I’m not a fancy cook. I take that back – I’m not a cook at all.

Long-time readers and fans* of my blog know this already. I can fix food, I can whip together a dinner of hot dogs and canned pears like a champ, and I have an arsenal of approximately five good meals I can put together. Cooking and even “fixing food” stresses me out to the point that panic attacks prevent me from learning new recipes that include more than four ingredients. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want my kids to have well-balanced meals and develop healthy eating habits, but it surely puts the list of what I’ll serve on the short side.

I have a feeling that my trepidation in the kitchen has put my kids in the “picky eaters” category. Anna (the one with anxiety) has a “thing” that she has to have a Nutella and peanut butter sandwich every single day. Every. Day. If she realizes she hasn’t had her N&PB sammich by dinnertime, she stresses out to the point of crying an wants one as her dessert. It’s not the worst habit to have, but it’s surely one that helps limit her food tastes.

Claire, on the other hand, loves pizza and pretty much anything dipped in ketchup. Beyond that, bread & butter sandwichs, dry cooked pasta, and pancakes are her food of choice.

I’m one step into preparing my girls for prison food. Except I don’t think there’s ketchup in prison which is a real tragedy. I’ve seen Lockup enough times to know just being in prison with other prisoners is punishment enough. The fear of getting ones teeth knocked out so he can’t bite down when being forced to do bad things to bad prisoners is torturous. Give those criminals some ketchup!

I digress.

I need some ideas on what to feed my children for lunch that goes beyond yogurt, butter sammiches, and microwave pancakes. Whatever it is cannot have more than four ingredients or take longer than 5-1/2 minutes to prepare.

Please & thank you.

*I say this as if I have “fans.” Oh, I crack me up.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2011. | Permalink | 14 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: food, picky eaters, prison food, recipes

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Pie.

Is.

Good.

Debate me on that. I dare you.

In my recent “Life or Death Decision: Cake vs. Pie” match-up, my mama’s Pecan Pie won out over all other desserts that fall into the “Cake” and “Pie” categories. Naturally.

Pie is good.

And dudes, when I found out about the Great American Pie Festival, my loins started quivering mouth started watering.

And dudes, when I found out the Great American Pie Festival will be 45 minutes from my house, my thighs started growing more cellulite calendar was cleared.

April 24-25
Celebration, Florida
The 2010 Great American Pie Festival® Sponsored by Crisco®

Like a beacon from heaven.

Oh thank you sweet, sweet Baby Jeebus and Oprah.

And you’re invited.

More specifically, I’m giving away tickets to the 50,000 slice, NEVER-ENDING PIE BUFFET.

I shit KID YOU NOT.

I’m giving away TWO PAIRS of entry tickets to the NEVER-ENDING PIE BUFFET.

Even if you don’t win, slap on your muumuu and/or stretchiest pair of yoga pants and meet me in Celebration where I’ll be the one using my elbows for more than just making my arms look bendy.

I need to know, what’s your favorite pie?
(“all” is an answer, but it’s not acceptable here for today’s purposes)

If you’re interested in winning the tickets, make sure you put ENTRY into your comment. Winners will be chosen at random and notified on Wednesday, April 21st. Ticket face value is $10 each.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2010. | Permalink | 22 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: FESTIVAL, food, pie

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Who the crap cares about basketball?

OK, so maybe some of you crazies do, just like I care about football, but since I’m not a fan of any basketball unless it involves Dwight Howard cradling me like his sweet, sweet baby, I did my own bracket.

CAKE VS. PIE

Over at Jezebel (I’d never heard of them either), they’ve set up a very scientific system for determining the all-out winner of the age-old battle between confections. (I know that the uber HIGHlarious Hyperbole and a Half did her own cartoony Battle of the Noms last week. She is Awesome. I bow to her Awesomeness.)

Personally, if it were a “baked goods” battle, the brownie would have won out. But since this is Cake v. Pie, I had some more thinking and painful decisions to make.

There’s not an all-out winner. I can’t make my final decision.

Here are my thoughts on Round 1:

Clearly, someone lost their brains when they included Funfetti on the list. They already had Birthday Cake. How is Funfetti NOT Birthday Cake. stupid.

And Fruitcake? I guess they figure my grandmother may do a bracket.

So far, easy choices.

On to Round 2:

Come on. Wedding Cake? Sure, Wedding Cake is technically “cake,” but you can’t go to the store and BUY Wedding Cake. It snot It’s not available on any given late-night run to the bakery. That alone should kick it out of the running.

And Rhubarb? Without strawberries, there would be no Rhubarb Pie. They didn’t even list “strawberries” as part of the ingredients. Am I to assume make an “ass” out of “u” and “me” and pick Rhubarb because I think there MIGHT be strawberries? I SAY NAY.

Note regarding Pecan Pie: My mother makes the best Pecan Pie in the world. No competition. None. I don’t care what you say about your own Mama’s Pecan Pie, my Mama’s Pecan Pie is better. I’m going to go ahead and imagine the Pecan Pie to which they are referring is my own Mama’s. That will make a big difference in later rounds.

My belleh is growing into Round Three:

The choices are more daunting than expected. I’m a girl who needs details. SPECIFICS.  What FLAVOR Bundt Cake? What FLAVOR Cheesecake? This makes a huge difference. You can’t put up a chocolate Bundt Cake up against a German Chocolate Cake. The clear winner is chocolate Bundt Cake. But if it’s vanilla Bundt Cake? The clear winner is German Chocolate Cake. Just for the lack of specifics, I had to choose German Chocolate.

I can’t willy-nilly pick a Cheesecake over Cherry Pie. There’s only one “flavor” of Cherry – DONE. There are kajillions of Cheesecakes. Just look at any Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake menu. It’s a Book of Nom. Again, just for the lack of specifics, I had to choose Cherry Pie.

The Pumpkin Pie v. Pecan Pie battle came down to one factor: my internal excitement for said pie. I love them both. Both are made from scratch by my Mama. But if a gun was to my head, and that’s what it took, I’d pick Pecan Pie.

Fatty McEatsalot Round Four:

It comes down to

In the Cake arena: GERMAN CHOCOLATE v RED VELVET

As I age into a mature woman of 33, I’ve come to appreciate German Chocolate as a moist chocolate cake topped with gooey coconutty goodness. When done right, the German Chocolate cake can be an all-out winner. HOWEVER, if the cake is dry, it’s a complete fail.

90% of all Red Velvet cakes and cupcakes I’ve ever eaten have been yumyumyumyumyum delicioso.

In the Pie corner: PECAN v CHERRY

This is definitely a difficult decision. I get to have my Mama’s Pecan Pie twice a year, but when I do have it, it’s beyond.

Cherry Pie is for sure a good-to-eat dessert year-round, and with the right flaky crust, heavenly.

Sooooo…

Finally, Round Five:

WHAT GOES IN MAH BELLEH???

I CAN’T DECIDE!!!11!!ONE!!!

RED VELVET? OR PECAN PIE?

Seriously.

Friends, I need your help.

WHICH ONE DO I CHOOSE?

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2010. | Permalink | 60 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: cake, dessert, fat, food, pie

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The ‘rents are in town for the weekend.* I’m not going to give you a rundown of the weekend or they crying that commenced whilst (love that word) looking for clothes. Email if you wanna know more. I’m too much of weeny to post why it actually happened.

To bide time, I suggested we take a trip to the mall. So mom, sister, the girls and I hopped in the T&C and rolled off to the tourist shopping central of Orlando – The Florida Mall. Personally, I like the mall, and the masses of people and tourists (not real people) don’t really bother me. I won’t, however, be caught DEAD there between Thanksgiving and New Years, but any other time isn’t a problem for me. But for mom, the masses are a lot to handle, and with two toddlers in tow with no stroller (really, what’s the point?), it can be a little draining.

BTW – mom’s fallen asleep in the recliner as I type. How women over 50 have young children, I have no idea.

One of my main reasons for going to this mall is they have a Ruby Tuesday. And Ruby Tuesday has a salad bar. And their salad bar has pumpernickel croutons. Pumpernickel croutons. I go to the mall and fight off the tourists for pumpernickel croutons.

After taking side trips into the M&M super store (someone PLEASE tell my who out there likes M&Ms enough to need dishes, purses, pajamas, clocks, and giant pens of M&Ms), the tea store, and Ann Taylor Loft (for the sis), we finally made it to the pumpernickel croutons Ruby Tuesday. I had to make the promise of the Disney Store if Anna was a very good girl while we ate. Had to have something to hold over her head.

The first thing I always ask at RT is if I can get the salad bar and share it with the girls. Their comment is always, “Sure! HAHA – they won’t eat that much, so no problem!” Little do they know, my girls can DOWN some fresh veggies, beans, and grapes. (I need my own salad bar at home.)

So I go up to the salad bar, get the girls their little piles of fresh foods, and get to the end of the salad bar. And that’s when I see there are NO PUMPERNICKEL CROUTONS. Seriously, I almost had a heart attack. I had to keep control. Hey (nervous laughing) maybe they’re just out of stock and the salad bard stock boy hasn’t re-loaded the carafe of pumpernickel croutons. 1000 reasons are floating through my head as to WHY the carafe would be empty. Surely, (nervous laughing) someone else might love the pumpernickel croutons as much as I. (nervous laughing) So, I calmly tell the hostess that the pumpernickel croutons are (haha) out. She responds with a very reassuring response that she’ll make sure the salad bar filler knows and will replenish the pumpernickel croutons. Whew… Crisis averted! There will be more pumpernickel croutons when I return to fill my plate with my salad bar salad and pumpernickel croutons.

But this was not the case.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, when I returned with my sister to load my plate with my salad bar salad, I made my way down the salad bar all the while in the back of my head thinking, “They better have replenished the pumpernickel croutons carafe with more pumpernickel croutons” but, alas, THERE WERE NO PUMPERNICKEL CROUTONS.

Double heart attack. I stopped in my tracks with my salad bar salad in hand looking in vain for more pumpernickel croutons. I had to stop a waiter in his tracks to ask where the pumpernickel croutons were and to please find them for me. While he walked slowly (he obviously didn’t understand the necessity of locating my pumpernickel croutons and that I had travelled miles out of my way for said croutons) into the kitchen to locate my pumpernickel croutons, I asked the hostess once again where the pumpernickel croutons where and could I get some. That’s when she laid it on me. THEY WERE OUT OF PUMPERNICKEL CROUTONS FOR THE NIGHT. Triple heart attack.

Seriously people. I come to the RT FOR the pumpernickel croutons. *Open statement to Ruby Tuesday: Without pumpernickel croutons, you are just another mall restaurant with regular food, regular decor, and regular service. But, because you have the pumpernickel croutons, I go out of my way, walk through the food court (an Olympic sport with two toddlers), and weave through 1000s of tourists buying scalp massagers and crappy luggage to get to your pumpernickel croutons.

So, with my heart broken and my head hung low, I load my salad with sesame seeds. Joy.

I head back to the table where my girls are joyfully inhaling edamame, grapes, garbanzo beans, and carrots, and start to eat my regular salad bar salad. Joy. My sis kept a keen eye on the salad bar JUST IN CASE there would be more pumpernickel croutons to make their way out of someone’s ass to the salad bar. (That doesn’t sound appealing, and I almost took that out, but things that just appear come out of someone’s ass, so it stays.) She spied the salad bar boy coming out, so she made a mad dash up to the salad bar to check on the status of the pumpernickel croutons. SURELY, the could not be totally out for the night. I mean, (nervous laughter) they are Ruby Tuesday, and why would anyone go (nervous laughter) if they didn’t have the pumpernickel croutons.

While the sis was off fighting the good fight, our slow-ass waiter makes it around to check on us, and I let him know with all the sadness I can exude, that I was told there were no more pumpernickel croutons.

That’s when it came. Mr. Slow-Ass Waiter let me know that yes, the cook was at that moment, preparing MY pumpernickel croutons.

What? What’s that you say? OH HAPPY DAY!!! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY! HALLELUJAH!

I immediately did a little happy dance and started making out with Mr. Slow-Ass Waiter Man let him know that we needed an entire vat just for our table. Seriously, Mr. Slow-Ass Waiter Man. LOAD US UP.

Not only did we get one huge plateful of pumpernickel croutons, we received TWO huge mounds of pumpernickel croutons delivered to our table!

That just goes to prove, never give up on your dreams. Positive directional thinking will get you everything you want in life. Even pumpernickel croutons.

________________________________________________________

*This post was originally published in September 2007 before I made my “I Only Write Short-Posts” rule. Obviously.

It’s also much better than 1/2 of what I write today, because way back then in the beginning, I didn’t think too much about what I was writing. I think it’s better that way, and it inspires me to quit thinking and just write.

photo courtesy

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2010. | Permalink | 15 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: blog, Blogging, croutons, Family, food, ruby tuesday, writing, yum

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So this is what happens when I leave town for a week during the bestest holiday of the year:

I go without posting on any of the blogs on which I contribute for a whole (31-21) + 2 days. I think that’s 12.

TWELVE WHOLE DAYS the internet has gone without my sprinkling of awesome. You missed it, didn’t you?

Or were you too busy eating extra creamy buckeyes, extra sugary pecan pie, and extra salty mashed potatoes. Or maybe that was just me.

In the last (31-21) + 2 days I’ve been thinking about this post. This “Getting Back Into the Swing of Things” post. This monumental welcoming back to the written word. The post I’ve written in my head over and over and just KNEW I’d remember it because I interjected keywords and word association into the post in my head when I sat down to type.

Yet, I sit and write this awesome garbage.

You’re so welcome.

What nommy (that’s for the alimartell) foods have you added to your thigh cheese this holiday season?

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2010. | Permalink | 10 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: blog, Blogging, food, holiday, post

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We are Publix shoppers.

Until recently, we never paid attention to the cost of food.

Until recently, the economy was rockin & rollin and Mr Sir‘s pay and my store sales were up.

Until today when Publix was closed and the WalMart Neighborhood Market grocery store was open.

I may have to cross over to the dark side and (I can hardly type this) start shopping at the WMNM.

HOLY SHITBALLS that shiz is cheap.

That is all.

___________________________________________________

Find out about how you can support the Spohrs after the loss of their baby, Maddie.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2009. | Permalink | 20 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: cheap, economy, food, grocery, publix, walmart neighborhood market

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