Today is my fine ass husband‘s birthday. He doesn’t believe he’s fine, which is good for me because he doesn’t have the self-awareness to leave me for someone hotter. WIN for me!

Anyhooters, he made a list of 34 things about himself, but only one tiny smidge of the list was about me. bygones

So, to one-up him, I’m writing a list of 34 things I love about him. DON’T LEAVE. You won’t puke from the sappy-ness.

And don’t you want to know about that picture*?

1. great ass
2. great smile
3. magic fingers
4. EP (earning potential)
5. passionate about his teams
6. best father EVER in the history of EVER
7. fills up my soap dispenser
8. buys me nice things
9. funny
10. makes grocery lists
11. goes to buy groceries
12. makes yummy Sex Sauce**
13. went to prom with a stripper while his mom babysat his date’s daughter (see photo)
14. makes me go on trips
15. comes with me on trips
16. ignores bill collectors with me
17. realizes my mom is in charge
18. doesn’t fight with my mom
19. can throw the remote across the couch right into my hand
20. hands over the remote
21. yells REALLY loudly when his team scores
22. brings me water and always asks if I want ice
23. don’t make me feel bad for being lazy
24. is lazy himself
25. remembers to take out the garbage at least once a week
26. plays only one sport at a time so he can have more time at home
27. is good at every friggin sport he plays
28. appreciates a good fart
29. laughs when I call him an ass
30. realizes I love my TV
31. doesn’t want more kids and made sure of that
32. takes extra super good care of me when I’m injured and/or sick
33. laughs at me when I make a fool of myself
34. great ass

Now. Wish him a happy 34th birthday.

DO IT.

*True Story: I couldn’t find this picture on my computer or blog, so I Googled images for {patrick prom}. THIS IS THE FIRST PICTURE. I love the internets.

**it’s a real thing. yummy on fries, chicken, burgers, etc.

November 11, ’09 marks Maddie’s 2nd birthday.

She only got to celebrate 1.

This is Maddie on her only birthday.

Her eyebrows were one of the Great Wonders of the World. I’ve told Heather many times how much they make me smile. To me, this is one of the best pictures Heather & Mike captured of their baby girl.

Thinking of you today.

Please consider donating to Friends of Maddie in memory of Maddie.

It’s my birthday, bitches!

Constitution Day to you history-learned peoples.

In celebration of that more-than-awesome day 33 years ago in which I was extracted from my mother’s womb by way of a knife in her gut, I give to you a 5th grade picture I’ve used before in my posts, but really, it deserves to be recycled.

People taking school pictures, THIS is not OK.

Blinds, director’s chair, lighted cellophane, and the “I’m a thoughtful smartypants with my finger on my face.”

*I’m fully aware that 33 in Spanish is not “tres tres,” but since I drafted Ochocinco into my Fantasy Football team, I figured I can be dumb, too.

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This whore gives the best Twitter birthday present: