow. Thank YOU so much for being brave enough to share with me what you went through. It’s taken me a very long time to realize that what he did was just NOT OK. I’m glad you’re in a much better situation, too.
An Awesome post on Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s blog … This Is What Adult-Onset ADD Looks Like

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