Yet another entry into the failures of American choices, “This? Is not OK.”

I’ve discussed the Mullet in a past post, but it was centered more specifically around the fancy Femullet.

Today, I’m focusing on the Groomed Man Mullet.

The Groomed Man Mullet is no accident. It’s planned, sculpted, and methodically trimmed, as if from the head of Adonis. Every shorn hair is in its place crowning the jewel of the Redneck.

Its purpose, as with all Mullets, is business in the front, party in the back. However, the Groomed Man Mullet has an additional purpose as it is buzzed under the long party piece so as to give the Adonis a cool breeze on the back of his neck on a hot day.

Ahhhh the breeze. I can feel it now on the back of my neck.
Or maybe that was the heebie jeebies.

You knew it was coming.

It had to be done.

The New Jersey Shore Guido & Guidette Edition of “This? Is not OK” inspired by the new Emmy-contender, “Jersey Shore” on MTV.

Blow-out gelled hair check
Fake tan check
Spray tan on top of fake tan check
Lip gloss on boy lips check
Red Bull check
Parliaments check
Steroid zits check
Peen pierced check
Douchebag attitude check
Douchebag pose for the camera check

Who knew they came in a gay flavor?

I’ve been around these here internets since the early days. Way back. Back in American Online 2.0 days.

NINETEEN NINETY-FOUR

I remember when my mom bought our first internet-capable computer. We were high-teching it with 14.4 kbit/s. FAST. Super-fast slow. I still hear the whining, bliping, and screeching in my dreams nightmares.

It was super-cool to chat with people I’d never met. At 17, I wasn’t afraid of talking to molesters or stalkers yet. Message boards were cool. We were learning online lingo together.

LOL
WTF
ROTF
ROTFLMMFAO

The basics.

Since that time, social media has morphed into a constant conversation of quickly-typed messages back and forth and with everyone else online all at the same time. There is a different language on the intertubes than IRL.

The acronyms and cutesy terms born on the parenting message boards have creeped into the blogosphere and into my Twitter stream. There are just some acronyms that need to die. They need to be put out of my their misery. They need to DIE.

They are NOT OK.

DD/DS – Dear Daughter/Dear Son
It’s hard for me to even type them, they’re so skeevy.
Options: kid, child, son, daughter, spawn, result of breeding, seed, person who calls me mom/dad, ankle biter

DH – Dear Husband
I may have to vomit having just typed that. I love my husband dearly, but to refer to him as a “dear” anything? He might have me maimed.
Options: husband, sir, spouse, spousal equivalent, betrothed, other half, better half (for use by men only), bed mate, person-whom-I-hump, that guy

Baby Dance – Having Sex
Really? How can you be taken seriously in bed when you refer to your adult fun time as doing a “baby dance”? Even if your purpose for the horizontal mambo is to pro-create, don’t refer to it in any way using the word “baby.” NOT OK.
Options: sex, making love (blech), sexy time, business time, naked wrestling, doing the nasty, playing Hide the Sausage, scissor grind, going down

In summation, can we please put a moratorium on the above acronyms/cutesy terms to rest.

Kill them.

Make them dead.

Unfollow anyone who uses these terms.

Take them out of your reader.

They should be taught a lesson in abandonment that they should never, ever use these stupid-ass terms again.

Are you with me in the War on Stupid Acronyms and Cutesy Internet Terms (WOSAACIT)?

What are other words and names you use you’d like to suggest? Bring them forth and prosper.