Warning*

The older and wiser I get, the lower my inhibitions become. Or maybe that’s the vodka. Whatever the case, I’m pretty much willing to do a lot of stuff without being embarrassed as long as I get paid.

Except…

Wear a bikini.

Ever.

Even if/when/in my dreams when I’m skinny, I will never, ever wear a bikini.

Even if I was paid by Jenny Craig to go on the Oprah show and got to wear some weird binding pantyhose deal that put an bizarre line down the middle of my belly (I’m looking at you, Kirstie Alley).

Oh, Kirstie. The crazy looked good on you then.

Even if I was skinny in the real world, but in Hollywoodland I was considered fat.

Oh, Love. You're beautiful in my book, even if my sister finds you extra annoying.

Even if you just take a picture from behind.

Oh, sweetheart. No. Just, no.

Even if I weighed 76 pounds.

If you add 140 pounds, this me.

Even if it were for a joke at my expense.

That's pretty much me, just without the dark hair & belly scar

I am definitely too chicken shit to put on a bikini.

*Warning: This post contains photographs that may or may not make your eyes bleed, your stomach turn, and/or make you put down that donut.