It hurt to pee.

It happens about twice a year, and I know exactly what it is. A UTI (Urinary Tract Infection).  Many unfortunate ladies and some unfortunate mens fall victim to the affliction, so I don’t need to explain that ‘peeing barbs’ is a light description.

I know what I need: antibiotics and turn-your-pee-orange pills.

The three of us (Mama, the 5yo, & the 3yo) head to the clinic (which, by the way, calls ahead to let you know when to come in – GENIUS) for Mama to get her pills. Since the docs here don’t know me, I get to pee in a cup.

What do to w/ the 2 small leeches who follow me around?

They join me in the bathroom. The stall-less bathroom. To watch me pee in a cup.

The questions/chatter/laughing/viewing that goes on while Mama pees in a cup with two little pee-hypnotized onlookers would totally make you pee your panties. I don’t remember any of it because I was PEEING in a CUP. If only I’d had a video camera. Next time.

But the fun doesn’t stop there.

Doc comes into the exam room and does his “last menstruation, allergic to anything, feel me up” deal. He tells me that, yes, I do have a UTI. (really? cause i thought peeing barbs was just considered ‘monday’) I tell him that I get them frequently, and I know the deal.

The 50-something male doc continues to explain to me that there’s a special pill that I can take that will numb my pee hole but “it will make your urine orange and some leakage might happen so you may want to wear a small pad down there.”

I got this advice from a 50-something male doc WITH MY KIDLETS IN THE ROOM WITH ME.

Thanks Doc. As if they weren’t scarred enough from watching me fill a cup with my own infected piss, they have to hear that I’ll have orange pee.