I have been beyond blessed (and I don’t ever use that word because I save that for when I meet Mama Oprah) to have welcomed FOUR babies into my life in the last week.

FOUR.

No, I’m not a mom to quadruplets.
shutyourwhoremouth

No, I didn’t illegally adopt four Haitian children.
muchmuchtoolazyfortheredtape

Auntie Lala has four actual real live babies now in my life.

And they’re all friggin hairy (except for the first one, but it wouldn’t be a catchy title to say 3 hairy and 1 non-hairy baby). They’ll all make your ovaries quiver whether you have them or not, especially the last picture.

Really. It’s worth going all the way through to the end of the post. No, this is not a trick to get you to see some horrid fat girl in a swimsuit.

I present them to you in order of birth & hairiness:

Austin
(my childhood BFF’s 2nd baby, the un-hairy one)

Ellie
(my sister-in-law’s 1st baby, MY FIRST NIECE!)

Sanne
(my fake brother, Martin’s [XBox4NappyRash], 1st & long-awaited baby, pronounced SAH-nuh)

Baby Gorilla
(2-day-old baby gorilla at Animal Kingdom at Disney World)

I WANT ANOTHER BABY!!!

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ok, i’m over it.

Yet another entry into the failures of American choices, “This? Is not OK.”

I’ve discussed the Mullet in a past post, but it was centered more specifically around the fancy Femullet.

Today, I’m focusing on the Groomed Man Mullet.

The Groomed Man Mullet is no accident. It’s planned, sculpted, and methodically trimmed, as if from the head of Adonis. Every shorn hair is in its place crowning the jewel of the Redneck.

Its purpose, as with all Mullets, is business in the front, party in the back. However, the Groomed Man Mullet has an additional purpose as it is buzzed under the long party piece so as to give the Adonis a cool breeze on the back of his neck on a hot day.

Ahhhh the breeze. I can feel it now on the back of my neck.
Or maybe that was the heebie jeebies.

How long can I go without washing my hair before I can consider myself still clean without bragging that I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve washed my hair?

I’m thinking it has to do with when I start to constantly scratch my head while I think, “Damn, I really need to wash my hair.”

Sometimes that length of time is 2 days, sometimes it’s as long as 5 days. I think. I’m not good at keeping track of my shower schedule. Apparently.

I have long, flowing, naturally curly, naturally blond locks of hair with a touch of un-naturally pink highlights underneath the mane. It’s awesome hair. I’m not really bragging; it really is awesome. It’s the one thing I have to brag about aside from my webbed toes. The answer to your question is YES, I can swim faster because of my webbed toes. Probably faster than Michael Phelps. donotdestroymyolympicdreams

I do take showers regularly. Most days. Almost all of the days. On average.

I don’t always wash my hair. It weighs about 4.92 pounds, give-or-take, by itself so washing it every day would mean drying it every day. And that ain’t happening. Mold would start to grow up in there, and that would NOT be pretty unless you find moldy, stinky hair sexy, and if you do, please get some help.

My 2-3-day-old unwashed MOUSSED hair is more than awesome. I actually get compliments on it. Actual compliments. It’s kinda nice. It can take way too long (TEN WHOLE MINUTES) to fix my hair when it does get fixed, and that’s a lot of Twitter quality time with my kids.

When I do take the time to actually FIX the mane, I tend to keep it fixed for as long as I can, where “can” = “until I can smell it and/or I can’t scratch my scalp enough to take the itch away.”

Moral of this story: If you see me scratching my head, it’s hair-washing day so don’t stick your nose up in my coif. Lesson learned.