There are very few things that get me riled up enough to take to the internet.
Gay marriage equality? ACTIVIST!
Melanoma awareness? ACTIVIST!
I’m not shy about voicing my feelings about what other people say or post online to social media channels as it relates to TV shows, movies, and books. I won’t apologize for my beliefs or my reasoning.
I go so far as to never watch the “coming on the next episode of…,” I almost never read snippets of upcoming book releases, and I sure as hell never EVER read the first chapter teaser of an unreleased book.
My theory: I’m too smart not to figure out the storyline of a TV/movie/book from the teaser to enjoy the surprises in store for me when I get to watch/read the full show/movie/book.
That’s right—I just said I’m too smart.
[EDITED 6.4.13—Please know that I'm not saying that teasers are a bad thing; not at all. They're just (for the most part) not for me. I publish and share teasers, I've read them, and I'll continue to publish and share them. Teasers are not spoilers.]
I like surprises in my fantasy life. Surprises in my real life are a no-no—just ask Patrick.
And yes, I expect everyone THE WORLD OVER to follow my rules for a No-Spoiler Lifestyle.
RULE 1—The Warning
Do not ever ever never “warn” me about an upcoming plot line twist. *cough*Dad*cough* When you warn me, I’ll anticipate what you got the privilege of being surprised over. I like the surprise; don’t take it away from me. This goes for before AND during the viewing and/or reading.
RULE 2—24-Hour TV Show Wait Time
Regarding a particularly exciting TV show episode or finale, never ever never reveal any particulars about said episode or result until a FULL 24 HOURS has passed since the airing. This is especially true for social media outlets.
Don’t be a dick and sit on your computer or phone during Game of Thrones and be that guy who tweets: “HOLY SHIT—JOFFREY JUST ORDERED NED’S HEAD BE CHOPPED OFF! #First” Every single Game of Thrones devotee who sees your tweet before getting to watch the show (either because geography or DVR recording) will hate you for the rest of your life. Save your specifics for tomorrow.
Try tweeting your excitement over a plot twist with intrigue. For example: “HOLY SHIT—TONIGHT’ #GoT IS A MUST-SEE ASAP! #IAmNotADick” This way, your friends and followers are aware and warned that they should make watching the show a priority and that you will probably be talking about it very soon. After the allotted 24 hours post airing has passed, there’s no hold barred. You’re free to give details, show pictures, and email all your friends with abandon.
RULE 2 EXCEPTION—Award Shows
I live-tweet award shows like a mo’fo because award shows are a different animal. Nowadays, they are shown live coast-to-coast, and if they aren’t, those on the West coast are smart enough to avoid social media if they’re interested in the outcome. Besides—no one really cares about the winners of an awards show 24 hours later anyway, so what’s the point in saving the discussion?
I swear by all that is holy to me (see: my children, my TiVo, my Kindle, my Lappytop), if you take to the internet and say something even close to, “I LOVE THE HAPPY ENDING OF *insert name of the book you’ve been waiting 6 months to read*!!1!exclamation1!!!”? I will come to your house and break your e-reader in half with my bare hands. You are the worst kind of human being on social media. This is precisely why I am extra careful in my book recommendations to be vague about plot and character details.
Now that these easy-to-follow rules for a No-Spoiler Lifestyle have been established, let’s all do our best to live by them. It’s for the sake of my sanity that we’re all together on this.
You’re welcome, fellow no-spoiler activists.