WARNING: The preceding information is sexual in nature and is not appropriate for children, anyone who wants to believe I’ve remained celibate, or squares.
AN OPEN INFORMATIONAL LETTER TO MEN IN NEED OF SEXUAL CLARIFICATION IN THE POST-FIFTY SHADES OF GREY WORLD.
You thought you knew your woman, but she’s changed. She may have recently read what has been called “trash,” “porn,” “literary drivel,” and despite the books’ sub-par educational reading level, they have made her realize that she wants more from you. Even if she hasn’t read 50 Shades or any other romance books recently, she’s hearing from her friends that sex can be better.
Your lady wants all up on your junk, and she wants you all up in her business. A lot. And she doesn’t just want a weekly missionary mission of necessity; she wants mind-blowing orgasms from you.
Don’t get lucky; make her a sure thing. On behalf of the womenfriends I’ve crowd-sourced, below is a list of instructions for you to make your lady want to be below, on top of, and wrapped around you more times in a week than you can probably handle. But you’re a man, right? Step up for your woman, and learn how she wants you to take her.
- Use Your Words
Tell her what you want. I know it sounds like a “No-Duh” request, but your lady doesn’t want to make and ASS out of U and ME. If you want her mouth on your bits, tell her. If you want her to scratch your head while you lay on her boobs watching The Daily Show, tell her. Women don’t want to be approached by a limp-dick weak man, asking permission for something you want. This can be a touchy (heh) subject, and every girl is different. Some girls want you to woo her into sex, and other girls want you to tell her straight-out what you want her to do. This is not a demand; this is an instruction. Women do their best work when the expectation is clear. And trust me, you want her to do her best work on you.
- Use Your Mouth
Not every lady’s Down There is a Georgia O’Keeffe painting come to life. Our delicate bits are just that: delicate. Treat it with care; just make sure you treat it. [Amirite, ladies! *girlie high-5*] Your fingers can feel amazing just as your wang feels amazing when they’re all up in her Chunnel Of Love. But seeing, feeling, having your face down between her legs? It’s erotically mindlessly mind-blowing. Don’t be shy to read up on how to perform oral services. Get to know the anatomy of what’s going on, where things are, and why it is what it is. If you’d rather not go spelunking in her Lady Forest, ask her to do some deforestation. Don’t be shy to ask that she “clean up down there” before you head downtown. She wants you to be comfortable with what she’s got going on. The last thing she wants is to look down and see your face scrunched up in disgust at her ladyhood.
- Use Your Eyes
Look at yourself, now look at your lady. Neither one of you is a 10 on the scale of hotness. Work with what you have and what your lady has. You probably love her or like her enough to want to see her O Face, so get over the paunch (yours and hers) and ignore the blemishes (of the face and ass-type). Use your words to tell her she’s beautiful and believe that she is. Look at her like she’s pretty; she notices that kind of stuff. It’s a scientific fact that you may not see the admiration in her eyes when she looks at you, but she’ll see the lack of appreciation for her in your eyes. That look of lust you give her that she’ll notice is a one-way pass to Pound Town.
- Use Your Manhood
Baby Jesus made you a man for a reason; reach down deep into your balls and use your testosterone. Go caveman on her ass, literally and figuratively. While respecting the fine line between force and domination, you can test her limits of your bedroom authority. You should know your woman well enough to ask her if she wants a little pain with her pleasure. And if she wants it, by golly, give it to her! Spank her, flip her over, put her legs where you need them, hold on to her hair. Just remember that fine line and walk it.
- Use Your Head
Be a full-service man. There’s no bigger turn-on for your lady of the house than seeing you doing the dishes, packing the lunches, or shopping for dinner. Wooing your woman doesn’t start at 11pm, hoping that she’ll de-pants herself by 11:05. Send her a text during the day telling her what you’re going to do for her and to her. Feel her up in the hallway. Whisper naughty things in her ear while she’s standing at the stove cooking your dinner. Tell her where you want her and when. You won’t “get lucky” because she’ll be a sure thing.
Manfriends, it’s really simple: when she’s happy, you will be happy. Now go be a man and give it to her good.
Love & Down There kisses,
image: Georgia O’Keeffe