“Mama, do NOT put that on the internet.”

I promised I wouldn’t.

I lied to my kids, and I have no regret.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: anna, caught dancing, claire, dancing video, kids dancing

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There must be some kind of omen about a chicken crossing the road right in front of you. Or maybe an old wive’s tale. Or maybe this is normal when you’re not in Suburbia.

Watching a chicken cross the road right in front of your car isn’t something that happens every day to a suburbanite. Or really, happens ever in my Pleasantville planned community. Though I did see some girls riding horses on the main road through our manufactured town once, and it wasn’t even during the holiday parade.

A chicken crossed the road in front of my car this past weekend when I was out in Downtown MethHead, Florida with my girls, mom, sister, and her kids. I’m pretty sure I heard it cluck, “BAWK BAWK, MOTHERFUCKER!” as it passed by. Now that I think about it, that chicken probably knows Jenny’s Beyonce.

We were coming from the U-Pick, side-of-the-road farm where we picked strawberries with our own hands, and for the whole 20 minutes it took us to pick 6 quarts of farm-fresh fruits, we were damn farmers.

Clearly the chicken who crossed the road smelled our freshly dirtied feet from afar, and it felt safe crossing in front of my minivan.

Picking strawberries in the boonies was a teachable moment for our suburban kids.

“See, kids. Your food doesn’t really come from plastic bags! Your food comes from people with very dirty feet. And, kids, if you want some Oxy, you can follow that chicken back to its coop where it nests in some methhead family’s living room. Just bring me back some farm-fresh eggs.”

I’m never at a loss for finding ways to teach my children the ways of life in Florida.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: anna, chicken cross the road, claire, kids, nolan, picking strawberries

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Oreo
I love you so.

As you turn 100,
I turn 35-1/2.
Coincidence?
I think not.

The kids and the milk,
They love you.

The way your chocolatey
Crumbles
Make their way into my
Teeth,

Remind me
That
I need to
Brush.

I love you,
Oreo.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: anna, claire, oreos, Pictures

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© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: 2012, anna, claire, oscars, predictions, video

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The only reason to have kids is to create clone humans to take your place when you kick off.

Any other reason to breed pales in comparison to nature’s need to reproduce your genes. Unconditional love, feelings of worthiness, premature ejaculation, and one-upping your sister all fall into a distant 2nd place for reasons to spawn.

Patrick and I are raising our girls for us to each have our own Mini Me, as you can see in this photo I took this past weekend at Star Tours.

We’re successfully raising goofball, Star Wars-loving, Disney World-going nerds who will do pretty much anything for a laugh to replace us when we die.

You’re welcome, universe.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 6 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: anna, claire, Disney World, hollywood studios, instagram, star tours, star wars, walker

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I don’t often brag about living in Florida. Except I’m lying. Going to the beach in December is pretty effing Awesome.

Just be glad I didn’t take a picture of the margarita I drank while the sun set over the Gulf.

I’m slightly jealous of everyone else’s cooler weather. And I’m definitely jealous of everyone else’s summer weather. But days like today are when I feel it’s appropriate to flaunt my state.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: anna, beach, claire, florida, gulf of mexico, nolan, paige, photos, sunset, tampa

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It’s too early to decorate for Santa’s birthday, but it’s not to early to start shopping for the short people in this house.

Considering we’re not so good at the whole “saving” thing, we have to start buying for that cheap bastard to get all of the credit in early November. It basically gives us up until January to pay our bills 2 months late in order to shower the small people with way too many presents that were supposed to have been dropped off by some strange Jolly Man who entered the house overnight through the dishwasher*.

*If you’re a house like ours in Florida without a chimney, Santa sneaks in through the dishwasher. 

We took a trip to our BRAND! NEW! TOYS R US! this weekend, and using our fancy iPhones, we created gift lists for the girls. Needless to say, they wanted everything to be scanned to their Gift List and a few things put in the basket to take home immediately.

See: Leaving a toy store without buying the kids at least one thing would be a death wish for the rest of your happy day. No amount of discipline or parenting skills will negate this fact. 

The tops wished-for items on my Claire’s Christmas List? Hello Kitty anything, makeup, jewelry-making kits, and Squinkies.

The quintessential girl’s girl, thanks to the DNA-influence of her two aunts.

The #1 wished-for items on my Anna’s Christmas List? Books.

I’m raising a 7-year-old nerd. 

Books are expensive, yo. They may only be $4-9 apiece, but when the kid reads no less than 8 books a week, it gets pricey. Don’t start to tell me about the fancy library with its fancy free books, because we here in the Lynchipoo house are lackadaisical at best when it comes to actually returning borrowed books.

See: The $54 late fee charge from July I just paid in October.

We’re considering giving the 7-year-old genius child in our house a Kindle for Christmas.

Are we crazy?

Anna may be the next Doogie Howser MD, but she’s still a 7-year-old kid with 7-year-old kid accountability standards. She loses things, she keeps random papers for posterity, she forgets to hand in late homework.

If she had a Kindle, would she lose it in less than a week? Can I trust her to take it to school so she can read there?

Why are we considering giving the girl-genius a Kindle? She can borrow library books on the Kindle FOR FREE that don’t have to actually be returned, thus saving us an estimated at least $54 in one month.

We’ll try it out with her when I get my first very own Kindle in two weeks.

I’m kind of nervous that she DOESN’T do well with it, because if she doesn’t we don’t have a back-up plan for what to do about all these future library fees.

Again, are we crazy? No really, I’m asking for serious.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 28 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: amazon, anna, christmas list, e reader, kindle, wish list

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How many posts can I publish in a row that are just pictures of my kids? This makes 4 (unsponsored) posts in a row where the main idea of my story is pictures of my kids.

This is telling of something, but I’m not sure of what, unless it’s just of me being extra super lazy while I write elsewhere.

Or, maybe I’m just doing you a favor by giving you a post that you don’t have to read.

Consider these pictures exercise for your eyes and not your brain.

These are the nice things I do for you people.

You? Are welcome.

But seriously, how cute are my girls running with their tongues out?

Yes, I am asking.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: anna, ariel, claire, costumes, epcot, halloween, photos, rosetta

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Is there a better face to capture? I mean…

You know I’m not referring to Anna’s (the smiley kid in the blue shirt) face, right? The look on Claire’s face is perfection.

And if you’re squeamish at the word “moist,” this video is not for you. Anna uses it freely. She’s obviously my favorite*.

*”Favorite” as in “favorite 7-year-old.” I’m not one of those moms who picks a favorite child that I admit.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: anna, claire, halloween, pumpkin carving, video

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Other than the memory I have of my first child exiting my body through my love canal after 39 weeks of gestation those 7+ years ago, which could have totally been put there by Leo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt during one of our sex dreams, I know this kid is mine.

Some say she looks just like the man everyone is told is her father, so we’ll go with that.

I know she’s mine because she worked her own “Cake vs. Pie vs. Brownie” questionnaire on me yesterday. After I convinced her that she would like the apple pie I was making her try, she confessed she loved it. Any kid of mine is destined to have a sweet tooth.

Unless her name is Claire and then she’ll just look exactly like me but have completely opposite tastes in everything, including food.

But if her name is Anna, she’ll drool at the mention of chocolate and eat every last bite of dessert put in front of her.

My child.

Anna: “Mama, which would you choose: a brownie or apple pie?”

Me, simultaneously falling deeper in love with my child while debating the choice: “Oh wow. That’s pretty much the toughest question anyone has ever asked me. Is it a fresh brownie and who made the apple pie?”

Anna: “A warm fresh brownie with fudge on the top, fudge in the middle. OR, warm apple pie?”

Me: “You’re killing me, kid. Is there ice cream on top?”

Anna: “OF COURSE!”

Me: “I give up. This is the Sophie’s Choice of desserts.”

I guess I need to get us this pie shirt so we match.

Pie, Right?

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: anna, cake vs. pie, pie vs. brownies, shirt

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